TTC at 43

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2004
TTC at 43
14
Fri, 04-09-2004 - 3:10pm
Hi everyone,

I am new to the board and have a ton of questions! I have read through some of the messages posted here and really appreciate the level of honesty, goodwill and support among the community of women out there. It is really wonderful to share information in this way.

A little about me: I am currently in a 5 year relationship with a man who has had a hard time committing based on traumas he has suffered from his own parents relationship. I have gotten pregnant 3 times by him (where we were not trying) and each time has ended in a mc. The last mc was last February at 10 weeks. The fetus just died. I am very healthy and have always been my whole life (I practice yoga almost daily and people tell me I look 25! I have good genes). I did have some recent blood tests come back with an FSH level of 7 but my progesterone levels were very low. I am now applying progesterone cream in the last part of my cycle. My cycle runs regularly every 28 or 29 days.

My boyfriend tells me he is just not ready to have a family and is basically asking me to wait but I am concerned about time obviously and am considering maybe just doing this prg thing on my own.

As I am concerned about keeping my fertility and have some questions:

1.) Does anyone know if it is possible to freeze ones eggs when one is over 40? And if so how do you go about doing it? And is it effective? Has anyone on this board done it and then gone on to conceive?

2.) Can anyone recommend an re that is also open to alternative treatments and isn't so harsh in his/her judgements?

3.) Are there any other recommendations anyone can make in regard to my situation. I am thinking of just going ahead and trying to get prg anyway. Are there any other single women out there who are TTC #1 and don't have a committed partner. I am considering just doing it on my own.

thanks again,

Jadu

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2004
In reply to: jadu77
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 1:46pm
Jadu,

Your questions rang true for me so I thought I'd share my thoughts on the commitment subject. I am 41 (turn 42 next month) and have wanted a baby for about 10 years. Unfortunately I had been in uncommitted or new relationships and the topic of having a baby never came up for real.

A year and a half ago I got married to man who is 7 years younger than I am. He was not at all ready for a baby. I waited for a few months only to realize that I was becoming totally obsessed with the idea of having a baby (it didn't help that 11 of my close friends were pregnant!) We talked a few more times about babies and he always said he wasn't ready. Finally last November I told him (as tears were streaming down my face) that I couldn't stop thinking about it, I was getting older by the minute and that I felt that I would resent him for the rest of my life if I couldn't even try to get pregnant. Well, that was how I felt and thought he should know. He finally got the message of how important it was and reluctantly said ok to discontinuing birth control.

Long story short, I got pregnant beginning of this year, diagnosed with blighted ovum at 8 weeks and had a d & c. Now that we've been through that false start he seems much more committed and ready to try again. I think what it took was an honest conversation about my feelings and my age. Sure women have babies into their late 40's and even into their 50's but it does get more challenging. At 43 he needs to know that it's now or never for the two of you. Like it or not waiting is not a suitable option. Last piece of advice - if after talking to him he still says no, realize that if you do it on your own it doesn't guarantee his committment.

Good luck with it all. After you talk to him, I'd love to hear how it goes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2004
In reply to: jadu77
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 5:44pm
Hi there Linda,

I just sent you a direct email about the birthday thing and yoga.

Regarding the tipped uterus, my midwife shared with me a wonderful technique that is know as Mayan Uterine Massage. Dr. Rosita Arvigo is a writer/healer/doctor who has been travelling the world sharing this technique with women to "realign" themselves. It is a very intense massage you can do on yourself that involves deep upwards strokes. If you search the internet you will find several websites about it. I have been doing it for a little while but haven't been back to my midwife to see if there has been any change. One of the things that makes sense to me is the idea of the deep massage and bringing energy into that area of the body. The Chinese would call it bringing "chi" into the area which I am certain can have positive effects in every way on our uterine health.

I am someone who favors natural over anything else but I am open to assisted reproductive medicine. That is one reason why I just got new health insurance so that I can see an RE and see what they have to say about my miscarriages and my numbers. I did have comprehensive blood tests done in January (by my midwife) and she said everything looked good. My FSH number was pretty low and the estrogen was OK, just my progesterone was too low so I have been using a progesterone cream in the second part of my cycle.

Combining alternative with traditional medicine as long as it yields positive results is fine by me!

Thanks again for your encouragement!

PS: You know whats really funny? I have been calling my boyfriend a dh because I thought the term dh referred to "Designated Hitter"! But it is Dear Husband from what I read in the abbreviations. (I love baseball)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
In reply to: jadu77
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 11:53am
Hi Jadu,

Wow, you just sent me an email a few days ago (you are december 7 baby and I'm december 8). And now I see that you also have a tipped uterus!! I, too, have been told my uterus is tipped, and one doc said it could potentially be an issue, the other said it was fine. I have been thinking also of getting some type of massage in order to "re-align" myself.

As far as IVF, I am 42 and have already done two IUIs with injectible medications. My dh and I are waiting the next few months to re-group and get our finances in order so we can move forward with an IVF. We are lucky in that our insurance covers a lot of these procedures (up to $15,000 lifetime maximum). So far with the two IUIs and injectibles we have spent a little over $3,000. The injectible medication is really a large part of the expense. Insurance covers 50% of the medications and 90% of the procedures (we have blue cross).

We considered doing another IUI, but decided to go with an IVF in order to cover as much as we can with the insurance and to give ourselves a higher percentage of conceiving.

I agree with others..... there is no time like the present. You will never be completely financially secure, a relationship is never absolutely perfect, etc., etc. Meaning, there may never be the perfect time. You need to make this decision for yourself and move forward with what you want out of life. Period. No regrets!

Hope you are well today.

Linda

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2003
In reply to: jadu77
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 10:04pm
Jadu,

I'll write you about my experiences (probably tomorrow evening). I hope it will be of help. In the meantime, all the best with your decision and with trying on your own!

Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2004
In reply to: jadu77
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 10:32am
I would love the names of those two RE's. you can email me direct at kalyaniforyoga@yahoo.com.

I so much appreciate your words of encouragement.

best to you too,

Jadu

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2003
In reply to: jadu77
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 10:28pm
Dear Jadu,

Thanks for your message. I am also in NYC, and if you like I can e-mail you my contact information so I can tell you about the two REs I've seen so far. Let me know if you are interested.

I am also considering going to Julia Indichova's seminar; apparently you can join a support group after attending one seminar.

I really feel for you in your situation. The main reason I did not start TTC until last summer (and did not get medical help until October) was the instability of my marriage and financial worries. But, the "perfect time" will likely never come, and I am glad we did get started.

All the best to you. I feel it is quite likely you get pg just doing what you are doing, but you are smart to get all the proper tests done just in case!

Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2004
In reply to: jadu77
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 6:34pm
Hi Lisa,

You are amazingly brave having gone through everything you describe! As I said in an earlier post I met a most amazing woman in the hospital who had gone through over 12 m/cs and then went on to have a succesful prg and healthy baby. Then she had another baby. She told me to never give up. I say that to you too. YOu have been through far too much. Julia I. from the book "inconceivable" is also an incredible inspiration to me. I think we just have to really be as positive as possible and keep doing the things that will increase the likelihood of conceiving. Julia did a combination of things but it seems to me she also relaxed as well. I have a feeling that worry and regret are not our best friends. God knows I have my share of regrets but I know that today is a new day and that many things are possible especially with a good outlook.

I do agree with you about the $$$ and that it is never necessarily the "right" time. I just know with all my heart that I was meant to be a mother and that no matter what, even if I have to raise a child on my own and work 2 jobs, that I would be an amazing mother. It is such a gift to carry a life and then raise that child and I have never been more ready for that!

I hope you resolve your health issues and stay as healthy and happy as possible! Someone told me that being happy makes a huge difference on our health and I am sure on the possibility of conceiving.

much happiness and baby dust to you,

Jadu

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2003
In reply to: jadu77
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 6:08pm
Hi Jadu,

I am glad to see you are going for it!!! I feel the same way. I really feel a family is most important. IVF will increase your odds. Many ins will cover it but most of them will only cover up to 3 cycles for life and it is expensive without coverage. It could be $10,000-$15,000 with the drugs and all. It depends on where you live because some states have passed a law that ins has to cover it while other states have not done that yet. I will be praying you can get it covered. As far as the FSH test, it has to be done on day 2 or 3 of your cycle in order to be accurate. Your best bet right now is to get all the tests done and this why you know the best course of action for you.

I think it is a great idea to educate you man on this. I tried with my DH and he didn't listen and is now sorry that we have gone through all of this. We have been TTC #1 for 3 years, had 2 IUI's, 2 IVF's, and 2 M/C's. We both have good health in our families and I have women in my family that had healthy children in their 40's. I was also worried about finances and felt as your man does about having enough financial stability to raise a child in a good neighborhood and give them what they need. People told me that if you wait for the right time it will never come. They were right because I abused my body terribly for 6 years working 90 hours a week, sleeping only 3 hours a night and eating on the run, all to get enough $$. I thought I could handle it and was doing the right thing. 2 weeks after all our bills were paid off and we had $$ in the bank I fell in the street while photographing a house for work. There was unmarked road construction and I broke my leg so badly that I have had 2 surgeries so far & it is still not right. I was out of work for 4 months and went right back into debt, so all that hard work to be financially stable was for nothing. You just never know. Not only that but because I was not taking care of my health, only my $$, I now have other health problems. 2 hernited discs in my back from heavy lifting at work, the leg problem, a high insulin level that also causes extreme fatigue from eating on the run all those years and weight gain that just won't come down even though I have been working out and dieting for 4 month now.

Sometime you just have to go for it and worry about what happens later. We really don't have as much control over our future as we think we do.

Hope this helps.

Lisa
Lilypie Baby Days
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2004
In reply to: jadu77
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 5:26pm
Hi Lisa,

Wow. Thank you so much for your reply. I have to say that when I read the 3 replies I burst into tears, it is such an emotional feeling to know that there are women like yourself who is generous enough to share personal stories that are inspiring and to really put it all out there.

YOu raised some very important questions. I have done a tremendous amount of soul searching and realize that I would not be happy if I didn't have a child of my own. Hey, I know some women who are fine with it and truly don't mind. I really want a family more than anything. Ideally I have always wanted 2 or at the most 3.

You are right that to put this off is a decision to not have children. I think I need to have a long conversation with my dh and really try educate him about the situation. He has always been of the belief that I was different and that I could get prg anytime. He is concerned that we don't have a stable enough relationship to bring a child into the world and that I need to get my life more in order. (Which means mainly my finances). But by the time that happens it may indeed be to late.

I have already started trying to go for it on my own so to speak, inotherwords just having unprotected intercourse as often as possible around fertile days, and nothing has happened so far (it has been 2 months of that). A friend of mine told me about a woman who was 42 and did ivf combined with sperm washing and she got prg very quickly this way. Have you guys tried that yet? I am thinking i might want to do the same, but if I go for that, for sure my dh will have to agree to it. On the other hand I have also considered going for it really on my own (with a donor) and actually have found two people who would act as a donor and agree not to have anything to do with the child, but I really only want to do that as a last resort.

Does insurance cover any part of ivf? If not how much does it cost and what are the determining factors were a doctor to recommend it?

I don't have fibroids but my uterus is tipped. I was taught the Mayan uterine massage which i have been doing. I don't know if it has worked yet because I cannot go to my midwife until my insurance has kicked in again, but she swears by it. It is supposed to put the uterus back in the right position. However i have been to several doctors in my life who have said that having a tipped uterus doesn't necessarily mean anything.

My last bloodwork was done in January (the tests showed low FSH which is good and low progesterone. It was the 11th day of my cycle so maybe that is OK???)

Thanks for the information about Alan Beer. And again thank you sooo much for sharing your story with me. It has truly helped me tremendously!

My prayers are with you too,

All the best to you,

Jadu




iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2004
In reply to: jadu77
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 5:03pm
Dear Lisa,

Thanks for your reply to my post. Wow, I can totally relate to the anxiety you are feeling. I thank you for the recommendation of the book "Inconceivable" which is really great. Since I live in NYC I am thinking of trying to meet her.

The thing about deciding not to wait is a little tricky. Because it does take two to tango especially if the woman might need a little help from technology. I don't know yet whether I will need help because we haven't actively started going for it. But I have a feeling I might need ivf or something. I am in the process of getting insurance. Haven't had it in a year, and once I have it I will continue with my testing. I know that REs test quite regularly to find out what is really going on with the hormones. I guess I am not sure if I should just give my dh an ultimatum but I really love him and don't want to be with anyone else. I wouldn't mind doing it alone but as I said I still need him to tango with me! Which he has been doing but I think I need his full cooperation if we need to go the ivf route.

thanks!

Jadu

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