Husband doesn't want to get pregnant

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2004
Husband doesn't want to get pregnant
5
Sat, 11-13-2004 - 11:14am
Hi everyone,

I have not posted in a few months. I really need support now.

I have been pregnant 3 times. The first, I lost my twin son at birth, his brother survived. I was 25. My second pregnant was at 34 and my son survived. I experienced tremendous depression after my twin son passed away. It took a long time to pull out of it. After my next pregnancy, there was so much worry that I did have problems again, but they were not as bad. I got pregnant on my 40th birthday last May, and we lost the baby.

My husband and I have had many marital problems largely because of grieving in different ways and financial problems with his reaccuring job loss. He was really wonderful when I told him I was pregnant this last time. He was happy, not angry. Yet, he has told me he will never go through another pregnancy again. He is 43. He doesn't seem to care that this is so in my soul and my heart. I am falling into a depression again and I can't fathom that he is not willing to negotiate this. I never went on medication after the deliveries before. I am willing to do that this time. I said that before and changed my mind with my second pregnancy. I was just too confident I would be OK and too fearful to 'damage' a perfect, beautiful son. It seems many mothers go on medication now and it shows not to hurt the baby. I would sign a contract if it would work. The other problem is that he is on medication for depression and doesn't ejaculate anymore, rarely. So, the fact that I was able to conceive in one night, and on my birthday was more than miraculous. I asked him if he was trying to sabotous the chance we could get pregnant, and he said no. I told him it was up to God anyway if we got pregnant, I just want to have home that it could happen. I feel no hope for the future.

I love the two boys that I have. I know I am blessed. But, I ache for another baby and I dream of having a daughter. I talk with my mom almost every day. I know I won't have that in the future with my sons, it is just different. He has all the boy things to do with his sons, and I am so left out of that. The last part of all this is that my close friend who I would tell how much I want a baby and she would tell me she is through and comfortable with her life, is now pregnant. She got pregnant 2 weeks after I did, but her pregnancy lasted. She is having a girl, due soon after I was. She turned 40 a week before me. It is all too close to everything I wanted. I am praying constantly not to feel so much envy. It hurts so much because it is a constant reminder and it hurts because she did not even want another baby.

I feel so lost with no hope for the future. I feel panic that if my husband doesn't 'hear' me that I will want out of the marriage after 20 years. I don't know if I can be with somebody that watches me cry, listens to my heart in the most rawest way, I have been so honest with him, yet just turn away from me. I see lovemaking as a complete disappointment even if we were not trying to conceive. It doesn't feel complete or what should be normal. Can anybody help. I am so sad and I don't know what to do.

Mary

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Sat, 11-13-2004 - 3:47pm


Oh Mary,

My heart cries for you and your sadness. Have you asked your Hubby to go to a counceler with you? I think that would help if he won't go I sugest you go, it will help to talk to someone.

In the mean time I will diffenitly keep you in my prayers and you can write me anytime if you need to talk to someone. I haven't been trying to have a baby long but I understand your pain.

((hugs))

And best wishes!

Dawn

drsalsbery@yahoo.com

Have an awesome day!!

Dawn 41, DH 35 / DD 23 years old

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Sun, 11-14-2004 - 11:42pm
Mary -

I really feel for you. I know somewhat how you feel, although I do not have any kids. I'm 41, married 11 years. For 10 of those years, I couldn't get a straight answer from my dh whether or not he wanted kids. We never really discussed having kids; I just asked him if he wanted kids, & he smiled & said "maybe." Seeing how good he was with my nieces & nephews, & being a typical woman, I assumed this "maybe" was a "yes" in the making, he just needed a little "help" making that decision. Well, we spent 10 years "discussing" having kids! MANY, many tears & MUCH frustration! Found out his fears were not only financial, but also issues of not being a good father (his father was no good). But things eventually changed; although we still live paycheck to paycheck, we are more stable than when we first married, & his fears about becoming a father have lessened substantially, so we started trying last year. I have m/c'd once since then (last January). It was heart wrenching not only bc of the m/c, but also bc when we found I was pg my dh experienced a real mix of emotions - LOTS of fear, mixed with excitement, and then sadness over the m/c, so after I m/c'd he backed out on us trying to get pregnant. I have experienced an EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER since then. Sometimes I was okay with not trying, then it was like that "hope against all hope" would kick in, and I realized I was not okay with not trying. I want to try until I can no longer get pg! We had a VERY emotional, VERY long discussion several weeks ago, and we are trying again.

I did not mean this to be about me, it's just that I thought hearing someone else's story might help. I know what you mean about getting pg on your birthday, and thinking it was a "sign" from God or something; I found out I was pg on New Years Day! I thought "what a way to start the New Year"! I honestly thought it was a miracle. I even told my mom, dad, my mother in law, and 3 people at work....... which just made the m/c one week later that much more painful and heart wrenching. I also know exactly what you mean about the lovemaking not feeling normal and feeling like a disappointment if you are trying to keep from getting pg. I feel the same way.

Anyway, I would also suggest counseling and soon. A situation like this is a real powder keg - it blows up when least expected, and the envy and anger you feel will poison every area of your life, and it will affect everyone in your life, including your children, if left unresolved. But I do understand if that helps any. Sometimes it just helps to pour out your heart here too.

Sue

^i^ 1/8/04

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
Mon, 11-15-2004 - 10:47am
I read your story and understand everything you are feeling. Over the past 7 years, my DH and I have suffered two losses, one blighted ovum resulting in D&C and one termination due to poor results from prenatal testing a little over a week ago. Now DH wants vasectomy. I know he is hurting and scared to death of another loss. I don't understand because I am scared too, but was willing to keep TTC. We are not discussing it right now. He won't talk to me about it and it is affecting our relationship already. I am even wondering if he is right now and TTC again would be a mistake.

Our situation is not the same as yours in many ways, but I am having some of the same feelings of depression, loss & resentment. So, I can understand your need for support right now. I agree with the other replies that counselling for both of you would probably be helpful. I know from experience that not talking is not the answer, at least not for us.

Good luck and I hope everything works out for you.

craz :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2004
Wed, 11-17-2004 - 9:08am
I feel like I want to share no details w/my dh about my pregnancy--if it happens--so I can go through the kinds of losses you all describe on my own if I have to, and just call the emergency visits regular doctor's appointments, keep him in the dark, and tell him afterwards that I just mc'd, as if I expected to simply because of the odds nowadays. I imagine this might be tough but better than facing him back out on me afterwards, and more gentle on him. I don't know if I could handle what you are all describing and I feel my dh might have the same response. I'd use my networks the best I could (the boards here, family, friends) and I handle the bills. I know I'm not addressing so many issues (emotions, pain, an ethical (moral?) obligation to completely fill him in, etc.) but with insight from your experiences, I want to protect him from more than he can handle these days and prevent him from pull out of TTC if we do go through similar experiences. Do you think I'm crazy? Do you think this is possible? -Pea
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
Wed, 11-17-2004 - 12:01pm

I read your last post. I think you should do what you think is best for you. I have to say that I would not have been able to handle my losses without DH because he is my "rock" and I believe everyone needs some support through tough times like pg loss. If I didn't have him, I would have had to seek counselling or something. I still have anxiety attacks when I think about going back to work. I am just not ready to be around so many people who know about our loss and I have known them for 18 years. Please think about this and perhaps even speak to a counsellor by yourself if DH won't go with you. Also, keep posting here. There is a lot of support from everyone here.

Keep us posted and good luck.

~L~