Heartbroken

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2008
Heartbroken
14
Fri, 09-07-2012 - 2:44pm

Heartbroken is the best word I can think to describe how I feel right now. 

I posted this on my Inspire journal too thus all the extra explanation I know you girls don't need, but I can't bring myself to go through it again to adjust.  Please apologize for the extra details.  I guess there was a reason why I didn't do IVF this time because now I question whether I should....read on....

At the end of May after finding out about our ectopic with DS IVF, DH quit smoking and quit one of his psoriatic arthritis drugs that may have been causing an issue with his count.  His 0 count has unknown origins and he does sometimes have sperm just not when we need it, thus using donor sperm on last IVF.  He had a flare last month with his arthritis but still didn't restart the extra drug (he still takes a monthly shot for it but not the daily supporting drug since it has known sperm issues in rats), then he flared again this month and he can barely walk, he needs that drug to see if that will help with the flare.  So we figured its been 3 months now hopefully he will show some improvement.  Today he had an SA with freezing if they found anything.  As long as I have DH's sperm I dont care if its fresh or frozen, but at first I was upset about this. They said to call this afternoon for results.  I called at 12:08.  My heart raced...I thought about praying again but thought it was too late for that.  The results...zero.  I repeated to make sure I heard right...they found none?  That's right, they didn't find anything. They did a spin to make sure and still nothing. 

My heart fell and shattered.

You would think I would have taken it better since I already heard this news once before.  But the stopping smoking and stopped medicine gave me renewed hope.  I really could have a baby that was a mix of the two of us.  I was looking forward to it.  I was hoping for at least 10 sperm...that's all i wanted 10. Last time I had less eggs than that so I figured 10 would be enough and even if i had to buy donor sperm back up at least some of my eggs could be mixed with DH's.  I was happy and excited.  I was mad when my period fell a few days too late to do IVF this cycle but now I'm glad it didn't. 

I don't know if I want to go through IVF again. I was only doing it again with the prospect of DH's sperm.  There is nothing 'wrong' with me diagnostically there is no reason IUI shouldn't work and we did try 2 IUIs with donor sperm but felt they were never timed right and we feared multiples.  We did IVF in hopes it would be our best chance and it was...it worked! but it was ectopic.  :smileysad:  When I cried about the loss, DH made me feel better about it by saying we'd do it again and this time we'd use his sperm.  So I was happy.  I even thought how much MORE distraught I'd be if this was DH's baby and not a DS baby when I got the ectopic news.  Don't get me wrong it was horrible and it saddened me but just the mere thought of it being DH's baby was just unimaginably worse in my mind. 

Now I don't know what to do.  I don't have to make a decision right now.  We can't cycle IVF until the November/December uptime so I just need to make a decision by the end of October.  Thing is I don't care about MY genetics.  My family is crazy for the most part and I rarely if ever see them anymore.  DH's family is loving and funny and caring and overall just wonderful.  That is what I want.  I know its nature and NURTURE and our child would likely pick up many of those traits from his father and his family, but I'm just saying I'm not invested in passing on my genes so why go to such extremes to do so with IVF again?  sigh.

But then what do I do?  Do I do IUIs again? They are costly with donor sperm and low chance of success and risk of multiples. But its less painful physically and less cost if it works within a few more cycles.

Do I look into embryo donation?  This I would gladly accept and do this but its actually cheaper for me to do IVF with OE because we have 80% insurance coverage.

Also if we do IVF again now would be the best time. My deductible is more than paid for this year with the other IVF so it is essentially $1000 cheaper than it was last time and $1000 cheaper than waiting until next year or another year.  Also I am only 31.  The older I get the more likely I will begin to have issues on my end as well.

Or do we start saving for adoption?

Or do we just accept our fate and live childless?  I often worry especially when DH flares that there is no way I could take care of a child in addition to caring for my husband.  He is on disability and while part of the month he is 'okay' but still very limited mobility wise long term (for instance we went to Disney but he used a scooter and he still had some issues), but sometimes he is so bad he can't get up and around without help.  So I work all day, come home, take care of the house, prepare and clean up meals, take care of him (rub him, help him dress, shower, put on topical medications,etc) and then maybe there will be a little time left over for me to relax and wonder how on earth I could take care of a baby on top of this.  But then when he's feeling better he helps me around the house and helps with meals and can take care of himself and its these times I think what a wonderful father he will be and how its so unfair we don't have a child yet.  Right now he's flaring so I'm bias towards the wondering how on earth I could care for a child too mindset so that doesn't help this issue or maybe it does.

I feel like I've given up so much already for this child though I am not sure I'm ready to give up.  I stayed at my job because of the infertility coverage then if I get pregnant I would stay for the maternity leave coverage (which is unpaid but since I've been here over 12 months I will have full FMLA benefits).  My job is not in my field of study but its easy and pays okay (more than min wage anyway).  When I leave work I don't worry about it or think about.  I can focus on my husband and family when I'm not at work.  I went to graduate school to be a school counselor to help children reach their full potential and be the best they can be.  I accepted the fact I would never be this but was okay with the fact because at least i would have my own kids and that would make me happy. That said, I've never given up a job opportunity there simply weren't any available and they all wanted teachers for the open jobs even though its not legally required but that's what the schools want.  I tried working in social services with kids but it was much too stressful emotionally for me.  But my point is I gave up that dream because I thought I would have kids of my own and that would be enough.  I've since tried to change my focus to maybe college aged kids but again I stayed at my current job for the benefits.  I also need to find a job that pays at least as well as my current one since I am the primary income for our household.  I can't take a low paying job in education or social services or something that could lead to something higher paying later.  So here I sit a secretary with a master's degree and no children.  I guess I could refocus my career and try for something better but not with children that would be too hard. 

My husband sometimes wonders why I don't leave him.  He even asked me that last night, truth is I love him. I can't imagine life without him.  In the past I'd say no children was a deal breaker for me but now I don't know.  He is open to donor sperm and to adoption so we can still have children just not how I want.  I seem to be the one with issues with it.  Emotional issues with donor sperm and financial issues with adoption as well as emotional ones. I don't think I'm ready for adoption and its ups and downs either emotionally. 

This is a really long ramble but any thoughts and fresh perspective would be appreciated.  If nothing else thanks for reading....

Elizabeth (31) DH (36) TTC #1 since July 2008

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Registered: 01-18-2008
Fri, 09-07-2012 - 8:33pm

I'm so sorry, Elizabeth.  I was really hopeful for you that the combination of being off meds and lifestyle changes would make a difference.  As for what to do next, I would go for another IVF since you've already paid your deductible, and you would still get to experience pregnancy(which you wouldn't be able to with adoption).  I know you said that you have one of DH's swimmers on ice.  I don't kow if you remember this story, but it can happen with just one. Maybe you can use your DH's for one of your eggs and DS for the rest, and go from there.

http://todayhealth.today.com/_news/2012/01/20/10191182-miracle-baby-born-from-single-frozen-sperm?lite

I'm glad you have a little time before you have to make any decisions.  I'm sure you'll make the right decision when the time comes.

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2011
Sat, 09-08-2012 - 1:22am
((((hugs))))Elizabeth I am so sorry about the 0 count. You've already been through so much, and I understand why you are having trouble deciding the next steps. It's important to take time to process everything before you make any major decisions.
I quit my teaching job with the same idea- that having kids would be enough for me and I wouldn't "need" teaching. I even planned on doing homeschooling. It's so lame and unfair and I am truly sorry you know exactly how bad it feels.
I think that all ttc-ers (even the fertile ones) have moments of worry- those "can I really fit a baby into my life" moments. I'd go with how I feel on the good days.

Britty  & DH (both 30) TTC since late 2008

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2008
Sat, 09-08-2012 - 4:35pm
I'm so sorry Elizabeth {{{HUGS}}} I was hoping that with all the great changes your DH has made there would be some good results from this SA. It's understandable how conflicted you are about such a tough decision. And it sucks that you and your DH are in this position. When there are no "right" answers it seems the hardest to make the call. I think when you've had time to recover from this blow your heart will tell you which way to go. Good luck!!!

Caryn
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2009
Sat, 09-08-2012 - 5:29pm
I am so sorry Elizabeth. (((((hugs)))))

I understand completely everything you have said and I feel your pain everyday. It is hard and it sucks. My husband has a 0 sperm count and is also disabled with psoriatic arthritis. It is so difficult everyday. I work a lot in order to be able to take care of us for the same reason as you. I cook, clean, run all the errands and take care of him. We can't do much because of his mobility. We sit home most weekends because of his feet. I think that same thing, "why do I think I should have a child...I can barely keep up with what I have to take care of now, how will I be able to add a child to the mix."

Again, I understand and I am so sorry.

Lori




iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2008
Sat, 09-08-2012 - 6:03pm

Thanks all.  Yesterrday was rough.

I haven't 100% decided what to do but I decided to take IUIs out of my list of options. Last time I did IUIs it took 6 months for 2 tries because the meds made me ovulate really early...like day 7 or 8 and then my lining wasn't good that early because my period lasts 4 days or so...so that's only 3-4 days of growth so obviously it was bad and the one RE wanted me to try some different drugs and actually suggested IVF to me as an option too. I have short cycles naturally but its not as short as when I'm on Femara/Clomid. (my clinic is several REs not just one and the IUI 'clinic' is a separate set from the IVF 'clinic' so she didnt realize that is what we originally had planned when DH got zeros). So thinking I will have to deal with that again and since IUI doc was already suggesting IVF I guess we should just stick with IVF for me. Now I just have to wrap my head around donor sperm again or trying childfree.

Though the more I think about childfree while it seems like a logical choice it doesn't fit right emotionally. DH and I were watching cartoons this morning (yes we do that lol) and laughing like idiots over stupid stuff. Honestly I just love children too. I looked at some childfree sites and many of the ladies there just honestly don't like children and I realize not everyone who is childfree dislikes children but it would sure be helpful if I didn't love them so much. lol  

Also you all know I love Dumbo and with the recent visit to Disney world I often have very Disney dreams lately. This morning I had a dream that was like the beginning of the movie Dumbo where everyone is getting their babies but me but then all of a sudden Dumbo comes down to me and he is so sweet and cute and I caught and hugged him. Then I woke up happy. I then went and got the stuffed Dumbo I got at Disney and he's been with me all day. My DH thinks I'm nutty, but I love Dumbo and he makes me happy. :smileyhappy:

Elizabeth (31) DH (36) TTC #1 since July 2008

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2008
Sat, 09-08-2012 - 10:52pm
I forgot to mention the sweetest thing my DH said the other day when I was upset and crying about wanting to have HIS baby. He said i will be HIS baby. Just because it didn't come from his wiener (yes he said that term) it was still his baby. :smileyhappy: Such a sweetie.

But tonight he took some percocet and is talking about how he's not a man because he has no sperm and no job. :smileysad: I feel so bad for him. I just keep telling him I love him and I'd never leave him and I don't know what I'd do without him.

I've decided to look at some donor sperm and see if I find someone better than before. Maybe if I find the 'perfect' donor I will feel more comfortable with it. So far we've just used guys who were 'good enough'.

Elizabeth (31) DH (36) TTC #1 since July 2008

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2011
Sat, 09-08-2012 - 11:57pm
Poor dh. It is very sweet what he said about it still being his baby. Sometimes I forget how hard this is on the guys. My DH isn't very talkative about his emotions (well, he is good at being grouchy lol), so sometimes I forget that he is experiencing the same disappointment I am.
Hopefully the "perfect" donor is out there and you will find him.

Britty  & DH (both 30) TTC since late 2008

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2008
Sun, 09-09-2012 - 3:54pm
The word weiner just makes me laugh =) Your DH sounds like a very sweet and caring man. Hope he finds a way to make peace with all of this...it can be SO hard on the male ego...sounds like you're doing a great job at letting him know you love him and don't think less of him.

Caryn
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2008
Mon, 09-10-2012 - 9:32am
Caryn- I think his word choice was used to make me laugh. He has a way of making me laugh even when i'm crying so I'm sure that is why he chose that terminilogy.

I love him so much!

I looked a little bit at donors this weekend but found nothing yet. We really want a clean health history which I havent been able to find except the two guys we've used so far. Those guys have the health thing but I don't think they look much like DH. Sigh. Hopefully we'll find someone....

Elizabeth (31) DH (36) TTC #1 since July 2008

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2008
Mon, 09-10-2012 - 11:53am
This journey either builds a marriage up or tears it down...sound like we know which side you're on =) Good luck finding the perfect donor, he has to be out there somewhere!

Caryn

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