Just turned 40 May 24
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|Thu, 05-27-2004 - 2:17am|
It was a very hard day I have to say. It did not hit me until 10PM the night before and then I just went upstairs and cried. It hit me so hard. I am so very grateful for the children that I had. I got pregnant at 24 the first time we tried with identical twins. It was an extremely difficult pregnancy resulting in the birth and loss of one of my boys. It was 8 years later that we conceived after trying for 4 months. I had my 3rd boy after another very hard pregnancy with hyperemisis for 5 months. My husband and I have gone through 2 periods of possible divorce and made it through, but have also gone through many years of his reoccurring unemployment which has caused so much stress. This year we have been married 20 years and I feel that we are solid in our relationship with the exception that he doesn't want to have any more children and I do. We just got back from a big trip to Hawaii and had a blowout there one day about the subject. I told him that I wasn't going to change my mind. He is the most worried about the depression that I go through after birth and I also suffer from OCD. I have never taken Prozac during breastfeeding and feel there isn't any doctor out there researching the safety of it! I would probably have to sign a legal document before he would ever budge on trying. But, the thing is that he is completely willing to have unprotected sex! He has also said before that if it happens, it happens, but he doesn't want to try to conceive. So, I usually have one or two times a month to try. The other problem is that he is on Prozac himself and even if we have a 'night' that doesn't even mean he can ejaculate. It just really feels like such an emotional mess and it is!
He is currently unemployed now and began working as a waiter. We have had a great sense of humor about all this since we have 3 degrees between us. But, it has been 7 months since he lost his last job and that is the longest ever. In the last 5 years, he has gone through 5 jobs.
I need help in knowing what day to try to conceive. I have read Taking Charge of Your Fertility, but I have given up on charting because I was feeling so much pressure because the nights I felt we should be together, he sensed it was the night for him to say no! I do have questions about the book though. The night before my birthday, my husband was so nice to me. He told me it was a bad birthday and just let me cry. I asked him later if he would help me get passed midnight and we stayed in bed together and laughed about him getting fired from his waiter job and his part time Sears job and riding his bike to work. Then I said how hot I was and must be having night sweats. When I realized it was after midnight I cried more again. We made love, but again he could not ejaculate. It just made my whole thought about my birthday and my unrealized dreams even worse. I have wished to have another baby for the last 3 years and can't believe that it hasn't happened by now. I tried to have a great birthday and it turned out really great. I spent the afternoon with my parents and my personally family and really felt they love me so much. That night, we made love again and it was finally completed with an ejaculation. This was on Day 12 of my cycle. The next morning I had tremendous cervical fluid, the night before just a little. Does that mean that I missed the right time again, or could there be sperm still to be in the good cervical fluid that could make me pregnant? I just don't know how it is ever going to happen for me when I only have one night, maybe 2 per month. And, I really need to know more about taking Prozac during breastfeeding and I hope some of you have information on that.
I know my life must sound so screwed up between my husband and myself in this regard. What do you to when you disagree, get a divorce? Go to a sperm bank? I could never do either and have been fighting to stay with this man not to leave him over this. But, how can I just turn off my feelings of wanting another baby, not feeling completed yet just because of what he says? I told him, how am I supposed to be happy for you in the future when you get things you dream about when you let me down about this. I told him, I just don't have any time to waste to make this dream come true and you have the rest of your life for your dreams. I appreciate my children so very much. It is just the same feeling I had at age 20 wanting my first baby that I have now. I dream about more children that have not been conceived yet. I see them and they are mine. What am I supposed to do! It has already been 6 months of this type of trying to conceive. I feel desperate and so very sad. Even with just this one night on Day 12 of a 28 day cycle each month, I have hope, but so much time is passing with the odds stacked against me.
Thanks for any help you can give.