Defying the Statistics!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2003
Defying the Statistics!!!!
19
Wed, 07-13-2005 - 12:39am
Hi ladies! Here I am at 43 TTC #2! Yes, I too started family planning late -- but what can I say, I've always been a late bloomer :-) Anyway, after scouring the literature both online and in print, I find I am really mad at the conventional statistics constantly saying that our fertility goose is cooked basically by the time we're 30+ and that we're definitely on the downhill road at 35 and 40+. If that were really the case then most of my peers (i.e. women I personally know around my age!) would now be childless, not having had successful first pregnancies in their VERY late thirties. Also, I'm constantly reading in my college quarterly about classmates who are still busily popping buns well into their 40s!!! So what gives with the doom and gloomers in the medical profession? Could it be that most of them are of the male gender???? Hmmm! Especially odd when you consider that most of the authors on female fertility success stories are women! I don't know why it would be to anyone's advantage in medicine to make us girls think we can't go on childbearing until Mother Nature sees fit to stop us. Really, it's a very mean-spirited society that goes around stamping numbers on our foreheads telling us when we can and can't have children. I'm really starting to believe in the mind/body connection especially relating to getting pregnant. If you want a baby and feel ready to have one, then you CAN and you WILL! We shouldn't be listening to the nay-sayers of the medical world! This is a matter that's beyond the realm of medicine, ultimately -- no matter how much technology you subject your body to. I really believe in the end that it's Mother Nature who decides when a pregnancy should happen. Anyway, that's my two cents worth of midnight wisdom. Baby Dust to all of us out there. Be brave and just go for it!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 07-13-2005 - 6:26am
Hi! I just had to respond to momofskm---my first time posting here on this
board, have been lurking recently! Coincidentally I am also 43 and TTC #2! ( I
would have to say that I am a late bloomer too!) I became pregnant for the first
time at 40, had a miscarriage at 8 weeks, then became pregnant again at 41 and had a
successful pregnancy. ( DD 18 monthes) I conceived naturally, and at least in
the past didn't have problems conceiving. If some of the conventional statistics in
the medical profession---as you had mentioned, were totally correct my experience
wouldn't be possible! Which doesn't make sense to me! I just have to mention that
before I had a D&C procedure---after my miscarriage, the dr that was perfoming
it mentioned that miscarriages are much higher in women over 40,( the dr was male,
and not my regular dr., and maybe this had been his experience with patients). I
have to say having a man tell me that made me feel so depressed at that moment---
like I should just give up! Then he asked how long had we been trying? And I said
one month. He sure had a weird look on his face, and said nothing more about it!
At that moment I wasn't so worried about my age and fertility,thinking about it!
And two monthes later I was pregnant with my daughter! I am so happy that I ignored
the negative "wisdom" and just went for it! Anyway, I agree with your thoughts about
mother nature, and think that your midnight wisdom is just fine!
( by the way, my DH's mother was around 42 or 43 when she had
him! He was the last of four.) I'm glad your message got me to post at last!
Wishing baby dust right back to you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 07-13-2005 - 6:35am

Saw my message and just have to ask someone---what caused it to indent so funky like that?! Being new to posting here---I just wondered---it didn't look like that when I previewed it! Yikes---sorry it is hard to read!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2003
Wed, 07-13-2005 - 2:56pm

Hi! Your message has made my day :-) Yes, we TTC Over 40s must unite against all that negativity out there, especially when it comes from medical people -- some of the very same who we trust to deliver our babies! Having said that, sometimes I also think that one of the biggest obstacles in TTC at whatever age is our very own DH. Mine happens to be on travel this week -- "prime" week, if you know what I mean! Still, maybe this is one of the months that my cycle will be a bit longer, since I still have no sign of CF. According to the online calculators, I should be having it anytime between now and this weekend. DH is back on Friday night, so hoping he won't be too pooped! If only the eggmakers can hold off a few more days!!! Fingers crossed and baby dust all around!

Thanks again for your message! I will add it to that collection of Over 40 pregancies listed by another wonderful person on this board a few months ago. It is VERY cheering, so check it out. I've printed it out (about 17 pages) to read whenever I get down.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 07-13-2005 - 8:01pm

Hi momoskm, I'm glad that you responded to my message, and glad I made your day! I am trying to keep negative and depressing thoughts at bay---am in the state of being hopeful, and at same time not hopeful, ( strange frame of mind---drives me nuts!!)----as I am around a week from finding out if AF comes or not! ( I'd prefer not!) Although today with my toddler getting into anything and everything--fighting diaper changes like a demon---and saying no a lot to me, I sort of wonder if I am nuts, to want another so close in age to this one! ( but at my age, 43 I feel I don't have the time to wait really! I guess it's now or probably never! I would like to concieve natually, or perhaps let it go. It would be nice to have a sibling for my daughter---though I do feel lucky and happy that I was able to have a first child over 40!) I agree with the DH comment! My DH is rather busy and preoccupied this month, so if AF comes again it doesn't bode well for the "prime" week as you put it! You mentioned the online calculaters, I have never used that or any ovualtion tests before, so I'm wondering if I should?! Conceiving easily when I was just over 40, hasn't prepared me well, for what to do if it isn't so easy now I guess. ( I guess I should mention that I have only been TTC for 2 monthes so far, the first month being sort of half-hearted so I really shouldn't be getting too anxious yet.) I guess I mostly need to find a peaceful state of mind, and not start getting so anxious or depressed about the whole thing!( though by nature I am more of the emotional type---can't help it!) Anyway, I am sure glad to hear of someone else simialiar, who is also 43 TTC#2! Hope this time my post won't come out looking so funky! (have no idea what happened there!) Good luck to you this week!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2004
Fri, 07-15-2005 - 6:45pm

I just wanted to add my thoughts on why it seems that over 40's miscarry more often. I think there are a lot of early miscarriages and it's just that those of us "late bloomers" are more aware about doing early HPTs. When I miscarried at 38 I was told by the doc and nurses in the ER that a lot of miscarriages are not detected because women just think they are having a late AF. We know that we miscarry because we take such early HPTs.

Does this make sense?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 07-16-2005 - 3:44am

Yes it does make sense. I have been told too, that many miscarriages probably go undetected early on. Something to think about though, my doctor mentioned to me that she thinks perhaps that the miscarriage rate in older women may not necessarily be that much higher than for other women-- but because it is a smaller group of women getting pregnant than the mainstream it may be skewing the statistics, might be making it appear much higher. Anyway, it is a different slant than what is usually said, and also seems to make sense.
By the way on a more cheerful note----lbdmark that is a cute baby picture that you have up!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2003
Sat, 07-16-2005 - 1:31pm

Hi, Jewelplum! I know what you're feeling! but I really feel strongly about trusting Mother Nature when it comes to having healthy kids! Just think, the fewer chemicals circulating in your body means fewer in theirs. I have read the books and tried the OPKs but in the end, even the books admit that there is this gaping gray area when it comes to what actually works for each woman. Sure, you can chart till you're blue in the face, but the fact is, I doubt that month after month there isn't some variation in a woman's cycles. Also, OPKs only INDICATE the POSSIBILITY that you MAY ovulate within the prescribed next 24 to 48 hours. I suspect it's more like the next 12 ONLY and if you pee on the stick in the morning when you're supposed to and your DH has already left for work, and the egg pops out some time that day before he gets home, then you're outta luck. I think this has happened at least twice in my case. So, ultimately, I've given up spending that monthly $20!

Oh, and here's the clincher as far as taking ALL the experts' advice with a great big pinch of salt! When my DS was conceived 7 years ago, it was a month when I never even had a period! I don't even remember any CF either, although, admittedly I wasn't looking for it . But if it had been present, I'm sure I'd have noticed something! The OB was completely baffled I think and the first thing she did was order a sonogram in order to figure out how far along I actually was. It turned out that by the time I saw her I was about 5 weeks but if she'd gone by the LMP, she'd have thought I'd been in my 12th week! Funny, huh! Also, I got pregnant with DS after only 2 months.

So now, having run the gamut of feeling longing for another baby; reading all the literature; listening to the medical people ( I had a miscarriage at 7 weeks in January) who typically shake their heads at my decision to have another so late; getting frustrated; feeling sad, feeling angry, feeling hopeless, etc. I'm arriving now at a calmer place, I HOPE! especially after reading this wonderful board, and have decided it's best to let Mother Nature work her magic in her own way and in her own time. The point to remember is that she does not abide by any of the conventions or statistics in our world where specialists love to fit us all into neat little pigeon holes. Mother Nature is raw and wild and terribly inconsistent.

We are very lucky to have our first children! So now, I think those of us who are TTC another can and should take a collective sigh of relief, lie back and enjoy the ride ;-) I know my DH would certainly appreciate less tension.

I have every reason to believe that as long as we take care of ourselves, there is no reason on earth that we should not all soon give birth to as many children as we desire! Anyway, for those of us who have them already, remember! this is the easy part. It ends the day they're born!!!! so we should take this time to enjoy ourselves! Everyone I know who has more than one kid, says that it gets harder with multiples!

Hugs and baby dust to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 07-16-2005 - 9:11pm

Hi momofskm! I got a kick out of your message, especially the part about how your child was conceived, not having your period and baffling the OB! I think deep in my heart I have to agree about the role of mother nature in this process in the end. We are sort of along for the ride! And for me personally I don't think I will chart, as I doubt I would keep up with it, ( I am the type that has never even been able to maintain anything like a journal--I get sort of impatient!) Also, I think for me it would make me more anxious, instead of relaxed! I appreciate your candidness about the OPKs.
I'm so sorry to hear about your miscarriage earlier this year. About the medical people who can leave you feeling sad and frustrated---it is too bad that one can't just put on a protective bubble to keep all the negative energy from seeping in. Because I don't think that negative energy helps too much!
You are definately right about the hard part starting the day they are born! My toddler reminds me of that every day!
I just have to say that after reading the end of your message---it did make me feel calmer and more relaxed about the whole TTC thing!Thanks!
Wishing lot's of baby dust to us all!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2005
Wed, 07-20-2005 - 3:13pm
Great message chain here. I read all 9 replies. Thanks to all who added their ideas and thoughts about defying the doctor's statistics. I just got back from my RE and he again spelled out the odds of a successful PG for me - about 1%. And he said that at my age my eggs would not be the best candidates. I have been TTC for just 1 month now but am already feeling discouraged by the doctor's discussion of the likely state of my eggs. And how can I change that? I am feeling sad and frustrated I did not do all of this sooner in my life. I am afraid to move forward for fear of more BFN and afraid to stop because I feel it is not where I want to be. You see I am single and going it alone feels more scary to me than havign a DH or S/O. Then I just met men who I am attracted to and he does not want to have more kids, and I think "maybe this is the universe telling me to give up and be with this guy." Ugh it is so frustrating. I want to meet someone who is at least open to having kids. So many variables. Having faith is challenging for me now. Any offers of help is appreciated.
Carrie
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2004
Wed, 07-20-2005 - 4:22pm

Hey your doctor gave you 1%, mine gave me 0% and I have had two + cycles since. One lasted a week, that was last month, and today flo was on the itinarary, but +hpt got here first. So, grain of salt. Only God knows if you can and will have children, not your RE.

Best to you on your journey.

Melody

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