TTC - DH wants Vasectomy

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
TTC - DH wants Vasectomy
5
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 9:01am
discussion title: TTC - DH wants Vasectomy

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message #: 22043.1

from: crazbab

date: 8:56 am

replies: 1

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I am not new to this board but have been posting on PG over 35, then Termination after Poor Prenatal Testing. Now I am back here. I am 43 years old was 20 weeks PG when amnio determined our baby had Down syndrome. Also, autism in my DH's immediate family, so thought it best not to continue with PG. We almost did, but could not get the past the concern that there would be no one to look out for our son for 15-20 years of his life when we had passed away. He would be left alone, confused & possibly abused if we were not here to look out for him anymore.

I want to TTC as soon as possible. Had medical termination Nov. 5th and assume I will have to wait a couple more weeks to TTC to allow time to physically recover enough. The problem is that DH does not want to go through this again and went to the Dr. yesterday to get a referral to have a vasectomy. So, if I want to get PG again, it will have to be right away or not at all. He even bought condoms to prevent PG until vasectomy success confirmed.

He won't even discuss waiting for 6 months to TTC and then having the vasectomy if nothing happens. He says we TTC for 5 years, then stopped trying and got PG 2 years later out of the blue to our delite and then this happened. He says he can not watch me go through this horrible pain & disappointment again and he can't handle it himself either.

I even told him to wait and I will have a tubiligation next year. He says I have been through enough and he is going to do this.

So, I am going to get PG, I will have to get the man drunk and take advantage of him. Then, once I am PG, he will have to deal with it. I am sure he will be worried, as will I, but he will get over it. The only problem is that it took us so long to get PG this time, it is unlikely that I will get PG at all anyway.

Anyone have any suggestions as to when to go for it? Still bleeding from termination and a little sore if I am on my feet for too long. It was only 6 days ago. I want to be in prime condition when I try so I don't miss my chance.

Linda (craz)



iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 4:22pm


Linda,

((hugs))

I bet your hubby is now doing this because of the pain of lost you both had. I think you are right to try have him wait a while let the pain lessen then make a decsion. However, men are "it hurt's so we don't do it" type people so he thinks on a different level.

I don't really have advice except to try to get him to wait. I will keep you in my prayers if you need to talk you may e-mail me.

((hugs)) I am so sorry for your loss.

Dawn

drsalsbery@yahoo.com



Have an awesome day!!

Dawn 41, DH 35 / DD 23 years old

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 5:01pm
(((((LINDA))))

Oh my, dear lady, I cried as I read your posting. How hard to have so many losses at once. I can feel the pain in your heart through your words. The child that has been lost to you is safely in the hands of heaven and you will see him one day. He will run to you and thank you for loving him so much. Only out of a heart of love could such a large sacrifice be made. I know this does not decrease the grief of seperation honey. You loved this child, had planned for him and loved him more than anyone can understand but you and his daddy. Both you and your husband need to take a breath before you do anything permanent. I understand his pain, and for men, not being able to protect his family is beyond words. He loves you and he loves the baby you both lost. He needs time to heal. I understand why you want to do whatever it takes to have a baby in you again. I know that loss too, my DH and I miscarried our son in July, and the pain is still real. I have run through all the ways to get pregnant, and my docs say its all systems go, however my DH, like yours, does not want to put us through this again. Please be careful about doing something rash or try to deceive this man who you love. Remember all the reasons you wanted to have HIS child, not just a child, but his child. And he will remember too.

You are smart to reach out to find some help. If you need to talk please feel free to email me. My DH and I are seeing a counselor starting in couple weeks to come to terms with our loss and our desires. Please take time to rest and find understaning in your soul. You deserve to find that peace, you have a wonderful heart, and your sacrifices will find comfort. My prayers are with you. You are a loving mother, and your son is lucky to have been loved so much.

Sophia

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2004
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 3:09am
I have so much compassion for you. I hope that you can find a way to get on the same page, either by yourselves or with a counselor, as soon as possible, so that your DH knows that to end all possibility of this for you with no discussion will hurt you more than what you just went through (if this is true). Can he fathom that? From his point of view, that would have to be pretty bad and he needs to know this. It sounds to me like you know what it is to be fully devastated and to be willing to go there again is something so profound he needs to understand this and he might very well need help to grasp that. The first time is one thing. The second time can be just as rough but at least you know what you're in for. And my god, you have hope and you are willing to face it again so to me, your faith, desire, strength, force, is unquestionable. My heart goes out to you. And yet, maybe he just can't go through it again. Please please talk to a counselor, several times if necessary, regardless of what happens. And know that whatever you decide and do is ok and the best you can do. Just be together in the process. You are already a family.

So much love and support to you both.

-Pea
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 10:32am
Just want to thank everyone who posted a reply. Your support really helps. It is nice to know that I am not crazy to be wanting to TTC again so soon after our loss. I will talk to DH again, and again if necessary, to tryt o convince him that this IS what is best for me, not giving up. I know he is hurting, but I think he is more scared of a recurring problem and he doesn't want to see me go through this pain again. I, on the other hand, am willing to risk it...just once more.

I will keep you all posted. Cross your fingers for me!

Linda

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2004
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 4:40pm
You might also consider learning more about IVF with genetic counseling and intervention which allows the doctors to test blastocysts further than normally done to increase your chances of having a healthy child without going through the same experience again. It might really be worth it if your odds are not favorable. Why go through such devastation again if you can possibly work around it. Please forgive me if this is what you have tried before. All the best. -Pea