Some encouragement from a grad (long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Some encouragement from a grad (long)
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 12:47am

I don't really lurk on this board but just stopped by a for a visit tonight. I saw on an earlier post a question about FSH level. I just wanted to share my story, which will hopefully provide a bit of encouragement to someone.

In the fall of 2001 when I was just a few weeks away from my 40th birthday, I went to see my CNM b/c DH and I had been ttc for 8 months without success. She ordered some bloodwork. My CD3 FSH was 26.2!!! At the time I didn't know how bad that number was, only that the CNM said to me "I'm sorry" and told me that I should see a fertility doctor. I was stunned b/c just the year before, almost to the day, I had given birth to my second child (sadly she was born at 22 wks. gestation and her life was way too brief). Needless to say, the grief and despair caused by my secondary infertility, in addition to the grief I was still feeling for ~DD~, was almost overwhelming. Luckily, I found this board and the support I received was invaluable.

I did go see a RE, and tried Clomid for several months. It was a disaster! I never developed any good follicles, only cysts, and the Clomid made me an even bigger emotional wreck. My FSH level was checked once more by the RE during my first month on the Clomid and that time it was 11.

The two months following the Clomid cycles, I tried the herb that does the same thing as the Clomid (I can't believe I'm blanking on the name of it!). Anyway, I felt as if I was developing cysts with that, too. By now DH and I had been ttc for a year. I read Julia Indichova's book, Inconceivable, and began to visualize, and pray for, my "golden egg". I gave up on herbs but did switch from cow's milk to soy milk (I had read that the hormones in cow's milk could possibly cause problems in ttc.). That third month off of Clomid, I decided to focus on the joys in my life - my DH and DS (who was 3 at that time). I planned an incredibly, fun romantic evening for me and DH (once DS went to bed). I'm smiling just remembering - our fun lasted for days.

The RE had told us that we only had a 6% chance of getting pg on our own, and with my FSH being so high, the chances of having any viable eggs, of good quality, were very low. OBVIOUSLY, since I'm coming back and posting as a grad, my story has a happy ending! My "golden egg" will be 15 months old on Saturday - and sometimes I look at her and still cannot believe that she is here - and healthy.

I was obsessed with getting pg and I was grieving so much - the loss of my DD, and the loss of my feritlity. Reading "Inconceivable" was a turning point for me. I was able to re-focus on the positives in my life - my DS and DH, the time I did get to have with ~DD~. I visualized my golden egg getting fertilized, but at the same time I began to make peace with the possibility that it might not happen. That's when I got pregnant.

Once I started my cycles after having DD, they were very regular for the first few months but have since started getting just a bit irregular again, like when I was ttc. I do believe I am perimenopausal, as the RE said, but my "6% chance" is upstairs sleeping right now.

I wish you all the best of luck, and often pray for all women who are ttc.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2004
Sat, 03-13-2004 - 9:42pm
Hi Michelle

First of all, I'm so sorry about your loss. However, thank you so much for posting your story. I did find it encouraging and very inspiring. It seems like so much 'rests' on a number. When my FSH suddenly spiked one month, all my odds changed for the worse. For months now, I've felt almost obsessed with everything about 'infertility'. I was finding it hard to concentrate especially at work. My DH began to feel more like a sperm machine than a partner in all this. This current month (currently in 2ww), I've tried to just let it go and whatever happens, happens.I feel more like my old self. Reading your story reaffirms my belief that thinking positive, and praying have so much to do with fertility. Thanks again, and I hope all is wonderful and going well for you!

God bless,