When is it enought? So confused! (mc, dd

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
When is it enought? So confused! (mc, dd
7
Thu, 07-29-2004 - 3:38pm
Hello Ladies -

I am a sometimes lurker here and I hoping that some of you won't mind giving me some of your words of wisdom and thoughts. I have seem a thoughtful and supportive group of women here during my "lurks" and I really respect your thoughts and advice.

The abbreviated version of my story is as follows: Chris (41), DH (38), DD (3). 3 MC's - ~i~ Feb 2003, ~i~ June 2003, ~i~ Jan 2004. Last two MC's were trisomys. First MC unknown. Complete work-up by RE shows no problems - just bad eggs. We have been TTC since the last MC in January with no luck. DH and I went to see the RE again yesterday. Her recommendation, given my age and history, is to do injectibles with IUI.

My head is swimming!! I really want another child. I love being a Mom. But the "numbers" are scary. 40% (statistically) of my eggs are bad and could result in another MC or REALLY hard decision. 20% of multiples with the risks that brings. Multiples would mean drastic and hard changes to our lives.

How do you make the decision to go ahead or not? I want another child but I do recognize that I am very fortunate to have my DD. I have a good life now. Each and every MC has cost me, my DH, and my DD. The cost is the time that I have lost while I have pulled myself out of the hole I sink into. How do I weight the desire/longing I have for another child against the risks that I am taking by putting an already "good" life in jeapardy?

Thanks to anyone who has read all the way through this. Special thanks to anyone who might give me their thoughts. I know that no one person can give me an answer but your shared thoughts might help me to work this all through.

Chris

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2003
Thu, 07-29-2004 - 7:33pm
Chris: First, I am very sorry for your losses. I have had one m/c and can't imagine the sadness and pain you have gone through with three. My heart truly goes out to you...

When is it enough? To be honest, much of your note reads like something I could have written myself. I guess the biggest exception is my dh & I are ttc #1...however, I think once you have a child you have even a better understanding of the wonders of being a Mom...making it that much more difficult to give up plans and dreams of having another successful pregnancy.

My dh and I were married in 10/97. We really didn't focus on our fertility problems until 11/02...really kick myself for that, but you can't undo the past. It always seemed like family situations (2 of our parents & dh's sister had cancer during that time) or work (we are both big time Type A folks...) were the priority. I think that's what makes it so very difficult to let go of our dream. We were always putting others first...which at the time seemed like a good decision...and now our hearts ache with sadness.

Initially, I told myself we would aggresively try for a year...which would have been 11/03. Right now, I say I will try until I'm 42...which if 7/05. I guess you make an ongoing assessment of how you & dh feel...and make your decision just one day at a time. All shall be well. Everything shall be well.

I do struggle with the negative impact this had on a life that I worked hard to build. I built strong friendships that I value and I seem at times to let them slip away while I'm on my "baby chase". I guess I tell myself that my true friends will be there at the end of this either at my baby shower cheering me on or sitting around with a nice glass of Merlot with no interruptions of little ones...not the life I'd choose for myself...but darn it, I'm going to make the best of it. I think I will always have a sadness if we don't have children...and I pray for the strength to accept God's plan for me.

Gosh...I really rambled here. You are not alone in your confusion. Trust your heart...you will make the decision that is right for you. Take good care...and thanks for coming our of lurkersville.

Margie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 11:20am
Welcome to the board, Chris. I send my condolences on your pregnancy losses. I myself have had 3 through the years. Although I felt sad and so very disappointed with each and every one, I began trying again with my next Dr. approved cycle, because that was the only way I could personally cope with the loss.

When I underwent infertility tx in 1996, my RE told me the chance of muliples at my age (36 then) were miniscule. He had only had a case or two of women in their late 30's/40's who conceived multiples on injectibles. Ladies, please correct me if I'm wrong. I'm not up-to-date on the latest IF news. But I do remember that is what I was told back then. I think the risk of multiples is with ladies in their 20's and early 30's. If I am correct, this would eliminate at least that particular concern.

I personally would go for it. Yes, you may have another mc, but the alternative is no more babies, or sibling for your child. I wish I was 41 (I'm now 44). I would be more aggressive than I am now. Your chances are much better. I say go for it, and use the coping skills you have learned with your previous losses. My M.D. told me after one of my losses (and I know there are those don't like to hear this but I am a nurse and know it is true) "It is nature's way of weeding out embryos that are incompatible with life. You would rather experience a mc now than cope with a child with problems later." I didn't like hearing it at the time, but I knew in my heart he spoke the truth. It helped me with subsequent losses to remember this. It is a cold, hard fact. I believe that depression is caused by our thought processes. If we change our thought processes, we can change the feelings that follow. I tried to see my miscarriages as "nature's way" and this helped in some small measure. Then I hopped back on the bandwagon (and have 3 children to show for it)!

I send my support and much baby dust. I understand about the "good life." But for me, each new child has enriched my life even more.

Keep us posted!

Julie




Edited 7/30/2004 11:33 am ET ET by southerngirl1959

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 2:27pm
Hi Margie -

Thanks for the kind words and understanding. I am also kicking myself for the time my dh and I took to work and live before starting a family - married 9/98 after 8 years of friendship and dating. I do recognize whole heartedly how lucky I am to have my dd. Especially after all of the problems I have had since then. While I try not to, sometimes I can't help thinking "if I had only started sooner". But, I am the queen of the "should have's" and "if only's". I have to say I am pretty good at beating up on myself. I'm working on that.

Last night my sister asked me if I had to decide right then what my decision would be. I told her at the time that I am changing my mind so fast that I would change it before I could get the words out of my mouth. Afterwards I realized that the two decisions I am really flipping back and forth between are TTC on our own and TTC with injectibles & IUI. Obviously I want to keep TTC. DH and I talked about last night and we are on the same page. We just need to decide how to proceed. I am also thinking my 42nd birthday would be my end date - mine is 4/05.

Thanks again for your support. I need to decide how I am going to proceed by the end of next week so that we can get the injectibles set up before my next cycle. I'm sure I'll be doing a lot of soul searching before then.

I look forward to sharing a successful quest with you!

Chris

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 2:42pm
Hi Julie -

Thanks for the kind words and support.

My DH and I have decided to keep TTC. My dd has enriched my life more than I ever thought possible, as you said. It could only get better with another.

We do need to decide still how to proceed. I do trust my RE when she says my chances for multiples with injectibles & IUI are 20%. She is a seasoned and well know dr. with Brigham & Women's hospital in Boston. Lot's of experience to draw on there. Also, I have read on the other websites of similar statistics. I think it is the combination of injectible with the IUI brings my chances up.

Now I will work on picking a path to follow. I look forward to sharing a SHORT journey to conception with each of you.

Chris


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2003
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 3:43pm

Chris sorry I didn't get around to answering this earlier.

Cathie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2003
Sat, 07-31-2004 - 7:01am
Chris: Sending you lots of positive thoughts, baby dust, and most importantly prayers. Hoping you are the next success story on this board!! Take good care.

Margie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
Sun, 08-08-2004 - 8:33am
Hey chris, i have had three miscarriages aug 2003 jan 2004 and july 2004.It has been hard but i am determined yet more . The missess were from trisomy. I am healthy , 43.I am considering donor eggs. I am still doing more ivf. I bounced back the last time quickly case i willed my self to becasue of the toll it was taking on my DH. Have you considered genetic testing or pgd so that the duds can be weeded out? I will do it this time!

Good luck!

Mary