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|Fri, 06-15-2007 - 10:20pm|
Hi, I am new to ivillage in general really. My name is Lisa, I am going to be 40 in three weeks (although I like to call it 29 for the 12th time). I found my soul mate & married him at 37. At 38, we started trying.
Got preg after 6 months, then had m/c at 11 weeks. Found out at my first u/s. I saw the baby & it was soooo cool. Then the dr said I'm sorry but there is no heartbeat. My own heart sunk. I didn't expect it. Hell, I SAW the baby... I didn't know what to look for with the heart beating. I was just numb for the first day, had a D&C. Finally broke down after another day or so.
Tried again & got preg after 6 months, but m/c at 12 weeks. I was doing fine, had 2 early u/s and all was well, heard and saw a heartbeat. But had spotting at Christmas, turned to more like a period and cramping. Woke up with such bad cramps at 2am & went on the couch, to not wake DH. Fell asleep & awoke to it being expelled out of my body. Hate to be graphic but it was devastating. The couch to the bathroom looked like a crime scene. I was unable to get out of the bathroom for 2 hres, even though I kept trying to get up and go clean up before my DH or dog awoke. I was embarrassed and horrified. Emotions at that time are just independent of rational thought. That was December 28.
In March, our 5 yr old dog suddenly got terribly sick (cancer) & we had to let him go. For those of you with animals, you know. It was devastating. Our dog was the one thing that kept me sane, that cuddled on the couch with me when I got home from work, he needed me & I took care of him, he was a great listener. He was endlessly cute and quirky (basset hound) and so very loved by my husband and me. This made the m/c seem so much worse. I asked God why am I not allowed to take care of anything? I am still trying to get over my dog's death.
We are back to TTC now, and turning 40 in July used to be a good thing. That was my old due date. Now I have to face being 40 with no baby & it's hard. I should get my period Monday and have some hope maybe I am P...? But I felt some cramps the other day that I really can't deny.
We've sent out invitations for our very first party... for my 40th b-day. My husband is not home tonight & I sat out on the back step praying to God & just talking it out. On one hand I have an awesome life, my husband is my life & we have so much fun together. Being blessed with a baby would be awesome. But I had to wait through a few bad or insignificant relationships along with periods of self doubt or lonliness before I met him & that gave me the background to appreciate my DH completly. Maybe we just had to wait through a couple failed pregnancies & that somehow we will appreciate the miracle of life in a way we couldn't without this loss. I hope so. Gosh I am sorry I went on for this long... hopefully if someone is just bored out there I gave you something to read for a couple minutes! :) I think I will like this board, just reading other past posts was therapeutic. Thanks everyone, and good luck to us all! Lisa