Ever have doubts?
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|Mon, 06-14-2010 - 11:12pm|
I thought I was pregnant for the past 3 or 4 days due to what I thought was spotting but was really just my body gearing up for a period. During the time I thought I was pregnant I surprised myself with a laundry list of worries: I was lying awake at night worried about this and that. I don't have a job yet, I have all these student loans to pay off, who's going to hire a pregnant woman? I won't have as nice a stomach, I won't be able to practice my belly dance slowing down my progress, including things my friend who has 2 kids told me such as, when they are in high school, you will be in your 50s, don't take the swine flu vaccine if you're pregnant because a Chesepeake woman did and she died after her child was born. I thought about how I don't feel emotionally and financially ready, but that I was getting older and heard about cousins of my husband's that found out they couldn't conceive because they waited too long. I never want that to happen to me. I really love kids and do want some one day. Then I started worrying about the swine flu vaccine and whether I would die because of it and what would my husband do without me? It just went on and on. Then when I got a negative pregnancy test at urgent care today, I was devastated. What? I thought I was going through all the what ifs. I should be happy that I'm not pregnant. But I'm not. I'm downright disappointed. Wtf? At least now I can follow through on making sure I have a job secured for fall (there is one possible in progress). I have been unemployed for 10 months now and haven't found anything which leaves one to think it will never happen. My goal is just to secure 1 job even if it doesn't pay the loans yet so on my resume it will show I have been employed and will keep employers interested. Sigh. In addition, last night we found a flying giant cockroach in our kitchen. I really really don't know how much more of this I can stand.
I think it's worth it to say I have been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety disorder and am extremely prone to what ifs. Lol.