Heartbroken

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2008
Heartbroken
14
Fri, 09-07-2012 - 2:44pm

Heartbroken is the best word I can think to describe how I feel right now. 

I posted this on my Inspire journal too thus all the extra explanation I know you girls don't need, but I can't bring myself to go through it again to adjust.  Please apologize for the extra details.  I guess there was a reason why I didn't do IVF this time because now I question whether I should....read on....

At the end of May after finding out about our ectopic with DS IVF, DH quit smoking and quit one of his psoriatic arthritis drugs that may have been causing an issue with his count.  His 0 count has unknown origins and he does sometimes have sperm just not when we need it, thus using donor sperm on last IVF.  He had a flare last month with his arthritis but still didn't restart the extra drug (he still takes a monthly shot for it but not the daily supporting drug since it has known sperm issues in rats), then he flared again this month and he can barely walk, he needs that drug to see if that will help with the flare.  So we figured its been 3 months now hopefully he will show some improvement.  Today he had an SA with freezing if they found anything.  As long as I have DH's sperm I dont care if its fresh or frozen, but at first I was upset about this. They said to call this afternoon for results.  I called at 12:08.  My heart raced...I thought about praying again but thought it was too late for that.  The results...zero.  I repeated to make sure I heard right...they found none?  That's right, they didn't find anything. They did a spin to make sure and still nothing. 

My heart fell and shattered.

You would think I would have taken it better since I already heard this news once before.  But the stopping smoking and stopped medicine gave me renewed hope.  I really could have a baby that was a mix of the two of us.  I was looking forward to it.  I was hoping for at least 10 sperm...that's all i wanted 10. Last time I had less eggs than that so I figured 10 would be enough and even if i had to buy donor sperm back up at least some of my eggs could be mixed with DH's.  I was happy and excited.  I was mad when my period fell a few days too late to do IVF this cycle but now I'm glad it didn't. 

I don't know if I want to go through IVF again. I was only doing it again with the prospect of DH's sperm.  There is nothing 'wrong' with me diagnostically there is no reason IUI shouldn't work and we did try 2 IUIs with donor sperm but felt they were never timed right and we feared multiples.  We did IVF in hopes it would be our best chance and it was...it worked! but it was ectopic.  :smileysad:  When I cried about the loss, DH made me feel better about it by saying we'd do it again and this time we'd use his sperm.  So I was happy.  I even thought how much MORE distraught I'd be if this was DH's baby and not a DS baby when I got the ectopic news.  Don't get me wrong it was horrible and it saddened me but just the mere thought of it being DH's baby was just unimaginably worse in my mind. 

Now I don't know what to do.  I don't have to make a decision right now.  We can't cycle IVF until the November/December uptime so I just need to make a decision by the end of October.  Thing is I don't care about MY genetics.  My family is crazy for the most part and I rarely if ever see them anymore.  DH's family is loving and funny and caring and overall just wonderful.  That is what I want.  I know its nature and NURTURE and our child would likely pick up many of those traits from his father and his family, but I'm just saying I'm not invested in passing on my genes so why go to such extremes to do so with IVF again?  sigh.

But then what do I do?  Do I do IUIs again? They are costly with donor sperm and low chance of success and risk of multiples. But its less painful physically and less cost if it works within a few more cycles.

Do I look into embryo donation?  This I would gladly accept and do this but its actually cheaper for me to do IVF with OE because we have 80% insurance coverage.

Also if we do IVF again now would be the best time. My deductible is more than paid for this year with the other IVF so it is essentially $1000 cheaper than it was last time and $1000 cheaper than waiting until next year or another year.  Also I am only 31.  The older I get the more likely I will begin to have issues on my end as well.

Or do we start saving for adoption?

Or do we just accept our fate and live childless?  I often worry especially when DH flares that there is no way I could take care of a child in addition to caring for my husband.  He is on disability and while part of the month he is 'okay' but still very limited mobility wise long term (for instance we went to Disney but he used a scooter and he still had some issues), but sometimes he is so bad he can't get up and around without help.  So I work all day, come home, take care of the house, prepare and clean up meals, take care of him (rub him, help him dress, shower, put on topical medications,etc) and then maybe there will be a little time left over for me to relax and wonder how on earth I could take care of a baby on top of this.  But then when he's feeling better he helps me around the house and helps with meals and can take care of himself and its these times I think what a wonderful father he will be and how its so unfair we don't have a child yet.  Right now he's flaring so I'm bias towards the wondering how on earth I could care for a child too mindset so that doesn't help this issue or maybe it does.

I feel like I've given up so much already for this child though I am not sure I'm ready to give up.  I stayed at my job because of the infertility coverage then if I get pregnant I would stay for the maternity leave coverage (which is unpaid but since I've been here over 12 months I will have full FMLA benefits).  My job is not in my field of study but its easy and pays okay (more than min wage anyway).  When I leave work I don't worry about it or think about.  I can focus on my husband and family when I'm not at work.  I went to graduate school to be a school counselor to help children reach their full potential and be the best they can be.  I accepted the fact I would never be this but was okay with the fact because at least i would have my own kids and that would make me happy. That said, I've never given up a job opportunity there simply weren't any available and they all wanted teachers for the open jobs even though its not legally required but that's what the schools want.  I tried working in social services with kids but it was much too stressful emotionally for me.  But my point is I gave up that dream because I thought I would have kids of my own and that would be enough.  I've since tried to change my focus to maybe college aged kids but again I stayed at my current job for the benefits.  I also need to find a job that pays at least as well as my current one since I am the primary income for our household.  I can't take a low paying job in education or social services or something that could lead to something higher paying later.  So here I sit a secretary with a master's degree and no children.  I guess I could refocus my career and try for something better but not with children that would be too hard. 

My husband sometimes wonders why I don't leave him.  He even asked me that last night, truth is I love him. I can't imagine life without him.  In the past I'd say no children was a deal breaker for me but now I don't know.  He is open to donor sperm and to adoption so we can still have children just not how I want.  I seem to be the one with issues with it.  Emotional issues with donor sperm and financial issues with adoption as well as emotional ones. I don't think I'm ready for adoption and its ups and downs either emotionally. 

This is a really long ramble but any thoughts and fresh perspective would be appreciated.  If nothing else thanks for reading....

Elizabeth (31) DH (36) TTC #1 since July 2008

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2008
Mon, 09-10-2012 - 1:52pm

We've made a decision!

It was partially due to what Christina posted...I had seen it before but I hadn't thought about that one sperm surviving the thaw and I've been mad about them freezing it and charging us since they did it.  But as that story showed one sperm is enough.  So I thought about it all weekend and finally asked DH if we could use his one sperm.  They got it while he was on his medication but the urologist said if the meds caused issues they just wouldn't fertilize, it would be that type of error.  Apparently it showed decreased fertilization rates in rats not abnormal rats.  So with that said.  Even though its highly unlikely the sperm will survive and if it does there is a chance it won't fertilize I am willing to go through IVF for that 1 in a million chance!  I will likely be disappointed when i learn it doesnt survive the thaw or doesn't fertilize my egg but at least we tried.

DH went off his meds for 3 months and when I try to apologize he said the pain was worth it for the chance that we'd get something.  We didn't but it was worth it for the chance.  I will have keep that mindset.  :smileyhappy:

Also I am going to keep searching for the 'perfect' donor.  No one will be as perfect as DH but I want to get as close as possible.  :smileyhappy:   Sperm is sent next day air anyway so we have lots of time to decide. 

:smileyhappy: 

Elizabeth (31) DH (36) TTC #1 since July 2008

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2008
Tue, 09-11-2012 - 1:25pm

==== Please disregard my siggy.. i don't know how to remove it from a post.

 

 

elizabeth.. I was just lurking and saw your post.  I say go for another IVF.. your deductible is paid and your chances of it working are high.  I know it hard to keep going.   As far as the DS goes, i was on the other end of things with donor eggs.. After 3 failed IVFs and 4 cancelled cycles, i knew that donor eggs would be the best option for us.  Dh on the other hand was like you, he wanted a child that was mine and his.  For me the genetics were no big deal, i just  wanted a child.  Maybe your DH is the same, he just wants to make you happy and also have a child.  Maybe the genetics for him is no big deal.   It took my DH another year of unsuccessful cycles to finally sway him to donor eggs.  Now he thanks me for going this route because he loves his little boy and see his life without him now.   DE was our end of the road, if this didn't work then we were living life without children.   Regardless of the genetics that little boy is mine.   Try not to think about the genetics and DS so much.. Once that baby is in your arms and DH arms, it doesn't matter.  Eventhough my boy doesn't have my genetics he is still laid back just like me.  So your baby will learn a lot just from his environment. 

 

 

----"Never give up on something that you can't stop thinking about every second of every day."----

Chris 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2008
Tue, 09-11-2012 - 1:40pm
Thanks so much for sharing crazy08! And I don't mind your siggy. I know some people dislike them but I actually like to 'read' about success stories and everything they went through b4 their success. :smileyhappy:

Yeah, I'm definitely the same way as your hubby. I could care less about MY genetics but I wanted to have DH's baby. DH on the other doesn't care about his genetics actually he'd rather not pass on his disease to anyone. It has put him through so much pain he doesn't want to pass that on. He sees it as a BLESSING that we can't use his sperm so he can't pass it on to HIS child. This is how he originally talked me into donor sperm. However he also told me if the last IVF didn't work he'd stop his meds and stop smoking and we could try his sperm. He kept his side of the bargian up so I can't ask for more. It's just a matter of accepting the fact.

I think I finally have gotten back on the donor sperm train. Now its just a matter of finding the perfect donor that isn't DH. :smileyhappy:

Elizabeth (31) DH (36) TTC #1 since July 2008

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