Help! I'm in a pickle...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-1998
Help! I'm in a pickle...
Wed, 12-29-2010 - 1:37pm

…and am not sure what to do. I was hoping I could get some feedback and advice about this situation. I am 38 years old and have been dating a guy pretty seriously for the last 2 years. We live together. The issue for me is that I always knew I wanted to have a family and he is somewhat ambivalent about it. He’s not totally against it but he’s not really advocating for it either. I’m the one that always brings it up. I think he mainly feels that he’s already had this experience since his ex-wife of 8 years already had a child of her own. He has also stated that he likes his personal time and is not sure he wants to give up all of his freedoms. Despite all of this, however, I know he loves me deeply and is willing to try and there is a part of me that wants to take this leap to see where it may take us. However, there is also a part of me that realizes that if we do decide to have a child together that I may be the one really taking care of it. I am aware of this and know the stakes involved. This does not stop me from wanting a family. This is most certainly the direction I want to take. And I know that even if I were to leave him because of his stance, I would most certainly be a single mom given that there’s real no possibility of me finding Mr. Right who wants the family as badly as me at my age. I have already relinquished that dream and am okay with it (more or less).

However, my issue relates to the method in which we have a child. I know this seems odd but if we do have a child he prefers the idea of adopting over having a biological child. I understand and relate to his opinion given that there are so many of us now on this planet and there are so many children out there that need good, loving homes. However, there’s still a part of me that would like to have a biological child also after having researched the whole adoption thing and realized just how complicated and expensive it can be. An adoption can cost up to $30K. I don’t have that kind of money and I would have to do some serious fundraising to get it. I would also have to do it as

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2009
Wed, 12-29-2010 - 2:51pm

Hi there, you will receive an abundance of support here. I'm sorry to say the sperm bank may be your best option. He does seem to me (just reading your post) that he doesn't want children, he seems to know he's shooting blanks, is there a chance he

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2009
Wed, 12-29-2010 - 4:30pm
Maybe he is nervous about the whole process. My husband is only 31 but was making a lot of those same avoidance type jokes. It turned out that he was really nervous that he wouldn't be able to provide me with a baby. He has this fear about being unable to reproduce much like we all do. Maybe tell him how it makes you feel when he makes jokes like that and that he needs to have an honest and open discussion.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2009
Wed, 12-29-2010 - 9:25pm

This is certainly a predicament! I think the most important thing is to keep lines of communication open between you and him. Whether or not he has

Photobucket Forever Missing Our Angels ~ May 2010 ~ August 2010 ~ October 2010 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2010
Fri, 12-31-2010 - 2:31pm

Hi, there. Welcome to the board! Wow, that is a tough one. I hope you are able to get things figured out. I think PP have given you some great advice and I'd probably repeat some of it. GL!


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