Want another but scared

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2009
Want another but scared
7
Mon, 04-26-2010 - 2:37am

Just wondering, are you all 100 percent gung-ho about TTC ? I am 47 and I keep hearing from my OB/GYN and other people who "care" about me, that I am risking having a baby that will make me a caretaker for life b/c of developmental issues, chromosomal abnormalities, etc...

I will say this, if I were to conceive and things were going fine, I would get a amnio, like I did when I was pregnant for my son at 45. So, I would know about that stuff BEFORE the birth.

But, I am hearing horror stories about women dying in childbirth at older ages. I have a 20 month old that will depend on me being around for a while. I cannot die !! LOL

I have also been told that I am selfish; only thinking about my wants and needs. Anyone else been told that? They say, "Your child will be without parents when he is raising his own. Do you want that for him or her?"

Then, I went to a work conference the other day and met women from all over the country at lunch. I was telling the group of ladies that I had a son that was 20 mos. old and that I had him at 45 (naturally - oopsie baby). They all looked at me like I was crazy. One even said, "Poor you! There goes your retirement for his college."

The one that made me think was a woman who said her mother had her sister at 42 and her at 44. She said she loved her parents dearly and that they were good parents. But, she cautioned that her mother died at 81 and never got to see her kids grow up. She said her kids were too little and don't really remember her. She said I only got 37 yrs. with my mom. Then, she got tears in her eyes.

I said, "So you don't think people should have children in their 40's? She said, "Children, even grown children need to have parents in their lives." She said, "I got married late at 36 and she never got to see me live out my life. I am now 52. I have a sister and that is all the family I have left. Your son will be left with no one when you are gone."

Guess I am just having medical and emotional second thoughts. Will I end up regretting it if I am to have another? Will my child/children feel the same way this woman did? Is it selfish of us to want to do this and not consider the child? HELP....

Rachelle

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2009
Mon, 04-26-2010 - 7:54am
I worry about everything! but you could be 20 and get in a car accident.

~ Jodi ~


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2008
Mon, 04-26-2010 - 4:50pm

Rachelle, I am 44 and pg with my first.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2004
Mon, 04-26-2010 - 5:44pm

Rachelle, I agree with Ruth, it is your life and you need to do what is right for you. There are definitely no guarantees in life, but we cannot live our lives in fear of what might be either. Look at it this way, if you do have another, then your 20 month old son would have a sibling close to his own age, and that alone I think is worth something. I am 45 and I do struggle with this issue frequently, but have decided that what will be will be and if we don't have any more then I need to accept that, and if we do have another then others will need to accept that! I also worry about the developmental issue, but again, I have decided that if that is what God has for us then He will also give us the strength we need to care for that child. I do still worry though. ;-)

Since I am the youngest in my family and then faced infertility for many years, even my oldest children likely won't have any grandparents by the time they get to their 20s, unlike my nieces and nephews who are already there. It does make me sad, but there is little I can do about that. I have already lost my Dad, and I expect it won't be that long before we lose more. I really don't think you are being selfish at all, I think the people who say these things just have a very narrow view of how things should be when it comes to having children.

Michelle


Loving Mom to three

Michelle


Loving Mom to three rambunctious 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2009
Mon, 04-26-2010 - 5:52pm

Rachelle,
My mom died at 71 of pancreas cancer. Some people die in their 50s from heart attacks. I had a roommate die at 39 from cancer. NO ONE KNOWS when they're going to die. So, that lady's comments were really silly.

That said, I would say that you should be super healthy if you do decide to get pregnant. And, odds are against you. Also remember that people are much more healthy and have access to much more sophisticated medicine than 30-40 years ago.

I say stop agonizing and just try it out and see if you can even get pregnant.

hope that helps, martha

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2004
Mon, 04-26-2010 - 7:29pm

No one wants to lose their parents, ever. I bet if you had asked this woman, "Do you wish you Mom never had you" she would of course say no. Because really, that is the option.

I have friends who have lost their parents at very young ages. In fact my own Dad lost his biological father when very young to a trucking accident. he is an only child, too. You never know what will happen. I do think though, that as an older parent, you do have an added responsibility to your children to take good care of your own health...don't smoke or take other unnecessary health risks, don't drink to excess, exercise, eat right, etc. So you can live healthy as long as possible. If you have another child, they will not be "all alone" when you are gone...siblings help.

As for defects, there is a high risk at age 47. If termination after poor prenatal diagnosis is not an option for you, you should think carefully about whether it is worth this risk- how it would affect you, your marriage, your other children, and the child's own suffering. If you give birth at age 48, your risk for all trisomies at birth is 1 in 10. Now that's a 90% chance of a chromosomally normal baby, but a 10% risk is nothing to sneeze at.

http://downsyndrome.about.com/od/diagnosingdownsyndrome/a/Matagechart.htm

Any pregnancy carries a small risk of maternal death, at any age, even with good maternal care. As for your own health, if you are in good health (normal blood pressure, no diabetes, etc.), and your doc doesn't forsee a high risk of dangerous complications, I wouldn't worry too much about this, except to take extra good care of your health/diet while pg, and to get great prenatal care. Most complications can be treated. Though if you would not terminate a pregnancy even to save your own life, then perhaps having another child is not a good idea for your existing little one.

- Jenna, 41, DH 38 TTC since September '06 with MFI. 3 failed unmedicated IUI's with DH sperm, 1 failed IUI with injects with DH sperm, IVF #1 BFN, FET BFP but M/c week 5, IVF#2 BFP m/c week 7, IUI with injects and donor sperm: probable chemical pg. 1 failed unmedicated DS/IUI. Started BCP's 7/30 for IVF #3, ER 9/10, ET 9/15, Beta 9/24 results 9/25. BFP, Twins. Lost 1st twin at 9-10 weeks, lost second twin at 16 weeks 12/17/08. Attempted IUI #4 converted to DS/DH IUI April 09 at my request, BFP and M/c. IVF #4 June 09 BFN. DS-IUI w/injects 7/6/09, BFN. Hysteroscopic myomectomy to remove fibroid 7/29/09.Unmedicated DS-IUI 9/09, BFN. DS-IUI with injects, 10/09, BFP and M/C. DH/DS-IUI with injects and HGH, 12/6. BFP! Betas: 12dpo 12/18 58, 14 dpo 12/20 157, 16dpo 12/22 379, 22 dpo 12/28 4,002



pregnancy
- Jenna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 05-14-2010 - 1:22am
Well, I look at this differently. I think it's very unselfish to want your 20 month old to have a sibling. One day when you are gone, your child will still have a brother or sister to call family. Like pp's said, it may be in 5 years or in 55 years but at least your child will still have family.
I literally lose sleep over this (hence this post at 1:20 AM!). My daughter (7) is an only and DH and I are in our mid 40s. I am not sure whether *I* want another but I would love for her to have a sibling. It makes me so sad when I see the close bond her friends have with their siblings. I wish I could give that to her but I'm just not sure I'm up to the job!
Good luck!
Florida
Florida
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2007
Fri, 05-14-2010 - 8:34am
I agree w/ everyone's post and Debbie's most of all.
 


 


Susan V