What do you say to crude questions?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2007
What do you say to crude questions?
14
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 5:41pm

Just anticipating the crude questions that will come towards me for having a 5th child. Was this planned? Don't you know where they come from? How did you get pregnant when you are always co-sleeping? etc. Anyone with lots of babies know that you are going to get rude questions and what do you say? We have a family reunion this year and that is prime place for those. We got them with #3 and #4 as well. I feel like asking something equally none of my business back but I'm looking for a dignified approach. Anyone?

And along these same lines. How do you show others that baby #4 or more should be equally celebrated. With #4 I didn't even get a congratulations just the crude comments and my sister who is pregnant with #2 is doted on. I'm not jealous of her-- just sad. We always throw our own baby shower for our own kids and family and let the siblings paint my belly, decorate with streamers, eat cake and then I have pictures for the baby album. I know this sounds petty(and this is my first day of posting. Yikes) but in my baby#4's album the place for gifts was empty because we didn't even get many cards.

Excited to join all of you,
Erin

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Sat, 03-31-2007 - 1:20am

Erin, I have 6 kids and I've gotten lots of comments. The few people that know we are ttc think we're certifiable! The most common one I think is "You have your hands full." At least I'm never bored and I won't be lonely when I'm old because I should have lots of grandchildren. Some people can be so rude. I think some aren't trying to be rude but are just trying to make conversation and they end up sticking their foot in their mouth. With your family, I would try to show how excited you are about having a large family. If they keep pushing it, maybe say that you are not telling them how many kids they should have and it's a personal decision to be made by each family and not anyone else. Whether a baby is planned or not or how it was conceived is none of their business! Good luck!

You should check out the "Tons of Kids" board here. It's really a great bunch of women to talk to for advice or just knowing that you're not the only one that these things happen to. A while back we had a thread about all the comments we hear and the comebacks - it was hysterical. Things like "Are they all yours? No, I always take everybody else's kids shopping with me. or Yes they are and so is this one in my belly."

Désirée, mom to Steven, Juliana, Andrew, Carina, Michaela, and Daniel, ages 19 to 4, and all homebirthed - Hoping for a tiebreaker soon!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2005
Sat, 03-31-2007 - 9:40am

I would say that the correct response is:

"How is that any of your business?"

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
Sat, 03-31-2007 - 3:34pm

If you're going to take the high road...how about just a sweet and simple, "Of course this baby was planned. We've always wanted to have a large family and are so blessed to have gotten our wish."

If you want to snark it up a little, you could always add, "It's too bad you can't have any more kids..." :-) That will make the defensive and they'll say, "I CAN have more kids. I just chose not to." And then you say, "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you didn't like babies..."

:-)

But that might lead to World War III...so you're probably better off taking the high road. Just remember there's nothing wrong with pointing out to people when they're being rude. If they hurt your feelings, TELL them that they're being hurtful and not supportive...

About baby showers...I don't know what the proper etiquette is. But everyone I know throws baby showers for a woman's first baby. It's not that they're trying to be mean and say that the other babies don't matter--of course they do! But a lot of first-time parents don't have everything they need (strollers, basinet, clothes, diapers, bottles etc.) for a newborn, but by the time the second or third are born, they've got it down pretty well. I would've been one of a handful of women delivering babies this year, but they would've only thrown a shower for me 'cause I don't have any children (and they all do). As it is, I miscarried so no party for me.

I say if you can, try not to feel neglected by the attention your sister's getting. Throw your own party and invite the people you'd like to attend (or not!) and celebrate your pregnancy. There are thousands of us who are completely envious of you and wouldn't ask you any rude questions ... other than how'd you do it?!!! :-)

Have a good weekend!

xxoo
Lois

  

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Sat, 03-31-2007 - 4:17pm
I commend you for trying for #5. I had my fifth baby last May at age 42. I got all sorts of rude comments after baby #4, but I found that after the fifth, no one had much to say. I guess they got it all out of their systems. Now I am hoping for #6 at age 43. After my last baby, my parents and my in-laws both offered to pay for my husbands surgery (excuse me??? He's not having one!) to prevent any more babies. Now how's that for crude? Just be encouraged and try to surround yourself with others who celebrate children!
Carol

Carol, mom to 7

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2005
Sat, 03-31-2007 - 7:01pm

Wow, that's both crude and very, very rude.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sat, 03-31-2007 - 11:28pm

Congrats to you on having your big family ! You are very blessed!


As far as how insensitive people are, it will never cease to amaze me.


You could take the nice approach and say " Of course it was planned. We are thrilled !"


or the evil side of you could come out and you could sarcastically say "Heck no it wasn't planned. I never should have slept with the milk man !" OR give them this wide eyed innocent look and say "You mean there's something I could have done to prevent this?"


People can be just plain stupid when they don't mean to be. When I was telling my sister about my 2 IVFs she said well, you're 41 years old. You're too old and you should just give it up....yep, and she has 4 kids...last one born when she was 39.


So, while I am rambling and may not have any good advice to add...I wish you much joy in your heart as you build your family. There are others who would love to be in your place. To have a child is a blessing, to have even more than that is a gift.


Just my 2 cents.....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 1:09pm

Just say, with shining eyes, "I knew you'd be happy for us."

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 2:20pm

LOL! What a perfect response!!!

Lois
p.s. How are you doing?

  

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2007
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 2:59pm

Thanks for all the great comments. I, too, would have as many babies as I could. Unfortunately menopause will hit at some point. Your responses were hysterical. I do hear that one "boy you sure are busy!" ALL the time. Then when they find out I homeschool they really think I'm nuts. I have been so blessed and I will be in prayer for all of you, as well. I've never had problems getting pregnant(although my body has been wierd and I'm not taking it for granted that it will just happen right away and at some point I will have to have a last child) But for those who are having challenges getting pg I can't imagine the pain!! I've had 2 miscarriages and that is the only thing I think might come close to the pain.

Thanks for the support,
Erin

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2007
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 3:10pm

I am so sorry about your miscarriage. I will pray for you. I have had two myself and there are no words that really lessen the pain. Sorry.

Erin

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