So much confusion and so little time...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
So much confusion and so little time...
5
Fri, 10-29-2004 - 9:52am
HI Ladies....

Well its been a roller coaster ride. I had a m/c at 8 weeks on July 27. Got AF after that on August 29 and find myself now at cyce day 33. I took a home test and it was negative and I am not having any pregnancy signs. I had an HSG a couple weeks ago and everything looks perfect, my fsh was 7.8 and my estrodiol was below 50 on cd3. All in all I should be dancing in the streets. I bring home all the information from the RE to my DH, and now he decides he really does not want children after all. When we met, I was not supposed to be fertile, so we went in knowing we would not have kids, well miracle of miralces (and a million hours of yoga and massage later) I am fertile, but just really old. I will 41 in December. The RE says in my case gonadatropins and IUI are the way to go. All but 20% is covered by insurance. I have everything I need to have a healthy baby except a willing partner. Anyone else have a spouce freak the hell out this close to having what you wanted??

I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. This m/c was hard on us both, and life right now is just a little stressful (I am a full time nurse, full time master's student, a graduate assistant, and oh yeah my father is home on hospice for lung cancer!) I see all of these things as short term, they all have a logical end in the next several months. My dad has only days to weeks to live, I am graduating in May, and I will be a Nurse Practitioner with just one job. So our lives will be very different in 9 months.

I know this is long, and is starting to look like a rant, but ladies, you are the only ones on the planet who get it. Thanks for being who you are, I do not know any of your faces, but I sure feel like I know your souls. Thanks for being so kind.

Sophia

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2003
Fri, 10-29-2004 - 11:10am

(((Sophia))) first you are not really old and second alot of us have had the spouse problem.

Cathie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2004
Fri, 10-29-2004 - 12:43pm
Sophia,

FIrst of all, I'm sorry about your m/c. It must have been very difficult to handle, especially with everything else going on in your life. I always believe that things happen for a reason. But that's easier to say, than live, at times. I am also sorry to hear the sad news of your father. I've been there, my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer and died within 7 months--it was 9 years ago but it's still very fresh in my mind.

Now, onto DH...

We have a lot in common here. DH is 50 years old, and if having children was an important part of his vision for himself, I suppose he would be a father by now. I knew this when we married, but he also knew I wanted a child, if I was lucky enough to have it happen. He promised he would not "close the door" on the subject, and as much as I wanted a firmer commitment from him at the time, I wanted a good relationship first, which is what I have. I have not had a lot of luck in the relationship department for one reason or the other, so finding my DH and getting married later in life was, to me, more than I ever thought I'd have. Having said that, I really, really, REALLY want a child. But nor do I want to force DH to be a father, not one should be forced to be a parent. We have been talking about it, he has reservations and would prefer I back away from the whole issue, but I can't. You think you're old? I'm 45, almost 46. I've had a wonderful life so far, I have a great career and have traveled a lot and ran marathons and done very cool things. But I've always wanted a child, and did not want to do it without a partner. If I was 45 and still single, I would probably adopt. And perhaps that will be the beter option as time goes on. For now, I cannot accept that I can't conceive a child. I want this badly, but not just ot have a baby, but to have one with DH. It would be wonderful and he would be a great father--I know this for sure. But, like your DH, he is freaking out too. We are no longer using birth control--my current cycle is weird, no period either but no PG symptons. I tested yesterday and it was negative. So, he's going along with all of this but is still freaking out. He's worried about being too old, about our careers wonding down in time for our child to need the financial support for college. He worried about our energy levels, my health, our life changing drastically. He worries about being set in our ways and how much a child--even one--will impact our lives on every level. All of these worries are important, and I've had the same fears. But I'm a "glass half empty" kind of gal, so I look at things positively. I focus more on the positive aspects of us with one child. Gosh, I culd go on and on about this. Sorry to rample on so much, but I can totally relate to what you wrote. Please know you are not alone, we are all in this with you, even if the support is just the cyber kind! Please stay in touch, I'd love to know how you're doing and how you resolve things.

Hang in there, and know that things happen for a reason.

-Carol

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Fri, 10-29-2004 - 7:58pm
((((((Cathie and Carol)))))))

Thank you both, I needed your words today. You have helped me make some sense of this for a while at least. Please ramble at me whenever you want, I need it!!

Sophia

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Sat, 10-30-2004 - 6:12am
What timing you have. I've been thinking about writing, but your post has made me sit down and do it. My story.... Met my husband 9 years ago (he:41, me -36) and he made it quite clear from the start that children were not a part of his vision for his future. I always thought I would have kids, but at 36 I found myself somewhat ambivalent and preferred a good relationship with a husband even if that meant no children. I knew I would have to grieve at the end of my fertile years for the lost opportunity, but I was willing to accept that. Flash forward 4 years..... dh wakes up one day to tell me he's been thinking about having a child for a number of different reasons. I am not very responsive because I'm confused by the switch. In the end I say we are older and we don't have time. We have no idea if we can conceive or not and quite frankly ii was doubtful. But why no stop birth control and try for a year. After that we could let go of the idea and say we tried. Two months later I was pregnant and I'm thrilled. I give my husband the "good news" and he freaks out. His life will be ruined. It's too much responsibility, I was going to end up a boring mother/housewife, etc. I was devastated. The last thing I wanted was to have a child with someone who wasn't fully committed. I couldn't fully enjoy my pregnancy because I couldn't share my joy with dh knowing how he felt. Anyway the pregnancy was perfect till week 37 when baby started to suffer. Emergency C-section, Nicu, and fear of long term damage to ds. A very stressful experience, but the final result is we have a wonderful, healthy, happy 3 1/2 year old boy. Two years ago dh starts talking about ttc#2. We are both agreed that giving ds a sibling is important to both of us. DS has no young family. He has older parents, aunts and grandparents, but no younger cousins. I can't bear to think of him as an adult with no living family members. Plus, I grew up with sisters and can't imagine life without them. At the same time, I am again ambivalent from a personal/selfish point of view. I feel very strongly about being the primary caregiver for the first three years. I am finally getting my adult life back and I'm not sure that I want to give up another three years. One child doesn't cramp my style. I have traveled internationally with him and I can generally take him with me wherever I want to go. This includes a bar (I live in Italy) if I want have a glass of wine with a friend. Two children will tie me down more. Anyway, I avoided the subject as much as possible. Finally told my husband all my fears including lack of trust in him given his reaction with #1 ds. He was persistent. I agreed finally that I could give up another three years for the long term goal of family for ds and made a ob appt. Meanwhile, Dh's father gets very ill. He's probably dying (currently in hospital). I tell dh that this is probably not a good time. Trying to conceive is stressful and our present situation is beyond stressful. DH will not be deterred. OK! I'm on board. I'm undergoing physical exams, charting, POAS and a week ago started CLOMID. Three days ago he tells me he's having doubts, this isn't a good time etc. When I broke into tears, he jumped down my throat for for my reaction. He has no understanding of how difficult it was for me to make the decision to go for #2 and the emotional investment I have made. I'm not ambivalent now. I want to try. But I'm devastated. I certainly don't want to a child if he can't handle it, but I feel so betrayed and alone. And in limbo. I'm supposed to have my hcg shot on Tuesday. Do I take it? Do I stop the treatment? I'm still in high emotions and not thinking very clearly. I must say that venting has helped a lot. Thanks for this forum. It's great therapy!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2004
Sat, 10-30-2004 - 3:32pm
Hi Sophia,

I will be 44 in December and I have now had 4 mcs, 3 of them over 40. I too have an ambivalent partner(we live together but are not married, known each other for 6 years), except in my case he is not just ambivalent about having a baby but also about our relationship. He is 41 and has never been married and comes from a very difficult childhood. There is no question that we love each other deeply and the times I have gotten pregnant (last one ended in a mc at 8 weeks this past May 2004) he has shown me another side of him, which mirrored someone who really wanted children but was just terrified of it. I could see his excitement when he heard I was pregnant.

I think that men have a very different response to the whole thing than women do. They see it in terms of a big responsibility and they question their own ability to #1. be able to be a good father and #2. be able to provide for the child. I have seen it again and again. I even had a neighbor who was married and tricked her husband into getting pregnant because she wanted a child so badly and he told her that he didn't want to have one right then or maybe ever. He was furious with her when he found out but then when the baby came he melted and fell in love with the child and couldn't have been happier. It turned their life around. She just stuck to her guns.

I think that we live in very tough times for relationships, careers and babies. Women of our generation almost have it the toughest because many of us have waited to have children because of our careers and because we were taught that you have to choose one thing over another. (Also it never used to be talked about in the media so much the fact that fertility drops after 35) (I for one just kept thinking "oh I can always have a child"). Now, women in their 20's and 30's are having it all, the career, the relationship and the babies. Look at the rash of famous women in Hollywood who have been having babies and then getting on with their careers. I wonder how they balance it all though, and if they can truly give their child the attention it needs.

Now, for us it doesn't have to be over even if we are over 40. I am not going to argue that indeed the challenges may be greater in even achieving a healthy pregnancy, but I think that it is important to honor our dreams, and if we have a dream, a passion of having a child of our own then we need to go ahead and do it no matter what. And that the man we are with will come around somehow. Hey, if they don't then maybe they are not the right people. I think you have to balance how important it is to have a child. All I know is that I don't want to wake up when I'm 60, crying because I gave up my dream because of a man.

Jadu