iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2010
Fri, 05-07-2010 - 2:42pm

Hi everyone,

I'm new here. I will be 40 in July, hubby is 46. I miscarried 8 yrs ago with ex-h.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2004
Wed, 05-19-2010 - 4:03pm

Hi Marie and welcome to the board. While my situation is completely different I can still relate to your frustration. I wanted kids since before I was married almost 23 years ago, but DH wanted them 'sometime in the future'. Since I was not ovulating on my own, there were no real worries about conceiving. Finally he decided that while he still wasn't sure he was ready for kids, he wasn't opposed to me starting to seek treatment. By the time I had gone through enough to the point where I was actually able to conceive, he had come around and finally wanted one almost as much as I did. We now have four children, two assisted by meds, one adopted, and one natural. Since our youngest, I have wanted another, but he really didn't, so I did not push it, just kept him informed as to where I was at in my cycle. I did not ever want him to think that I had tricked him. I ended up conceiving twice, but lost them both. After the second one he was 'okay' with me trying, but wasn't totally on board with it. I waited a couple of months trying to talk him into it. Finally he was enough 'okay' with it to be more supportive of me. Then just over a month ago we had a brief bfp, and he then shared that he now really wants another and was sad when that one was lost too.

For me, at this point, I really needed his support to go through this. TTCing is not always easy, especially at our age. (I am 45, DH is 46) I don't know what I would have done though if he had not come around years ago. I think it would have caused a few problems along the way. You seem to have good communication with your husband, I would suggest that you keep talking about it. Not harping on it, but discuss with him how you feel, how important it is to you. Find a word picture that will help him to really get it. Men don't usually have the same kind of desire for children that women have, so that combined with the fact that he already has children, I suspect a large part of it is that he simply does not truly understand how important it is to you right now.

Discussing it may not change how either of you feel, but it will certainly help you both to understand the other one more. In the event that he does not change his mind and you are then left to deal with your feelings, it is critical that he understands what that will mean. Just as going off of BC and getting pregnant without his support would likely cause him to be resentful of you, there is the risk that if he refuses you may become resentful of him. You are blessed that you do at least have the avenue of the grandchildren to pour your love into, but I know it is not the same. Just keep talking and keeping your relationship strong, and the rest will eventually fall into place, one way or the other. I think that I would ask him not to talk about it with anyone but you though, it should be a decision made between the two or you without the influence of others around you, particularly parents. After all, whichever way things go it will affect the two of you much more than anyone else.


Loving Mom to three


Loving Mom to three rambunctious 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2004
Wed, 05-12-2010 - 10:32pm


I don't know how you can get rid of a desire to have a child.

When I was 37, I was in a relationship with a man who wanted to marry me. However when it got that serious, we discussed children, and he did not want children right away due to the stress of his job and didn't know if he ever would. I knew I wanted to start trying as soon as I married because of my age. We loved eachother, but decided that there was nothing to do but break up, because even if I was willing to consider giving up having a child, the resentment against him for depriving me of that would always be there.

It was very hard to do. But 4 months after we broke up, I met my husband. On our first date we talked about what we wanted. We both wanted marriage, and kids if possible (I didn't know if I could, due to my age, but I wanted to try, including IVF if need be. He was OK with however that worked out). We started trying right after the wedding, when I was 38. As it turns out, unbeknownst to either of us, my DH had MFI. I NEVER considered for a second leaving him for that, I never resented him for it, and we tried, and tried, and tried, including years of fertility treatments and finally, donor sperm. As it turns out, I had issues with repeated miscarriages myself. Some of which may have been due to MFI but not all. After a difficult 3 1/2 years of trying all sorts of treatments, and 7 losses, we are now 24w pregnant via IUI. My DH's sperm had an unexplained improvement that month, and we also did a second IUI with donor sperm as back up. We don't know which the DNA came from and we don't think about it much. We are both just so thrilled to be having a child, and he is so excited to be a daddy. I'll have just turned 42 when our first child is born.

Many women can have babies at 40 or later, though it may not be quick or easy. It's probably not too late for you to have a child. But there are no guarantees. In this situation it sounds like this desire has become clear to you only after you married, which while it is what it is, is not really fair to your DH (though telling you a week before the wedding is not much notice and wasn't really fair to you either...though it was probably something you should have brought up earlier if you thought you might want kids). You can try to convince your DH to try, or at least to stop using protection and let nature take its course one way or the other, but he may not agree. If that's the case, you need to decide what is more important to you, your marriage (a bird in the hand) or trying to have a child, either alone or hoping to meet someone quickly and try (no guarantees at all there). In my case I took the second route, but then I knew clearly how important having a child was to me before marriage, and I was willing to take that risk just to have the chance at meeting someone and having a child (I did not want to do it alone). It paid off for me, it was 100% the right choice (in terms of the man I ended up marrying, even if we hadn't been able to have kids), but it may not be the right choice for you. Only you can decide that.

You might want to get your fsh tested on CD 3. If it is high, it might tell you that it really is just too late, and give you peace with the decision to stay with your DH and not try. If it's low, you need to think about whether you would want to have a child on your own, and if not, if hoping to meet Mr Right again quickly is worth giving up what you already have. If your relationship with your DH is really wonderful (besides the difference in wants over kids) and you think it will last a lifetime, it may not be worth giving up for a maybe baby. Another thing to consider is that right now, you already have a family with kids in your life that you can enjoy (as a step-grandma). It may not be everything you hope for, in terms of having your own child, but those relationships can be wonderful, and may be able to fulfill your need to be with kids. It may be enough.

- Jenna, 41, DH 38 TTC since September '06 with MFI. 3 failed unmedicated IUI's with DH sperm, 1 failed IUI with injects with DH sperm, IVF #1 BFN, FET BFP but M/c week 5, IVF#2 BFP m/c week 7, IUI with injects and donor sperm: probable chemical pg. 1 failed unmedicated DS/IUI. Started BCP's 7/30 for IVF #3, ER 9/10, ET 9/15, Beta 9/24 results 9/25. BFP, Twins. Lost 1st twin at 9-10 weeks, lost second twin at 16 weeks 12/17/08. Attempted IUI #4 converted to DS/DH IUI April 09 at my request, BFP and M/c. IVF #4 June 09 BFN. DS-IUI w/injects 7/6/09, BFN. Hysteroscopic myomectomy to remove fibroid 7/29/09.Unmedicated DS-IUI 9/09, BFN. DS-IUI with injects, 10/09, BFP and M/C. DH/DS-IUI with injects and HGH, 12/6. BFP! Betas: 12dpo 12/18 58, 14 dpo 12/20 157, 16dpo 12/22 379, 22 dpo 12/28 4,002

- Jenna
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2007
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 10:04am

Marie, I've been thinking about your dilemma for a couple of days. Of course, it's a decision only you can make. But if you're happy with your marriage, and feel you have to choose between DH and a baby... I'd recommend sticking with DH.

My own DH has been ambivalent about the whole TTC thing. He feels a little baited-and-switched, I think, because for years we'd BOTH not wanted children. I also keep moving the goalposts. I swore we'd give up when I turned 40, but changed my mind. I swore we'd never do IVF, but again -- changed my mind. I swore if IVF didn't work the first time, that would be it. And here we are, thinking about giving it another shot.

I'm very lucky to have had a happy marriage to an excellent man for the past 13.5 years. And I am worried about the effect a baby would have on us. Maybe my maternal desires aren't as strong as others', but if I had to pick between my marriage and a child, I'd totally go with the marriage. It's quite possible I'm in the minority here, though.

Another thing to consider: at 40 -- and I hate to say this -- it's not that easy to get PG. There's no guarantee that you'd be able to have a child with someone other than DH. Just something to think about.

As for how to get rid of the feelings of wanting a child -- I'll let you know when I figure that one out! :)

I'm not sure if this helps or not -- just my two cents. Hang in there -- I am rooting for you to be happy whatever decision you make.

Susan CB

TTC #1 at age (gulp) 42

June 2008: m/c

April 2010: IVF #1 -- chemical pregnancy

Possible IVF #2 in June 2010; awaiting RE consult

Susan CB

Avatar for Cmmelissa
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Mon, 05-10-2010 - 2:13pm
(((HUGS))) Marie, it's a really hard choice to make, and I agree with the others that keeping the lines of communication open with your husband is very important.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2009
Sat, 05-08-2010 - 5:03pm
Hey Marie - nothing is crazy ; ) but no, not an R...

~ Jodi ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2010
Sat, 05-08-2010 - 10:21am


I know this is completely off topic and crazy, but does your last name start with an R?


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2009
Sat, 05-08-2010 - 1:02am

Oh wow, that is a hard one...

~ Jodi ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2008
Fri, 05-07-2010 - 11:44pm

Marie, it is hard to know what to say because I can read the desire for a child in your words, but I completely understand the need to respect the wishes of your DH.


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2007
Fri, 05-07-2010 - 7:23pm

Hi Marie!!



Susan V

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2008
Fri, 05-07-2010 - 3:52pm

Hi Marie,

Welcome to the site.