1 year after miscarriage

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2004
1 year after miscarriage
Sat, 11-06-2004 - 9:25am

I don't even know where to start to be honest. A year ago tomorrow I found out I was pregnant at the age of 43. This was a first time for me and a shock to say the least. Once the shock was over I then began to feel happy about the idea and soon began to try and make plans. This was all too soon ended. 3 weeks after finding out about the pregnancy it was lost and I had a D & C.

Since then my husband and I tried for about the first 4 or 5 months to no avail and I've just simply given up hope.

Now a year later, it seems that all I can do is cry about it and I have this longing inside me, something that feels empty and I can't seem to shake this away. I know in my heart that what happened (meaning the pregnancy) should not have happened and it was just a fluke, but also in the same heart, I really wish it would and it hurts so much, so very much when I see other women in town who are pregnant, pushing prams or walking down the street with their little ones. I feel so cheated in life that sometimes I wish it had never happened to begin with. At least before I was happy in knowing that it wasn't possible and I could accept it. But now it's difficult for me to accept this again. It took so much out of me when I was younger to accept the fact since it never happened and now that it has I still feel cheated.

I know I must be rambling on but there is so much inside my head and it's difficult to talk to anyone about this. My husband is afraid to talk about it as he's 'afraid he'll upset me and there is no family or friends nearby to talk to . Thanks for listening and better luck to everyone else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2004
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 2:04pm

I read your story and it made me feel as I was not alone. I just turned 41 in October. I had a D & C in June 2003 due to the fetus not developing beyond 7 weeks. It killed me but at that time I felt as if I would be able to succeed again. I have one child (9)already and due to various reasons was not prepared to have a child until later in life. I had been trying for the lost pregancy for 9 months before becoming pregnant. Now though, after over a year of trying for another child, with visiting a fertility doctor for the past 6 months, I realize it is time to give up. The doctor stated that I have poor egg quality and that is most likely the reason I can not succeed. He did suggest IVF with doner eggs but I can not deal with that. I too cry continually. I can't let go of the feeling that I will never have this. It hurts to see people with there babies or expecting. I actually find myself getting quite resentful and angry. I am now looking into counselling, as I can't go on with these feelings any longer. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Although, God blessed me with one child (and I need to focus on what I do have) I can't stop feeling cheated that I did not have the family I wanted or dreamed of.

My prayers are with you. I hope that you can find comfort from those sad feelings soon...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 8:41am
Dear Ladies

I cried when I read your messages. I know how it is as well. I have spent all my life taking care of other people's children. My first marriage I took care of four children from two different relationships that my then husband had, and I had a foster son from birth to four years of age. When I finally met the man I thought I'd spend my life with, he turned out to be a monster who caused my pregnancy to end at 4 plus months. That was eight yeras ago and the memory is still as fresh for me. Since then I have been with the most fabulous man and have finally been able to feel happy again. We lost twins a couple of years ago and another baby some months ago. We are still trying. Each Christmas I make a special ornament for our tree that is for each child I lost. I also attend a special Christmas celebration in a nearby town, that does something similar and we all pray. We each find something in our hearts, even when we have to pull down so deep to find it that it hurts as though it were new all over again, but we do find ways to heal ourselves past the anger. When I stopped being angry, I began to feel better. I still cry. I still feel moments of hate when I think of the children that are born every day to people who treat them like dolls that turn out to be a living being they must actually care for day in and day out. I get sad when a family member has a child, I cry when I get my period, I almost hate to get to O day because I think it wont matter... period will come again. But you know what? The days are less that this happens to me, because I have realized God had made some plan for me, which I have yet to fulfill. I have a wonderful almost step daughter and am making plans to adopt early next year. I have known the magic of feeling life inside of me, and have counted it as a gift that no one can take away. I will pray for you both and please know, that no matter how empty your arms are, your heart has room to expand with love, not explode with remorse with regret.

God Bless You