Find a Conversation
|Fri, 09-07-2012 - 2:44pm|
Heartbroken is the best word I can think to describe how I feel right now.
I posted this on my Inspire journal too thus all the extra explanation I know you girls don't need, but I can't bring myself to go through it again to adjust. Please apologize for the extra details. I guess there was a reason why I didn't do IVF this time because now I question whether I should....read on....
At the end of May after finding out about our ectopic with DS IVF, DH quit smoking and quit one of his psoriatic arthritis drugs that may have been causing an issue with his count. His 0 count has unknown origins and he does sometimes have sperm just not when we need it, thus using donor sperm on last IVF. He had a flare last month with his arthritis but still didn't restart the extra drug (he still takes a monthly shot for it but not the daily supporting drug since it has known sperm issues in rats), then he flared again this month and he can barely walk, he needs that drug to see if that will help with the flare. So we figured its been 3 months now hopefully he will show some improvement. Today he had an SA with freezing if they found anything. As long as I have DH's sperm I dont care if its fresh or frozen, but at first I was upset about this. They said to call this afternoon for results. I called at 12:08. My heart raced...I thought about praying again but thought it was too late for that. The results...zero. I repeated to make sure I heard right...they found none? That's right, they didn't find anything. They did a spin to make sure and still nothing.
My heart fell and shattered.
You would think I would have taken it better since I already heard this news once before. But the stopping smoking and stopped medicine gave me renewed hope. I really could have a baby that was a mix of the two of us. I was looking forward to it. I was hoping for at least 10 sperm...that's all i wanted 10. Last time I had less eggs than that so I figured 10 would be enough and even if i had to buy donor sperm back up at least some of my eggs could be mixed with DH's. I was happy and excited. I was mad when my period fell a few days too late to do IVF this cycle but now I'm glad it didn't.
I don't know if I want to go through IVF again. I was only doing it again with the prospect of DH's sperm. There is nothing 'wrong' with me diagnostically there is no reason IUI shouldn't work and we did try 2 IUIs with donor sperm but felt they were never timed right and we feared multiples. We did IVF in hopes it would be our best chance and it was...it worked! but it was ectopic. When I cried about the loss, DH made me feel better about it by saying we'd do it again and this time we'd use his sperm. So I was happy. I even thought how much MORE distraught I'd be if this was DH's baby and not a DS baby when I got the ectopic news. Don't get me wrong it was horrible and it saddened me but just the mere thought of it being DH's baby was just unimaginably worse in my mind.
Now I don't know what to do. I don't have to make a decision right now. We can't cycle IVF until the November/December uptime so I just need to make a decision by the end of October. Thing is I don't care about MY genetics. My family is crazy for the most part and I rarely if ever see them anymore. DH's family is loving and funny and caring and overall just wonderful. That is what I want. I know its nature and NURTURE and our child would likely pick up many of those traits from his father and his family, but I'm just saying I'm not invested in passing on my genes so why go to such extremes to do so with IVF again? sigh.
But then what do I do? Do I do IUIs again? They are costly with donor sperm and low chance of success and risk of multiples. But its less painful physically and less cost if it works within a few more cycles.
Do I look into embryo donation? This I would gladly accept and do this but its actually cheaper for me to do IVF with OE because we have 80% insurance coverage.
Also if we do IVF again now would be the best time. My deductible is more than paid for this year with the other IVF so it is essentially $1000 cheaper than it was last time and $1000 cheaper than waiting until next year or another year. Also I am only 31. The older I get the more likely I will begin to have issues on my end as well.
Or do we start saving for adoption?
Or do we just accept our fate and live childless? I often worry especially when DH flares that there is no way I could take care of a child in addition to caring for my husband. He is on disability and while part of the month he is 'okay' but still very limited mobility wise long term (for instance we went to Disney but he used a scooter and he still had some issues), but sometimes he is so bad he can't get up and around without help. So I work all day, come home, take care of the house, prepare and clean up meals, take care of him (rub him, help him dress, shower, put on topical medications,etc) and then maybe there will be a little time left over for me to relax and wonder how on earth I could take care of a baby on top of this. But then when he's feeling better he helps me around the house and helps with meals and can take care of himself and its these times I think what a wonderful father he will be and how its so unfair we don't have a child yet. Right now he's flaring so I'm bias towards the wondering how on earth I could care for a child too mindset so that doesn't help this issue or maybe it does.
I feel like I've given up so much already for this child though I am not sure I'm ready to give up. I stayed at my job because of the infertility coverage then if I get pregnant I would stay for the maternity leave coverage (which is unpaid but since I've been here over 12 months I will have full FMLA benefits). My job is not in my field of study but its easy and pays okay (more than min wage anyway). When I leave work I don't worry about it or think about. I can focus on my husband and family when I'm not at work. I went to graduate school to be a school counselor to help children reach their full potential and be the best they can be. I accepted the fact I would never be this but was okay with the fact because at least i would have my own kids and that would make me happy. That said, I've never given up a job opportunity there simply weren't any available and they all wanted teachers for the open jobs even though its not legally required but that's what the schools want. I tried working in social services with kids but it was much too stressful emotionally for me. But my point is I gave up that dream because I thought I would have kids of my own and that would be enough. I've since tried to change my focus to maybe college aged kids but again I stayed at my current job for the benefits. I also need to find a job that pays at least as well as my current one since I am the primary income for our household. I can't take a low paying job in education or social services or something that could lead to something higher paying later. So here I sit a secretary with a master's degree and no children. I guess I could refocus my career and try for something better but not with children that would be too hard.
My husband sometimes wonders why I don't leave him. He even asked me that last night, truth is I love him. I can't imagine life without him. In the past I'd say no children was a deal breaker for me but now I don't know. He is open to donor sperm and to adoption so we can still have children just not how I want. I seem to be the one with issues with it. Emotional issues with donor sperm and financial issues with adoption as well as emotional ones. I don't think I'm ready for adoption and its ups and downs either emotionally.
This is a really long ramble but any thoughts and fresh perspective would be appreciated. If nothing else thanks for reading....