Sad and discouraged (loss mentioned)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2004
Sad and discouraged (loss mentioned)
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 4:50pm
This is my first post since my baby passed away. Going through this loss (5 weeks) was just as hard as when I lost my twin son at birth. I actually saw our baby. I thank God that he was passed right in the beginning and just could not believe that we could know and take care of him the way we wanted to. It just breaks your heart.

I don't know if I am very immature at 40 or just very uneducated, but I feel like I do not know what steps to take next. I am so thankful that this bleeding has stopped and never want to go through this again. I know I don't have control of that, but I want to get in the care of the best possible doctors. I am not having any luck here in Cleveland. I don't feel ready to jump into trying again until I have had tests and proper medication if I need it. It is all so emotional.

I called one practice today and once they heard me say I was 40 she was already talking about egg donation! Then she said they had one lady 40, who was already on her 4 miscarriage. To her, 40 was just really over the hill and sounded absolutely hopeless without having loss after loss. I didn't think that was appropriate at all to talk about another patient either. This RE has an excellent reputation from what I can find in Akron Ohio but I did not appreciate this woman at all. Then, I called University Hospital in Cleveland and spoke with a nurse. She seemed a lot more thorough. I keep asking about protocols with progesterone. The Akron nurse said they give everyone suppositories after ovulation but had no idea what I was talking about as far as what level you are supposed to have. The nurse in Cleveland said when it is a natural conception there is no way of knowing what is an acceptable level but when it is not natural the level should be over 20. That was the first time I ever heard someone say something similar to Dr. Beer. So, I made an appointment with them. I just hate feeling at the mercy and random chance of the medical community in getting a good doctor.

I feel just really old after talking with that lady in Akron. I am so mad at myself for not trying to conceive earlier. But, we were having serious marital problems and getting pregnant would have been pretty difficult to do. Since the loss, I have just felt outside my body. Has anyone else felt that way. I don't want to feel like I am wasting time not just jumping back into trying, but I don't want to have the same thing happen if I can do more to prevent it. It is just really hard to even get out of bed right now, but I am doing it.

How can Dr. Beer be your doctor when you don't live in CA? What company of insurance has been the best to pay for these tests in your opinion?

Thanks for listening.


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2003
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 5:29pm
Mary: I am so very sorry for your loss. Please remember your are dealing with a major loss and please don't be hard on yourself and expect an immediate recovery. Your loss is still recent...and the child you lost was very real to you. Take the time you need to mourn, as you would the loss of a loved one. In your note, you asked if anyone else felt the way you are feeling...Mary, yes I felt the same way when I had my miscarriage. Wish I could make this less painful for you...

It sounds like the place you called in Akron isn't the place for you to go. University Hospital in Cleveland sounds more like they will want to work with you.

If I have understood previous posts correctly, Dr. Beers specializes in situations where someone has had multiple miscarriages. Any tests are done locally and then sent to Dr. Beers for assessment. I've never heard of someone who went to Dr. Beers and was unhappy with the advice/input received. (I haven't looked into this too much, since my problem is more with geting pregnant as opposed to miscarriage.)

Mary, you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I am sending you a big (((HUG)))....take good care.


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 7:18pm
Mary I am so sorry for your loss, I went through 3 m/c's before finally getting this far.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Thu, 07-01-2004 - 2:53am
Hi Mary,

I was just checking out the board, when I came across your post. I also had a MC, a little over a month ago. We had a heartbeat at 8 wks, and lost it 4 days later. You are is heartbreaking. You have to let go of all the thoughts and plans you were making for this baby. It is hard to believe....hard to let go of...

For me education is what helped me thru it. I am 42 years old, and am going to cont. to try to conceive naturally.

Have you charted your cycle in the past. This is not only helpful to you, but your doc as well. If you need more info on this, I have a great book to recommend.

Try and hold onto the positive 40 you DID conceive! For many women, that alone is almost impossible.

Best Wishes,


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Thu, 07-01-2004 - 10:56am
I totally agree! You got pregnant - that's half the battle.

I know what you're feeling - I've had two M/C - the last one was last year on my husbands birthday - he was devestated. But we've gotten ourselves back on track and we're actively trying again - my doctor has been nothing BUT encouraging. I suggest you ask around - there are alot of women out there who have wonderfully understanding doctors - I'm sure there have to be some in Cleveland (since I know there are some in Columbus!).

Anyway - hang in there and remember, even if you do decide that you aren't going to try any longer, you still have that angel looking out for you. (I'm lucky - I have two special angels. :) )

Sending you lots of hugs!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2003
Sat, 07-03-2004 - 1:09am
Hi Mary,

I am soo very sorry for all you have been going through. On top of that to have that nurse take it upon herself to say that to you prior to you having a full workup is totally unprofessional. Of course we all here are a little freaked out by the age factor but everyone is not the same. Some 43 year olds have better quality eggs than some 27 year olds. It is an individual thing & don't let anyone tell you different. As far as M/C goes there are many reasons for it besides chromsonal ones. Did you have the fetus tested? If you did and no problems were found you may have immune issues & would be helped by Dr. Beer. I am a patient of his & I am in NY/NJ area.

You can have blood drawn locally ship it to Chicago Medical School & he will review the results with you & prescribe what you need. It is all blood work so it makes it easy to work with him long distance. Only thing he he doesn't take coverage but I know Chicage Medical School does & that is where the bulk of the expense is, in the testing of blood. I am not sure what type of coverage they take as they didn't take mine but I think I recall someone talking about Aetna & Blue Cross?

We are here for you & just a post away if there is anything we can do to help.


Lilypie Baby Days
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2004
Mon, 07-05-2004 - 2:54pm
Hi Mary

I am sorry to hear of your loss and know very well what you are going through. I too, at 40, suffered a miscarriage/still birth at 5 months along...just 2 weeks after my monthly checkup with a strong heartbeat...go figure...and to top it off in was in February of this year...on my birthday. I am not sure if you m/c on your own ...I had to go through being induced to deliver the stillborn child. It is extremely painful anyway you look at it. However, as painful and tough to get over I have changed my focus on the loss to a positive one that God needed another little angel and selected my little boy. I am hoping positive thinking will give me positive results next time. Take the time YOU need to refocus and get mentally and physically back on track. NO ONE can tell you when you should be ready. We are all very different and suffer/mourn differently.

As others have written, be thankful you were able to get pregnant without medical help. I am...still have what it takes to do it far. That alone is a blessing. That means you are still fertile. You can see many suffer m/c's no matter what age you are you aren't alone there. Practice makes keep trying. Don't give up. My husband I started to try again 2 months ago and are waiting to see if I am pregnant this month as it is looking very good due to what I believe is implantation bleeding...19 days into a 28 day cycle. Spotting between cycles is not normal for me and my cycle is like clock work. So being 40 is nothing to be sad have plenty of life to live and life to give.

Sounds like you need a caring, compassionate doctor...go to the University...again, maybe it was a sign that you needed to be in the hands of someone who is better suited to assist you when you are ready to try again. I know, here in Canada, I had to change doctors (even though the one I had came recommended) I did not feel I got the care or attention I wanted or deserved. I wanted more at 40! :-) I'm in good hands now and he is well worth the drive...especially the drive for 2.

Wishing you happiness and positive thoughts.