Having difficult time today
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| Wed, 03-18-2009 - 10:09am |
I am having a very bad day today. Nothing has happened, other than the fact I am really losing it, emotionally, about this TTC thing.
It is consuming me.
Ever since we started the TTC process two weeks ago, it is all I can think of. Not that I wasn't thinking about it before, but suddenly, with the info about my 14.4 FSH number, it is completely real and scary and I'm losing hope. I feel like I am grasping at straws to come up with positive news about my biological clock's state, and it's not working today. I'm a mess.
I feel bad feeling this way, as I already have DD6, but as she grows up before me I just long for just one more baby. And it hurts. I am beating myself up: Why did I wait so long? Why didn't I take better care of myself, lose weight, eat better, etc? Why does this matter so much? Why do I feel like less of a mother because I only have one child? Will my only one suffer because I focus so much on her alone, and she will have no siblings when she is older and needs support? Why haven't I been more financially savvy to save money for IVF?
I am a mess today. And I feel horrible about it, since I know I am stressing and I know that is not good. How do I keep positive and keep hope, without getting down when each month goes by and no BFP? It is very difficult.
I guess I'm not looking for advice, but just needed to get this out today and off my chest. Thanks for reading.
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Hi Kellie,
I'm sorry you're feeling down.
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Susan V
Susan CB
Susan CB
Kellie,
I am so sorry you are feeling so down.
Jessica
Me - 44, DH-47Â Â Â Â Â
Â
So sorry you're feeling down Kellie. Feel free to vent anytime. We all have days like this too and we know how you feel. Hope you feel better soon :)
Sending
     Leeann  Â
Kind supportive words mean the world to me. Thank you all!
My poor DH heard it on the phone today; I called him and bawled even though he couldn't really say anything at work. I told him I just needed to vent and he understood. After I talked to him, I got the mail, which include a letter from the RE to my OB that he copied to me. It stated the reasons for my infertility so I got to read the lovely words in black and white: "diminished ovarian reserve." So lovely. Like I needed another reminder about my dinosaur eggs!
After I posted, I went for a walk with the dog around the block. Then I did about 5 minutes of yoga, ate lunch, tried to work some more (I work from home) and ran errands before picking up DD from school. I was better, although I had a few moments in the car when I thought I was going to lose it again. Don't know why today is such a bad day, but for some reason it is...
I had to stop at my mom's to pick up something before I got DD, and my mom was in one of the sobby moods too -- she was having a bad day as well, so maybe it's something in the air. I wouldn't mind, it's a beautiful spring day, but I can't enjoy it because I'm so busy with so many other things.
Tomorrow is my IVF info session with my hubby. Everything is happening so fast because my RE is trying to get in one IVF session before my May birthday. Maybe that is why I'm freaking out. I am so regretting not getting to the RE sooner because I may have had time to do IUI and IVF with coverage and not pay out of pocket. It's really not fair that my 40th birthday is the cut-off -- it should at least, at least, be through
I know EXACTLY how you feel, Kellie.
Hi y'all! I had been debating whether or not I was going to post today about feeling stressed and down about TTC#1. After hearing about Paula's(?) recent good news (though happy for her!) I was anxious to get my own BFP. AF is due Friday and I have a sinking feeling that she will show up! But then I also feel guilty for being down, b/c this is really my 1st official month (charting & such) trying. I know that many of you ladies have been trying to get through months and years. It's hard not to fantasize that "you" will be one of the lucky ladies to get a BFP right away. I have "seen" alot of support and comfort on this board and very glad to have you guys to hear me and everyone else out. It's easy to feel lonely and misunderstood by those around us, even though they are trying to be supportive. Though I think charting is a great way to learn about your body and cycle, it also can lead to obsessing about daily temps and AF and symptoms, etc. I almost miss the ignorant days when despite the anxiety, it wasn't focused on a particular day.
Anyway, hang in there Kellie! You are NOT alone!
Alex
Alex
Me 42,
I'm sorry Kellie that today was not a good day for you or your mom.
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