How is God using this TTC journey?
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|Wed, 08-25-2010 - 1:35pm|
I first off want to thank those of you that wrote a response or prayed after reading my post down in the "Knee Mail" folder about my sister-in-law getting pregnant recently. I really do appreciate all of your prayers, thoughts and advice. I thought I would follow up so you don't all think I am over here wallowing in my sorrows. I am feeling a bit better than I was a couple of days ago. Although today I am having some bad cramps and AF may be a little early if she shows today...I am okay with that. I have been thinking and praying a lot and have come to some big realizations that are helping me. I have often asked myself, how is God using this TTC journey in my life? I know that He is using it for good, as He promises in Romans 8:28 - "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
In ALL things He is working for the good of those of us that love Him. It can sometimes be really difficult to REALLY absorb and believe that. In the midst of the trials of life, we are often selfish and focused on the question "Why me?"...when what we should really be asking is "How is He growing me through this?"
Before I found out that my sister-in-law was pregnant, I thought I was doing fairly well with trusting in the Lord and His timing for us in conceiving a child. God quickly showed me my true heart when I heard the news that she was pregnant. I was angry, I was sad, I was only thinking of myself and my struggle to get pregnant. It took me several minutes to even think of my sister-in-law and the joy she must be experiencing, the nervousness she must be feeling about possible miscarriage. I was not thinking of her first as I should have been...I was caught up in my own selfishness...and I was sinning because I didn't get what I WANTED. Things didn't go the way I had hoped they would, and I was very angry about that.
I realized fairly quickly that for me, getting pregnant has become an idol in my heart. I want it so badly that if I don't get it, I will sin. I am holding getting pregnant up higher than the Lord. It is shameful, but it is also a common occurrence. Think about your day to day life. Perhaps you are like me and like many other people I know that struggle with patience. If I am in a hurry and someone is keeping me from getting to where I need to be, I get angry, I sin. If someone is taking longer than I expect to do something, I get frustrated, I sin. In these instances, I am holding my time higher than the Lord. If things don't go my way, I sin, I get angry, I might lash out, either at someone or even in the privacy of my home or car.
I need to work on this...I didn't think that getting pregnant was an idol in my heart...I was working so hard on trusting in the Lord's timing, but I obviously need to try harder. I still want to be in control. I still want the timeline to go the way I think it should, not the way He knows it should.
God is showing me my heart. He is showing me all that I still need to work on within myself. I should be grateful to Him for showing me this and allowing me the time before pregnancy to grow in Him and to get my heart to a better place before motherhood. He is so good, I know that His plan for me is the best and only plan. I thank Him for His infinite wisdom and mercy on me, even in my times of weakness and sinfulness. I also need to thank Him for this time that He is allowing for my husband and I to grow together in Him...He wants us to have a strong and Godly marriage before bringing children into our family. Only He knows the right time, and to question His timing is truly pretty silly...as if I know better than He does?? How ridiculous.
I just thought I would share these revelations I have been having in the past few days and I hope that by sharing that some of you may be able to relate in some way and that He will use this to grow you and to change your heart to make it beat only for Him.
All glory be to the One who came to save us. Thank you, God.
Blessings to all,
Edited 8/25/2010 1:38 pm ET by kellagrl51383