Husband doesn't want to get pregnant
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|Sat, 11-13-2004 - 11:14am|
I have not posted in a few months. I really need support now.
I have been pregnant 3 times. The first, I lost my twin son at birth, his brother survived. I was 25. My second pregnant was at 34 and my son survived. I experienced tremendous depression after my twin son passed away. It took a long time to pull out of it. After my next pregnancy, there was so much worry that I did have problems again, but they were not as bad. I got pregnant on my 40th birthday last May, and we lost the baby.
My husband and I have had many marital problems largely because of grieving in different ways and financial problems with his reaccuring job loss. He was really wonderful when I told him I was pregnant this last time. He was happy, not angry. Yet, he has told me he will never go through another pregnancy again. He is 43. He doesn't seem to care that this is so in my soul and my heart. I am falling into a depression again and I can't fathom that he is not willing to negotiate this. I never went on medication after the deliveries before. I am willing to do that this time. I said that before and changed my mind with my second pregnancy. I was just too confident I would be OK and too fearful to 'damage' a perfect, beautiful son. It seems many mothers go on medication now and it shows not to hurt the baby. I would sign a contract if it would work. The other problem is that he is on medication for depression and doesn't ejaculate anymore, rarely. So, the fact that I was able to conceive in one night, and on my birthday was more than miraculous. I asked him if he was trying to sabotous the chance we could get pregnant, and he said no. I told him it was up to God anyway if we got pregnant, I just want to have home that it could happen. I feel no hope for the future.
I love the two boys that I have. I know I am blessed. But, I ache for another baby and I dream of having a daughter. I talk with my mom almost every day. I know I won't have that in the future with my sons, it is just different. He has all the boy things to do with his sons, and I am so left out of that. The last part of all this is that my close friend who I would tell how much I want a baby and she would tell me she is through and comfortable with her life, is now pregnant. She got pregnant 2 weeks after I did, but her pregnancy lasted. She is having a girl, due soon after I was. She turned 40 a week before me. It is all too close to everything I wanted. I am praying constantly not to feel so much envy. It hurts so much because it is a constant reminder and it hurts because she did not even want another baby.
I feel so lost with no hope for the future. I feel panic that if my husband doesn't 'hear' me that I will want out of the marriage after 20 years. I don't know if I can be with somebody that watches me cry, listens to my heart in the most rawest way, I have been so honest with him, yet just turn away from me. I see lovemaking as a complete disappointment even if we were not trying to conceive. It doesn't feel complete or what should be normal. Can anybody help. I am so sad and I don't know what to do.