Is TTC causing probs in your R?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2006
Is TTC causing probs in your R?
12
Sat, 07-31-2010 - 1:06am

Is TTC and all the obsessions and emotional ups and downs causing problems in your relationship?

It is mine. I admit I am obsessed---from checking iVillage, to reading medical articles online, to books from the library to freaking out over lab results and FF cross hairs and watching TCL Baby Story, to researching REs and demanding BD as soon as my OPK lights up....and my DH is really beginning to get stressed out as much as I am.

I feel bad. He wants a baby too but I am the one that is making this whole process hellish. I am the one that is possibly too old. I am the one that has to deal with the end of my life as a fertile woman where he has no idea what that must feel like. He is upset over his receding hairline....well multiply that times 1000, add in your identity as a human female, your place in modern society as an older woman, and all the crap from childhood....and well, you've got the makings of a Woody Allen script...and a whole lot of sudden tension in an otherwise happy marriage.

I am really sad tonight because DH was upset with me over all of this, and this is the first time he has ever totally lost his temper with me when I was not being a jerk first or being unfair with him. I was just genuinely distraught over the fact that I may not be able to give him children.

And now this fighting. It isn't helping. I am bumming out tonight.

Just had to vent. Thanks for listening. I kind of have a feeling I'm not alone. If so, {{{{hugs}}}}. First round's on me.


-Dianne, 41 yo
DH 37


TTC#1 since March 2010
Acupuncture, Chinese Herbs, OPKs, Charting (for now)





http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/flappergirl2


-Dianne, 41 yo
DH 37


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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2010
Sat, 07-31-2010 - 7:36am

So far, this early on, it has been pretty OK.

About me: A pixie in the city, 41, TTC#1 since May 2010, married 18 years.


Diagnosed with/surgically removed endometrioma Aug 2010. Sept IUI #1=BFN. Nov IUI #2=BFN. Uterine polyp removed Jan. 2011. Jan 2011 IVF cancelled. No response. 2nd

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2007
Sat, 07-31-2010 - 8:28am

Ohhhh yeah. TTC and more specifically, infertility is a huge marital stressor. Right up there with having a baby! :)

I wish I had advice but I really don't. My situation is a little weird because DH is ambivalent at best about having a child. I feel guilty about the small role he has to play in our fertility adventures -- yep, I willingly get poked and prodded and anesthetized and needled, but I feel bad that he has to, er, make a deposit in a cup. Crazy!

It took a long time for him to come around. I have heard plenty of stories about men who were lukewarm on having kids, but completely melted when the baby arrived. Really hoping that happens for us.

Hang in there, all.

P.S. I sneak looking at iVillage like I imagine someone would a porn site! Don't want DH to see...


Susan CB



TTC #1 at age (gulp) 42

June 2008: m/c

April 2010: IVF #1 -- chemical pregnancy

June 2010: IVF #2 -- BFN

July/Aug. 2010: starting IVF #3 with estrogen priming protocol


Susan CB

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2009
Sat, 07-31-2010 - 10:13am

Yes, Dianne, TTC and IF can be hell on a marriage -- especially when one partner is considered old and one is considered young. You are only 4 years apart but you are the one over 40 and your DH still has years, so to speak. So it is very hard not to feel guilty, worried anxious and all of that.

Photobucket 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2007
Sat, 07-31-2010 - 10:56am
Krista, we are lucky to have you as our CL. Excellent advice!

Susan CB



TTC #1 at age (gulp) 42

June 2008: m/c

April 2010: IVF #1 -- chemical pregnancy

June 2010: IVF #2 -- BFN

July/Aug. 2010: starting IVF #3 with estrogen priming protocol


Susan CB

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2004
Sat, 07-31-2010 - 1:16pm

Well, the whole reason I am here now is because it took more than 4 years for the MAF to wane suddenly last month.

Still, I am clearly the one in charge driving this ship. I tell him the basics, but he doesn't ask a lot of questions and definitely isn't obsessed. Meanwhile I feel like I was waiting at the starting line for 4 years and now I'm sprinting with pent-up energy now that the gun has gone off.

With our second child - the second trimester loss - we had the info about his congenital heart defect for weeks prior to losing him. I recall very clearly that I was the one educating myself voraciously about the surgical options and what delivery would need to be like, and what we could expect it Kade survived. Meanwhile DH was just withdrawn and depressed.

One of the things that got us through that period and the subsequent loss was that we made a pact that we were permitted to say anything to eah other about what we were feeling about the process without judgement. It was crucial. Our relationship was not that frank prior; so it was HUGE that both of us could feel safe to say whatever even if it was something we would be embarrassed/ashamed/guilty to say to someone else.

So my advice would be to encourage just hearing whatever he has to say without judging it or taking it personally and seek the same understanding from him.

-Bridget


Sig #4 ivillage






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-Bridget
TTC#3 since June 2010. Me = 40 w/ PCOS; DH = 43; married 13 years.
Taking: Pre-natal, 100mg B6, 50mg Clomid, Robutussin
#1Clomid baby, born 2003. Aaron!
#2Clomid baby, lost to heart defect in 2nd trimester, 2006

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2010
Sat, 07-31-2010 - 3:50pm

bridget that is such great advice.

About me: A pixie in the city, 41, TTC#1 since May 2010, married 18 years.


Diagnosed with/surgically removed endometrioma Aug 2010. Sept IUI #1=BFN. Nov IUI #2=BFN. Uterine polyp removed Jan. 2011. Jan 2011 IVF cancelled. No response. 2nd

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2007
Sat, 07-31-2010 - 11:01pm
Dianne, I could probably write a book on this subject.
 


 


Susan V

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2006
Wed, 08-04-2010 - 12:12pm

THANKS so much for your replies and feedback ladies. You are the best.

The thing that is hard is the sudden dissapointment of realizing we will probably need IVF if we are to have a baby. We are still newlyweds (not yet a year). This is my 2nd M and his first. I just feel bad because I didn't want fertility probs to be the way to start off a M. We love each other and really have so much fun and joy and intimacy overall, but I can feel how this TTC thing is just starting to leak into the relationship and I don't want it to spread out onto it like a stain.

I found myself even feeling resentful of him for having sperm morphology issues last night. Though we still haven't gone for our full consult (next week)...it just hit me... I don't know if IVF is something I want to endure. It seems like it is such a huge risk. I mean, how many couples have success on the firs try??? Can I handle a miscarriage and keep going back to try again and again? I don't know if I can handle it or if our M can handle it, honestly. So now I am thinking that maybe having children isn't even in the cards for us. He wants to go forward with IVF no question...but it is ME that will have to go through all the hormone supps, painful procedures, needles, possible CMs or miscarriages or maybe something worse if it goes into the 2nd trimester. I honestly don't know if I can handle all that. And if I can't, that means we can't have a family. And what iwll happen to the marriage? It is heavy stuff that I am really bummed out to have to address now. I just don't want to go there....but I have no choice. We are in this now and need to figure it out.:(


-Dianne, 41 yo
DH 37


TTC#1 since March 2010
Acupuncture, Chinese Herbs, OPKs, Charting (for now)





http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/flappergirl2


-Dianne, 41 yo
DH 37


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2007
Wed, 08-04-2010 - 12:27pm
Dianne, life is full of "what if's" "should haves" "could haves" "what happens next", the whole shebang.
 


 


Susan V

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2010
Wed, 08-04-2010 - 12:40pm

Right now DH and I are thinking of it as this is our adventure.

About me: A pixie in the city, 41, TTC#1 since May 2010, married 18 years.


Diagnosed with/surgically removed endometrioma Aug 2010. Sept IUI #1=BFN. Nov IUI #2=BFN. Uterine polyp removed Jan. 2011. Jan 2011 IVF cancelled. No response. 2nd

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