will I ever conceive?
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|Thu, 05-31-2007 - 12:06pm|
Well, here I am, shortly before my 42nd bday, feeling the clock ticking wanna-have-a-baby-more-than-ever pressure. I am in the best relationship of my life, but it is only 6 months old, and my partner already has a beautiful little girl from another relationship with a 40-year-old. So, from his perspective, it will be easy to get pregnant and we shouldn't rush. That being said, we aren't using birth control, so it's not like he would be unhappy if we got pregnant. He is just not in a place yet where he is interested in doing all he can (IVF) to make it happen. And my doctor has basically said without it, I most likely will not conceive. (I have never been pregnant.)
So, I am so sad, because I feel like this window of opportunity is closing (if it hasn't already), yet I am loving the man I am with and this relationship, so am also trying to imagine my life without ever being a mom. Handling the bond he has with the mother of his daughter. The pangs of jealousy. Feeling so incredibly old and incompetant. Why can't this be easy? "Natural"? I know for us we would not want to use a donor egg. But now I am even having a hard time envisioning the daily injections and the run to the office scenario - so clinical and unromantic. And I am not even sure if my partner will ever get to a place where he would be interested in that. And I feel like if I bring it up, he is feeling pressured and uncomfortable. But what about the pressure I feel?
Sorry this is so rambly. I am just feeling lost and am so grateful to be able to "talk" to someone about it! xxoo