Feeling, mmmmm, old

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Feeling, mmmmm, old
15
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 7:20am

Hi - I think I am need of some encouragement these days. I am 42, happily married and in a career I love. I am a mom of a nine year old child. I had a tubal ligation. Then I met HIM. Decided to reverse the tubal. Got pregegnant 3 months later. Miscarried at 12 weeks. Pregnant again in November - m/c at 6 weeks. Pregnant again this past February and you guessed it, m/c again. We have undergone all of the fertility testing at a clinic and are about to start an ovum donor program. Through this all, I have maintained an unwaivering belief that I want another child. But as time marches on (at the speed of sound), I am starting to think I am an absolute fool for wanting this at my age. I have been pregnant 3 times in one year and have to wonder if the m/c are simply the gods, godesses, or whomever telling me to smarten up. Am I fooling myself.

Honestly, I am experienceing a fair amount of depression over this right now. Could be all the hormonal changes, etc. All I know is I have become increasingly more lethargic, less wanting to be around people and sad and even angry.

My husband is very supportive and says and does all the right things. I think right now, he is overwhelmed by my emotional state (kind of out of character for me)

So, I thought I would reach out....

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 10:49am

First off, welcome. Secondly, I am sorry for all your losses. :-( I think it'd be unnatural if you DIDN'T feel sad and lethargic. How could you not after 3 losses in one year? The fact that you have been pregnant so often in a short amount of time is one thing your doctors will take into account when they treat you (IF you decide to pursure it). I could only get pregnant once a year and unfortunately miscarried once each year for the past three years. So, that sucks. I will tell you that my friend misarried twice before giving birth at the age of 43 so it can be done (it was all natural, no IVF or anything).

As for whether you should try to get pregnant again, I think you and DH need to talk about this. You shoudn't forge ahead if it will cause so much anxiety and sadness. And while a baby is something we all want, it's not something that should be pursued at the expense of everything else (like your health!). It sounds like you are married to a wonderful man and have a wonderful family.

If your depression worsens, I would recommend talking to someone (a doctor, therapist) about it who might be able to guide you along.

Again, I am so sorry for your losses and hope you feel MUCH better soon.

xxoo
Lois

  

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2004
Sat, 03-10-2007 - 6:09am

That is overwhelming.
I have had 5 pregnancies and 1 child to show for it. I'm 41, we are TTC#2.

I don't think you're a fool! But it does seem like you might want to take a break, even for a month, and not think about conception. Maybe try to get away for a few days, clear your mind... then you can take a fresh look at your desire for a child and what you're willing to do.

I think if we don't get pregnant soon, I may just accept it and move on. But that's a decision we all have to come to on our own.

Good luck,
Lydia

fall2009sig
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Sat, 03-10-2007 - 9:52am
Hi - thanks. We start our first IVF cycle in a couple of weeks for anonymous egg donation - got the donor picked out; the meds are ready to go, etc., etc. I think what I am looking for in here is some kind of validation that I am not crazy for wanting a baby at 42. I am not a fool, I guess. That it is okay to feel exhausted after 3 miscarriages. Most people don't know about the last 2 as we stayed quiet - unlike the first when we announced our pregnancy at 12 weeks only to miscarry after. Oh, that was so sad and hard. I want someone who understands the need to exhaust all avenues and to defy convention. Am I (or we) defying convention when wanting a baby at this age? I have turned to this board because I know of absolutely no-one in my world that is older and wants child.
Sled
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
Sat, 03-10-2007 - 1:46pm

Hi Sled,

I think you are not crazy and that you are completely normal. I am almost 45 and have been trying to get pregnant for the past 3-1/2 years. I didn't get married until later in life and that's when I wanted to have a baby--with my husband. Biology is so unfair to those of us who have waited. I think that giving it your all will make you feel better in the long run, regardless of the outcome. If you weren't doing all that you are doing now, I think you might regret it in the future wondering, "What if I had tried this sooner? Would it have worked?"

DH and I have gone the IUI and IVF route. For us, we've decided to stop all those 'cause they never worked for us. BUT, we are still trying to get pregnant on our own...when me and my eggs are almost 45. We're realisitic about the chances, but I don't want to be 50 or 55 wondering if I could've gotten pregnant at 45...Know what I mean? :-)

Almost all my friends got married later, due to school, careers etc. So almost everyone I know was rushing to beat the pregnancy deadline. Some have made it. Others my age and older haven't been as lucky.

Just so you know, I, too, have had 3 pregnancies (and no live births). I lost my last baby this past December when I was 17 weeks pregnant. We had just made the announcement to EVERYONE at 16 weeks 'cause we thought we were in the "safe" part of the pregnancy. The loss was heartbreaking and I miss my baby VERY much. So very much. But it does get more bearable with time...But it took a little while to work through whether we wanted to TTC again.

And again...you're not crazy. You're sad over your losses. There's a difference!

xxoo
Lois

  

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2007
Sat, 03-10-2007 - 3:13pm
I am 41 1/2 and was married in January. We've been TTC since then (c3 cd15 cross your fingers!). Though we haven't been trying very long, we were (and I still am to a certain extent) stuggling with the same questions. I found it helpful to my sanity to agree beforehand on the extent of treatment we (I) will undergo (drugs but not IVF and no donation) and the time "deadline" when we will look into other options such as adoption. So, no you are not crazy. But each couple's situation is different and you'll have to decide what works best for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
Sat, 03-10-2007 - 3:19pm

Sky, good luck! Maybe you'll get lucky this cycle! :-)

I agree--it was important that DH and I set a limit on how far we'd go on the IVF pursuit. We had always said 3x would be the magic #. (We had tried IUIs beforehand.) Ironically, the 3x I did manage to get pregnant were with no medical intervention.

GOOD LUCK!

  

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2004
Sun, 03-11-2007 - 6:00am

I validate you!

You are NOT crazy to want a baby. I do, but I am also getting exhusted. I don't think you are defying convention--our bodies (theoretically)still work... heck, look at some of the REALLY old women who have gotten pg!

This is a pep talk--do what you need to do and don't worry one bit about what others think!

Lydia

fall2009sig
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sun, 03-11-2007 - 11:24am

Sled,


WELCOME, WELCOME, WELCOME...


You have come to the right place as we are all over 40 and want a child...and if you are crazy then we all are too ! :-)


Seriously, with everything you have gone through, it would not be normal to NOT be depressed. I am 42 also, didn't get married until I was 38 not because I didn't want to but because I couldn't find a guy in Pittsburgh Pa that didn't live at home with his mother. I was in a lot of long term relationships and engaged 3 times but it just wasn't right...and then like you, I found HIM ! The love of my life. He was 40 and never married. We knew it would be tough but didn't know how tough. 2 m/c, 5 IUIs, 2 IVFs and 1 chemical pg later we are still trying.


I had a great response to my IVFs w/ 17/18 eggs retrieved and great quality embies put back in both times...but it didn't work. I have no idea why but we are not giving up. I want to experience the joy of pregnancy and give my DH a biological baby. There is nothing wrong with that. We will be great parents as I'm sure you both will be. I think we have so much to offer kids if we do have them later on in life. We are a very grounded couple...we are young at heart and when you look at either one of us we do not look 'old."


Currently we are still trying on our own AND looking at donor eggs (DE) w/ DH swimmers so we'll have a child w/ at least 1/2 half of our characteristics. Is this wrong when there are so many children in the world who need homes ? I don't think so. We are also looking at adoption but as bad as it sounds, it is not my first choice. I want to exhaust all avenues to give my DH a biological child before adopting.


Times have changed and women are having babies later in life and I think that will make us better mommies. I look at how I was in my mid 30s and how I am now. I am so much more mature now...in just the last 7 years. Keep in mind that you will be a great mom at any age. Unfortuneately our bodies don't realise this but our minds do. I get so depressed some days I want to scream. I know sometimes poor DH feels like a circus dog...."Honey we need to BD for the next week, every other day." but he's right there and is amazing !! Then that hag AF shows up and I just sob. It's a viscious cycle that has the ability to drive us mad if we let it !!!!!


You say that through this all you have maintained an unwavering belief that you want another child. Then hang on to that belief !!!!! Hang on TIGHT !!!! I am the same way about wanting my first. Not to get new agey on you but I believe that there is a soul (or two) that tried to get here with my first 2 m/c. It just didn't happen.....but it WILL ! They are waiting for me and I am waiting for them...it's just all in God's timing.


Just to let you know, I frequent the IVF board a lot. We just had two women age 42 and 44 get pg. One had totally given up and decided to remain childless...the other was on her way to do IVF #7.......all w/o the help of modern technology...so stay positive because it happens !!! BELIEVE that it will happen for you and screw the doctors that say we are too old !!!


I'm so glad that you found us here. Sorry I rambled so much ! Please continue to update us on your journey. There are GREAT ladies here....welcome !

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2005
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 7:43pm

Hi there!

It is easy to get discouraged by repeated MCs. Theyare hard on you physically and emotionally, and they can wear you down. I am sorry about these losses.

You have good support from DH - and that is great. Now all you need to do is decide if you are strong enough to go through it all again (the MC) if it comes to that. That is the question I as myself after 2 MCs in 2006. Am I strong enough and is my marriage strong enough to go through another pregnancy loss? For me and us, yes - strong enough at present. This could change over time and after repeated attempts. And every one has a different threshold for pregnancy losses. And it affects different people in different ways.

For you, and on top of these big life questions - it seems like you might be a bit clinically depressed. Maybe a full check up and blood work would be a good idea for your general health and well being. (I hope I'm not overstepping here, if so - sorry.)

Libby

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2005
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 8:05pm

I was 40 and 8 months old when my husband had his vasectomy reversed. I know the feeling of time marching on.We finally concieved when I was 42 and 8 months old and I delivered at 43.I am 44 now and have not been using any birth control since the baby. I would love for him to have someone to grow up with. Keep the faith.You are not the only woman your age wanting a baby. There are thousands of us and many more suceeding!!

Good Luck,

TLC

We

Pages