Thinking about next steps
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|Fri, 02-10-2012 - 1:16pm|
I want to preface this post by saying that I know for many (most? all?) of you, some of the things I'm currently agonizing over are really easy decisions. And I totally get that. So please don't think I'm crazy! Most of this is just me trying to process it all. So I'm sorry if this gets long. Sometimes writing it down helps me.
So ... just to recap, here's where J and I stand right now:
- We're on our 15th cycle TTC. He's 33, and I just turned 30.
- Most of my tests have been fine--structurally, everything's normal. My progesterone is a little on the low side (and LP is 10 or 11 days--so on the short side, but not terribly so), but I'm ovulating regularly on my own. Initial thyroid test showed it was overactive, should have second round of test results on Monday or Tuesday.
- First SA was not great. I got a closer look at the results yesterday. The total count was low (84 million--they want at least 91 million), and morphology was abnormal (10.7% normal, based on the Kruger criteria, which are more strict than some other criteria--15% normal is considered within normal limits). Motility was fine. J will be retesting in a couple weeks. (Funny side note--my OB asked if he bikes a lot [which can affect sperm count]. Um, yes ... he bike commutes. Not a whole lot we can do about that, I'm afraid!)
So the recommended course of action, per my OB, is to wait on the second SA. If it comes back better, then we try 50 mg Clomid (days 3-7). She gave me a prescription for four cycles' worth. If the second SA comes back poor, then she recommends IUI with Clomid.
So here's the thing. To the best of my understanding, none of our issues are total dealbreakers. This isn't a "you'll never, ever get pregnant without medical assistance" sort of situation, it's a "your chances aren't as high as a 'normal' couple" situation. To be honest, I'm really anxious about Clomid. I know that sounds silly--tons of people use it. I'm someone who generally avoids medication unless it's really necessary--I mean I went off hormonal BC long before we started TTC, because I just didn't like messing with my body like that.
If I weren't ovulating on my own, it would be one thing. But I am ovulating, and when I asked my doctor what, specifically, the Clomid was supposed to accomplish, given that I'm ovulating naturally and she's not concerned about my progesterone levels, I got sort of a vague answer--something along the lines of "It's just supposed to help you ovulate better."
I don't like the idea of messing with my body's hormones, and to be perfectly frank, the thought of having multiples scares the heck out of me. I can wrap my head around twins (though even that freaks J out pretty badly), but triplets? Quadruplets? Quite frankly, if the choice was between no baby and four at once, for me, the choice would be no baby. I'm sorry if that sounds terrible. I totally get that for a lot of people the choice would be the opposite. And I get that it's a very slight chance. But I mean just anecdotally, we've seen it happen right on this board!
Of course, on the other hand, if I knew I could take five pills and end up with a BFP, I'd do it in a heartbeat. I mean, why not? But it just all seems so hard to predict.
I don't know ... I'm probably overthinking all this. I tend to do that. I'm just not sure I'm at a point (or even if I'll ever be at a point) where I'm ready to jump headlong into medical assistance. And I feel sort of ridiculous about that--I mean why are we even doing tests to find out what's wrong if we're not willing to do something about it? But part of me just wants to keep trying on our own, and figure it will happen if and when it's meant to happen.
Another thing that's on my mind is that J and I have talked for years about adopting. While I'd love to experience being pregnant, and we'd both like to see what a little "us" is like, it's not the most important thing for us that our child be genetically related to us. I'd say we could just keep trying naturally, while starting the adoption process--since I know it can be a long one--but my understanding is that adoption agencies want you to have sort of closed the book on your fertility issues--moved past them--before adopting. Which makes perfect sense. But in a situation like ours, where there will probably always be some hope that it could happen for us, how are we ever supposed to end the "trying" chapter? I mean, it's not like I'm going to go back on birth control, you know?
Anyway. That was a lot of words. I hope at least some of it sounds sane. If not, please forgive me. ;) Thanks for reading!