Having difficult time today
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|Wed, 03-18-2009 - 10:09am|
I am having a very bad day today. Nothing has happened, other than the fact I am really losing it, emotionally, about this TTC thing.
It is consuming me.
Ever since we started the TTC process two weeks ago, it is all I can think of. Not that I wasn't thinking about it before, but suddenly, with the info about my 14.4 FSH number, it is completely real and scary and I'm losing hope. I feel like I am grasping at straws to come up with positive news about my biological clock's state, and it's not working today. I'm a mess.
I feel bad feeling this way, as I already have DD6, but as she grows up before me I just long for just one more baby. And it hurts. I am beating myself up: Why did I wait so long? Why didn't I take better care of myself, lose weight, eat better, etc? Why does this matter so much? Why do I feel like less of a mother because I only have one child? Will my only one suffer because I focus so much on her alone, and she will have no siblings when she is older and needs support? Why haven't I been more financially savvy to save money for IVF?
I am a mess today. And I feel horrible about it, since I know I am stressing and I know that is not good. How do I keep positive and keep hope, without getting down when each month goes by and no BFP? It is very difficult.
I guess I'm not looking for advice, but just needed to get this out today and off my chest. Thanks for reading.