I Have Been Here Before

Avatar for travinski
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2004
I Have Been Here Before
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 4:52pm
I didn't get married until 3 days before I turned 43. I got married in July 2001 but was trying to get pregnant since January of that year. I didn't get pregnant and my husband turned out to be the worst possible case of a husband I've ever encountered. I had gone for fertility tests, laparoscopies and egg studies and the day my ovary released an egg, he came home at 11:00 DRUNK AS A SKUNK. I knew then that it was over! I hated him so much I wouldn't even sleep in the same room as him and nine months after we married, I left. I did not for one second miss him - I wanted to escape before he hurt me physically - all the signs were there that he would have. People say, "well, it's a good thing you didn't get pregnant because you would have to have him in your life forever." But I don't care, it would be worth it to hold my own baby in my arms. He already had a son and he didn't drink when the son was there and his kid was actually spoiled rotten. I lost everything - our newly built home, the dream of a happy future together, thousands of dollars to divorce him and worst of all - my chance at having children. I just turned 46 and have spent the last three years in a horrible depression. I just can't believe I'mnot ever going to be a mother. I looked into fertility clinics and most did not even bother to return my call or respond to my emails. For artificial insemination AND egg donation, the cost was astronomical, costing thousands of dollars that I do not have. I don't think I'll ever get over this. I just watched Gwenyth Peltrow on Oprah and she was describing that love for a baby that all women lucky enough to have children talk about. This whole other dimension of love. I feel like such a loser and such a failure. Overseas adoption is almost as expensive as egg donation and artificial insemination. I am beside myself with grief. I used to love coming to this board because I had such hope. I truly thought God would answer my prayers. I have stopped going to church and stopping looking after myself. All through my 20's and 30's, I had recurring dreams that I was thrilled about being pregnant but by the end of the dream, I realized I wasn't pregnant at all. I would wake up so depressed. Maybe one dimension of myself knew it would never happen and this was a way to prepare me. I am 46 now and feel so old and now I think I'm going into menopause. My life is a nightmare.




iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 5:22pm
I am so sorry you are going through this pain. There is a board here called "Childless Living" in which many of the women have the exact issues you describe. Maybe you can find some comfort there. Counseling may also help; I have found it helpful at various junctures in my life. And if you think you may be clinically depressed, I would suggest medical treatment with possible anti-depressant therapy. Clinical depression is very real and anti-depressants can make a huge difference.

That said, there are other opportunities in life to mother, like the Big Sister organization or other volunteer activities. Or perhaps look into adopting an older child, or one with special needs, or becoming a foster parent. There are many children out in the world who desperately need someone to love them.

Many hugs.


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2003
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 9:01pm
Your post really touched me...I am so sorry for the pain you are in. I think the previous post provided a lot of good ideas/options that you might consider. I saw a short part of the Gwyneth Paltrow interview and had similar feelings to what you described...you are not alone. (It's like the TV ads in May around Mother's Day...they bring tears to my eyes.)

God has a different plan for some of us than what we have planned for ourselves. I hope you will find a way back to your church. When my heart has been the heaviest, I turn it over to God. He can handle it, when it feels like too much for me to bear. Hoping you find peace and happiness. You may have read the prayer below...I posted a copy in my bathroom and I read it almost every day. Remember: You are a child of the universe.

Take good care.



Go placidly amid the noise and haste,

and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible without surrender

be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly;

and listen to others,

even the dull and the ignorant;

they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,

they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,

you may become vain and bitter;

for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;

it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs;

for the world is full of trickery.

But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;

many persons strive for high ideals;

and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.

Especially, do not feign affection.

Neither be cynical about love;

for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment

it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,

gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.

But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,

be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,

no less than the trees and the stars;

you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you,

no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,

whatever you conceive Him to be,

and whatever your labors and aspirations,

in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,

it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful.

Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 12:04am
Please don't be so sad....this is not meant to be mean, but think of what life with an alcoholic father would have meant for the child? I made the mistake of staying with an alcoholic spouse until my kids were in their late teens. As a consequence, my oldest daughter (age26 now) learned that "accepting and toughing it" was part of being a woman and married a raging alcoholic and now has three kids who are scared from their abusive father! She finally has decided to be courageous and leave him, but I fear for her oldest, a daughter of 9 who has seen and heard WAY too much. Is she scarred also???

On a better note, please see a doctor. It may not be too late, cause I am 45, in a relationship with the love of my life and the REI doctor treating me has said she expects no issues for me because my FSH levels are that of a 22 year old! There are ways to help you and there is a place I saw online today within the Resolve Infertility website that offers financing to certain people..don't give up hope...I shall pray for you. The other ladies responding also had great ideas also...mothers are not made just by popping out babies, they are made when you give you heart to another human being selflessly and earnestly. Mothers MOTHER their babies and children, many children are motherless out there...somebody needs you, you just have to look!

take care


Avatar for travinski
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2004
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 7:53am
Thanks for all the responses. I have a mortgage and a huge loan - I don't know how I would ever qualify for another one - which would have to be large to even come close to achieving what I want. I'll look at that website anyay if you provide the URL. If it's American, the cost would be that much more since converting Canadian money to American is very expensive.

As far as working with kids - I work with kids everyday. I am a teacher. I've also volunteered as a Big Sister but NOTHING takes the place of having your own child. NOTHING!!!!! I will never have the thrill of holding my own baby in my arms, I will never have anyone to grieve over me when I'm gone. Such is the life of a divorced woman with no children. To be honest, I wouldn't care if I just died. My entire life was thoughts about how I would teach a child this or show a child I loved them by doing that - I never had any other aspirations but to have a child. I am so angry at God - I prayed for years that I would meet someone and have a baby. Then I met this guy and he was the first guy in his 40's who still wanted to have children. Everybody thought it was a miracle. I don't believe in miracles anymore.

As far as my ex-husband being an alcoholic, like I said, he does not drink in front of his child. He lives in another area and his son has no idea he's a drunk. If he got worse, you can bet I'd bring out all the ammunition I needed to have his visitation rights revoked. His exgirlfriend has warned him about that also and he pays attention because the only person he's capable of loving is his son.

Fostering a child can be dangerous. I know of a lady who fostered a baby and when she had to hand the baby back to the parents, she had a nervous breakdown. It was like the baby had died. Is it so wrong to want to have a baby??? Older children who are up for adoption usually have lots of problems,physically and psychologically. How can I do that all by myself. You guys are trying for a baby - why is it wrong for me to want one too!



iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 9:19am
I totally agree with the other posters - you need to seek professional help - am I to understand that you're Canadian? You should be able to get into some counseling program and or perscription treatment and don't wait. Do it today.

I understand depression, I understand being angry at God, I understand not wanting to wake up in the morning. But you do wake up, and you do go to work - and the one thing I've learned in my own life is that nothing, and I mean nothing, is so bad that I can't get over it. If you don't want to try perscriptions, maybe pick up a jar of St Johns Wort - it's an herbal remedy for depression - Get physical, take walks, jog, bike, take hikes, something - get moving. Get involved with organizations that interest you.

I certainly don't mean to be insensitive but think about it - if someone where to walk into your life right now, you might miss them for all your wallowing. You need to get yourself together, now, before you can even think about loving someone else, let alone a child.

I pray that you find peace and strength in each day and that God blesses you as is His will in this life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2003
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 4:07pm
I am so sorry to hear you are going through all of this. My 1st husband was an alcoholic & he was in rehab 3x before I left. He got worse after each time. I kept waiting for him to get better before trying to conceive but it never happened. I left @ 30 & was lucky enought to meet someone nice & get remarried. I am finally having a successful Pg @ 41.

From your post being a mom sounds like the most important thing for you. I know how hard all this is financially. I haven't worked in 9 months but somehow through God's miracles we are managing although the last couple of months seemed like we couldn't make the bills money came in just in time. We had refinanced our home for the last 2 IVF cycles. Do whatever you can to bring your child into your life. We will be praying for you.


Lilypie Baby Days
Avatar for travinski
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2004
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 5:59pm
Wallowing? Yeah, that's true. Just because I'll never hold my own baby in my arms is certainly nothing to wallow about. I wonder if you do any wallowing on this board when you find out you're not pregnant each month? I AM in therapy and on medications but for some things, there are no cure. I found your post to be very insensitive. I will not come back here to be insulted again.



Avatar for travinski
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2004
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 6:01pm
Thanks for your understanding.



iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2004
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 10:43pm
I haven't visited these boards for at least a week and when I came across your posting I felt compelled to write to you even though I am totally exhausted from a difficult work week.

First of all let me say that my heart really goes out to you. I think that there are many women on these boards who have gone through similar feelings, such as myself. Feelings of despair, hopelessness, anger and bitterness. It strikes at the very core of us as women to contemplate a life without a child of our own. Somehow we feel like total failures as human beings if we cannot achieve motherhood. I am 43 myself and have had 4 miscarriages that were very difficult and painful to go through. I also was married to an alcoholic 10 years ago. I had one of my miscarriages with him. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't long to hold my little baby in my arms. I see pregnant women everywhere and just am filled with longing. But I will never give up my dreams of my baby. I can visualize her right before my eyes and it makes me feel all warm inside.

No one can feel exactly the kind of pain that you are feeling, and it is important that you feel your feelings and express the anger that you have, and I hope that you feel like this forum is a place in which you can express yourself.

However, I have one very important thing that I would like to impart to you: don't give up no matter what anyone tells you. Doctors are not God, Fertility Specialists are not God. Don't ever give up. Surround yourself with positive stories, and they are out there, of women in their 40's and 50's having successful pregnancies. If you start to believe with all of your heart that you can have a baby, and you take steps to make it happen then I truly believe that even though it might look hopeless right now, you will hold that beautiful little baby in your arms. Even if you are struggling financially.

There are women on these very boards who are even older than you and have gotten pregnant and carried their healthy babies to term AGAINST ALL ODDS. There are women here who are over 40 and have had recurring miscarriages and are having successful pregnancies.

I urge you to reconsider your position, as difficult as it may be. There are women who are even over 50 who are having healthy babies. Please, please don't give up. I know how important this is to you and I believe if you can just find some faith somewhere buried deep inside of you, you will be successful.

The women on these boards are angels and have a tremendous amount of valuable information to help you. Trust that. Don't leave these boards, there is some wonderful information for you here that will help you realize your dreams.

Sending you lots of healing energy and positive vibes...


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Sat, 08-28-2004 - 1:50am
I'm real sorry for you. I sometimes wish someone would just show up on my doorstep, and hand me over a little baby in a basket. I wish life were that simple. And I wish I could think of a solution for you, but I can't come up with anything that sounds good enough.

I guess you have to do as some of the others suggested right now...Keep the faith, keep hope alive. I would never, never, never give up if I were you. There is always a way.