What will my children think?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2003
What will my children think?
10
Sat, 08-02-2003 - 11:47pm
Hi - I'm Laurie and I'm new to this board. Just discovered it a few weeks ago and have been lurking in the corners. But wanted to ask this and see if anyone else had an opinion/thoughts. Sorry if this is a long post or if someone feels I'm on the wrong board. Didn't know whether I should be at the Over 40 Parents board.

My DH and I had our first child when I was 43 (DH was 41). We were extremely lucky and conceived after three months of trying on our own with one miscarriage. We were blessed with a baby girl (Hannah Rose) born 5/2/02 with a few complications (I ended up with a C-section). I love her to death even though I felt kinda funny at the time about being 43. I was one of the oldest women in the hospital :)

I am now 44 and will be 45 in October. The thing is I really want to have another baby - not just because we would love another but also because I would like Hannah to have a brother or sister to grow up with. That, of course, is dependent upon whether or not I can even conceive again - I have a feelin' I would (I come from a fertile family). But I feel guilty and selfish somehow. My cut-off point for having children was always 45 - arbitrary but it always stuck in my head that way. Never judged women who had children older than that but just said I wouldn't cuz I would be "too old". However, now that I'm heading in that direction I just don't know. My guilt is what happens when Hannah is 18 and I'm 61? We're at her high school graduation and everyone mistakes me for her grandmother? Or when she's 30 and I'm already 73? How will she feel about that? I know this sounds stupid - why I should I let what others think stop me from doing what I want. But I'm wondering if it's fair to Hannah and maybe another child. How will they feel about having older parents when their friends (probably) have much younger ones. Yes I know they will love us, etc. but I wonder if she will be embarrassed or whateverat some point in her life? I know this sounds incredibly stupid but I struggle with it alot.

So if anyone has thoughts, encouragement, cautionary tales, whatever, I really would appreciate hearing from you all. And thanks.

Avatar for cokoladaiv
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 08-04-2003 - 2:31pm
I'm having every confusing emotion you are! I am 43, had my DS when I was 39. He is constantly asking me for a baby brother or sister. I think my DH (49) is content with one but I am craving one more!

This is also complicated by the fact that I had an IUI to get pregnant the first time. I would love to be able to just wake up one morning and BE pregnant. The emotional and physical challenges are so over-whelming.

P.S. I've already been asked if my DS was my grandchild! So far have been able to chalk it up to ignorant people.

Good luck to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2003
Mon, 08-04-2003 - 5:14pm
My sister is a teacher at an elementary school and she tells me the number of parents over 40 of very young children that she sees now is more than ever. She thinks it's a very growing trend so that by the time Hannah grows up, it may probably be very ordinary that I'm an older parent and you and I should have lots of company :)

Thanks again for your thoughts, encouragement and good luck to you too!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2003
Wed, 08-13-2003 - 7:08pm
Hi Laurieann

Please don't waste a minute of your life wondering whether your 18 year old will be embarrassed by you - of course she will - all 18 year old girls are embarrassed by their moms! I was 38 and beautiful when my daughter was 18 - I mortified her by my looks, my fashion choices, my laugh, etc. What really matters is that you love and care for your child. I am ttc my 2nd child at 43 - and I still don't care what anyone thinks (whcihis why my husband is only 30). My daughter is 23 and I hope she will be happy for me if it happens. Life is loooong - 80 years or so...we have almost 40 years left - might as well use them!

Good luck to you.

Nikki

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Tue, 08-19-2003 - 4:57pm
Gee, I'm so glad there are so many other women feeling this way. I had my daughter at 39. My husband was 52. When we were leaving the hospital someone congratulated my husband on the birth of his grandaughter. We both laughed figuring we better get used to it. Anyway, we had always been a bit on the fence about #2 because of our ages but I recently lost my sister to cancer and now having a second child is very important for both of us. I'm now 41 and DH is 54. We've been tring since February and I've had one m/c. Now I have to see a fertility expert next week. I'm constantly asking myself if I'm doing the right thing but I look at my daughter and want her to have a sibling to grow old with. I also want her to experience the wonderful relationship one can have with a sibling. My sister was my best friend. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2003
Thu, 09-04-2003 - 10:24am
Hi there...

I read your post and I wanted to say congratulations on your pregnancy at 43. I am 43 now and I'm trying sooooo hard to get pregnant. The problem is not only because of my age, but I had a tubal reversal done in November 2000...so that adds to the problem. I come from a fertile family too and never had trouble conceiving in the past (I have three children and have had 5 pregnancies!!), but now....I've tried for 3 years and nothing. I can barely afford the clomid....let alone the injectibles that he's suggesting (2,000.00 - 3,000.00 a month here in Ontario, Canada).

Your post gave me hope and thank you so much....

I say go for it...have your baby despite your age....its how you feel, not your chronological age! :)

Hugs,

Canookie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 09-04-2003 - 9:31pm
Nice to see another Canadian... I'm from Toronto!!! How about you? I know fertility treatments can be really expensive!! Luckily my insurance covered our injectible costs - I felt like I had won the lottery when I found that out! What doctor are you seeing? I do know of many women who have gotten pregnant after a TR.

~ Pat
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2003
Fri, 09-05-2003 - 9:04am
Hi Pat! :)

You responded to me in another thread (first round of clomid)...I'm in Toronto too...I live in the East end and my RE is at Islington and Bloor...so I usually take the subway to get all the way over there lolol. It gets difficult sometimes because no one knows at work that I'm ttc'ing...and I'd like to keep it that way *grin*. I'm 43 and I don't think many of them would understand (not that its any of their business anyways lol).

Where do you live in Toronto? How old are you again? Please refresh my memory...are you pregnant??? I'm sorry, but I'm really new to this :)

Hugs!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2003
Sat, 09-06-2003 - 12:38pm
Heya, Laurieann....

I made the mistake last year of telling my then 19 year old daughter that I wanted to have another baby. She got upset and started telling me all the reasons why I shouldn't consider it. We have a great relationship, and some of her reasons were valid---I was significantly overweight and depressed about it, I hated my job and had cruddy benefits, hated where I was living, etc.

So, here it is a year later, and I'll ttc#2 after 20 years. My daughter knows I'm really going to give it a try, but I'm not going to give her a blow-by-blow description of all that it entails. I figure I'll tell her when I'm 10-12 wks along.

Oh, and in the meantime I lost 55 pounds, got a new job with great benefits, and most importantly I moved to a town where I've found supportive friends.

Btw....did Clomid cd 3-7, and 150 Follistim today-eeeyouch (cd 9) Worried that I might be ovulating early--ewcm today and abd achiness, but opt is neg. Hope the spermies get here in time.

Deborah in Alaska

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2003
Fri, 09-19-2003 - 1:00pm
Hiya Deborah in Alaska!

First of all - congratulations for all the changes you have made in your life! I have a great deal of respect for you for being able to accomplish all that. I have so much in common. I still want the 2nd baby but am also significantly overweight and extremely depressed about it, had a good job with great benefits which I hated, and hated where I lived - have no support structure except my DH. I am still overweight, depressed and struggling with it but I was able to quit my job and stay at home with our daughter full-time (what I wanted), and next month we're moving from Massachusetts (hate it!) nearer my old home town of San Diego, California, near my family, my best friends, etc. and the kind of life I want to lead so I'm REAL happy about that (so is DH). I feel much better about going for the baby because I am much happier now with the few changes I have been able to make. Just wanted you to know not to give up on the baby! My nurse practitioner told me that I would never be able to conceive on my own but that I should give it a try if I wanted (implying I was stupid), however, it would never happen so I should just get to a fertility specialist immediately. Such negativity (I got a new nurse practitioner)! But I know I was very lucky to conceive naturally without expensive treatments - our insurance wouldn't have paid for anything so I don't know what I would have done.

Good luck and let us know how it goes. Starting to try ourselves this month. Will let everyone know if the stick turns positive.

Thanks to all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2003
Tue, 10-21-2003 - 10:44pm
what happens whenHannah is 18 and you 61?

im sure nothing happesn except that she love s you.


there are no gguarantees in life

heres a story

maybe it will help

i know a couple that met, married and had 2 kids before age 30.

everything was rosy until mom develope dbreast cancer and unfortunately died

at age 35

dad was handling the kids when allof a sudden he developed some bizarre

form of MS - he is not well and in a wheel chair- who knows what to expect next

there are no guarantees in life so my advuice is go ahead and try

ifyou become preg ,just know it was meant to be

gd lk from a nyc mom that could never try for number 2 because my husband

developed prostarte cancer.