WHave you considered IVF with donor egg?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2004
WHave you considered IVF with donor egg?
5
Fri, 12-17-2004 - 5:19pm

Hi,

I am curious as to peoples response in having IVF with a donor egg. I am 41 (since Oct) and have been trying to conceive my second child since I was 38, nearly 39. After 9 months of trying I did conceive at 39 1/2 only to have a miscarriage at 10 weeks as the fetus stopped developing at 7. Last April I started going to a reknowned fertility specialist in my area and have run the cycle from Clomid to Follistim and many tests in between. All tests came out great but my most recent response to Follistim was not good as I O'd on my own which is a good indication that Ovarian reserve is quite poor. ( although my response to the fertility meds has never been overly great) The doctor has presented me with the idea that IVF with a donor egg may be the best option for me. My husband wants a child desperately. In fact wanted one right after we had our first (which is now 9, and we conceived on the first try). I was not ready again though until I was 38. I feel bad that I have dreprived him of this not to mention my desire now is strong. However I am not sure I can do a donor egg and look at a child that is my husband's but not biologically mine. Financially I think we can swing this as insurance will not pay for this and has paid little of my infertilty costs.

I am just not sure I can do it. I am not sure if my Ego is too big or what. I was wondering what everyone's thoughts are if they were given the opportunity to do this. Would you?

I am so confused. This has all been a rollercoaster ride with high moments of hope and low valleys of depression and desire to just quit.

Please let me know your thoughts.

Thanks,

Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Sun, 12-19-2004 - 2:50am


Lisa,

I have thought about that also having a donor egg. Here are my reasons and what I think the positive will be.

1. I went into a comma 9 years ago and devolped health problems since, none are life threating just a real pain, but can be passed on to my child. So a donor egg would have a better chance of being healthy.

2. Because of my age and the age of my eggs, I would have a better chance at a healthy baby.

No I would not think of the child as not mine (or yours) it is growing in YOUR womb, under YOUR heart, your arms will hold it when she is happy, sad, angry, hurt. THat is what a true mother is.
I know this is a hard journey and everyone feel's a different way, just maybe I helped in how I feel.

Best wishes to you!

((hugs))

Dawn40
CC#1
CD30
9DPO Long cycles

Have an awesome day!!

Dawn 41, DH 35 / DD 23 years old

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2004
Sun, 12-19-2004 - 10:57am

I agree with the original poster. I just can't see DE for myself. I know from raising/showing Siamese cats how big a role genetics plays in offspring. I look at my cats and greatly enjoy seeing their temperaments, expressions, personality that existed strongly in their parent. My one girl uses her hand with a flexed wrist in the exact same way as her beloved mother. They both touch things with their right paw. None of my other cats have this trait.

In my mind, I would get such a kick out of seeing my own child sitting on the floor playing and seeing familiar traits. I'd like to have that familiarity/understanding.
Temperament, personality, various traits/quirks, and general nervous system would all be a 1/2 a crap shoot with DE. Not to mention intelligence. I've looked at the photos/dossiers of these donors showing gpa of 3.8, etc. This means nothing to me. Anyone can get their butts through school. There are tricks to it. it's not a big deal. What I want is true intelligence at a basic level and - again, a crap shoot with de.

I believe it would take YEARS to truely truely connect spiritually with the child. I believe I would look at her and be reminded I never had my own kid (only out of sheer stupidity in not knowing over 40 is bad). I believe it would be very weird for me.
Someone else's child. Which is what it is. I would merely be the surrogate for a baby between my dh and another woman. For some reason, I had an epiphany over the weekend that if I could have a boy - it would be better for me mentally. I might see the baby as more of a mini-him (dh) vs. a mini-her (total stranger with unfamiliar genetics and personality.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2004
Sun, 12-19-2004 - 4:19pm

Hi Lisa,

Like you I am now 41 (since October), and like you I have a 9 year old, conceived naturally within 8 weeks of trying. My DH too wanted another one as soon as we had the first but I was not ready and wanted to wait. At 37 I was ready. We tried for 2 years before conceiving our daughter using IUI/Clomd. She was born still at 37 weeks (silent placental abruption).

Since losing her earlier this year we have undergone a further 3 IUIs and 1 IVF, all have failed. I am a poor responder to the IVF stims. I could continue to try with my own eggs, but my chances of success are low - at our age it's only about 15% with a fresh cycle, even lower with a FET. I'm going to try DE because I am desperate to have a baby and my biggest fear is that I will continue to keep trying with my own eggs, unsuccessfully, till it is too late for a good chance of even DE working. Cost is a key factor too IVF is expensive - do I want to drain all our financial resources with little chance of getting a baby out of it? For me DE is just a way of loading up the odds in my favour. With DE I go from a 15% to a 60% or 70% chance of coming home with a baby.

Yes, genetically, the baby won't be mine, and one day I will have to tell them how truely special they are, but the fact that we went to so much extra trouble to conceive them will simply mean they are loved all the more. Theoretically I am in the 'nurture' over the 'nature' camp, so I'm not hung-up about the 'genes' bit. Maybe if I had not had a child already I might feel differently, but I doubt it.

I don't know about you but as I look and listen and watch my 9 year old, sometimes I think 'where did he get THAT from', ie. not a behaviour/tendancy that I recognise from my family or DH's family. And then I remember - he is a unique person, not just a collection of genetic traits from either of his parents, exactly the same as any sibling, DE or not.

Good luck

Joy

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Mon, 12-20-2004 - 2:02pm

There are a lot of women here who would jump at the chance, but simply can't afford it. You don't have that issue, but seem to have bigger ones... the question boils down to this: do you want a baby that you can raise, nurture, teach and love, or do you want a little mini-me? There's far more to being a Mom than providing half of the chromosomes. A child is a living testament to his or her Mom (and Dad)... Like the t-shirt says: "Anyone can be a mother; it takes someone special to be a Mom".

You have a chance that many women don't get. Don't let vanity cloud your judgement. Life is full of regrets and what ifs. Think long and hard about this... our biggest regrets are often the one's where we let opportunities slip through our fingers.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2004
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 4:56am

I want to thank all you for responding to my question. Each one of your thoughts are thoughts I have had and I guess that is why I am in turmoil. You have given me much to think about and that was what I was hoping for. What I have learned is there is no right or wrong answer only what is right and wrong for each individual. I hope I can come to the right decision for me. As a few of you have said, time is an issue and I already have most likely missed the opportunity to have my biological child due to the arrogance that I thought I can just chose when I wanted my second (although with all the odds stacked against me there is a little hope and possibility that it can happen, you never know) . The biggest fear is that I will miss out on another opportunity. However I am not sure the opportunity is for me and I need to work through these issues. I don't necessarily want a "mini me", I already somewhat have one with my 9 yr old daughter. She looks like me and acts like I did when I was a child, which is so fun and interesting to watch but can also be a source of frustration when we butt heads.

I know sharing the same DNA does not make you a mother but I also know if I can't get past the "ego" issues and pursue IVF with DE becuase i don't want to miss an opportunity then I may not be a good mother and that would not be fair to the baby or myself. And that concerns me.

Thank you again, I so hope that I can work through this with a decision that I can live with, without any regrets. I know I have a few months as I wouldn't be able to start to do anything until about March.

My best wishes to you all.

Lisa