40th birthday May 24
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|Thu, 05-06-2004 - 11:46pm|
I don't really know where to start. I am 39 and trying to conceive. My first pregnancy was identical twins and with great saddness, my one son passed away. My second pregnancy I gave birth to another healthy boy. That was at age 34. I don't know what happened from age 37 to now, but it was like a blink of an eye. I still want to have more children. I say that with complete compassion and prayers to those who have not known the joy of bringing a baby home yet. Some of my friends think I am just feeling the upcoming birthday too much and that I really don't want to have another baby, but I do. I cry when I see little girls because I miss not have one myself. I have extremely difficult pregnancies. I have to be hospitalized because I am so sick. I lose 20-25 pounds by the 20th week and never thought I would ever put myself through that again. But, I will.
Right now, my husband has been unemployed for 6 months. He doesn't want to have another baby. He is 43 and feels too old. He is a good father, but we have certainly had tremendous sorrow and struggle in our lives. He is afraid of more. At this point we have an agreement that he will not prevent a conception by using birth control, but he won't really try to conceive by having more than one or two nights of intercourse. Because of antidepressants that he is on, sometimes there isn't even an ejaculation. So, here I am approaching my 40th birthday and I have been praying for a pregnancy for the last 3 years when I blow those candles out. I feel so very sad about it. I am so grateful for my children. It has been the hardest thing in the world to bring them into this world. Because they are so special, that is why I know in my heart I am not done yet.
With tears in my eyes, I guess I am looking for support and education on what to do and how not to waste any more precious time. What are my chances if I only have one time a month to try? On mother's day, I will be able to see if I am pregnant now. I know we were together the same day I felt the ovulation pain in the morning. I don't know if that means I missed my chance or if my chances would be really good?
I have been saving frequent flyer miles for about 12 years and my husband and I are leaving next Wed for Hawaii. I want to talk more about this subject with him but am scared. I get so threatening in my head like saying to him, "I am going to leave you if you don't make this happen". But, how on earth would I get pregnant then! I just need him to know how much I want this and that I have stayed with him through so much. I need him to love me enough to realize that I am a stay at home mom, it is me taking care of them, I also homeschool. There isn't any burden on him except how sick I will get.
Please send your support and knowledge to me. Thank you.