Jealousy making me even more depressed during TTC...?
Find a Conversation
|Mon, 05-06-2013 - 10:23am|
SO... DH and I have been TTC for over 1.5yrs. I haven't found an infertility place to go to yet - and also worrying about what they will find, and how much $ it will cost.
In the meantime, I'm dealing with a work issue. I know I should keep to myself and not worry what other people have or do not have - but for some reason, I guess I get angry when others have something I work so hard to get and I don't get it. I also am a "goody to-shoes" and believe that good people should have good things in life happen to them - and it frustrates me that I'm super-"good" and yet I see other "bad" people get more than me-- it gets pretty depressing.
I went through a period of unemployment, finally landed this position about a year ago. Come to find out, they hired the "runner up" for my position as a temp office assistant. Now I compared my resume to hers and questioned why she was even considered for my position when I had a lot more education and experience - so that kind of made me mad. 2nd it made me mad that now I had to work beside her - her knowing I took the better position and me knowing that this was my competition?!. I mean, that's an odd situation to begin with - how many people have to work with the runner up?!
Well, after a while, for some reason, they decided to hire her as a full-time employee. I still didn't see it. She had no passion, no desire to go beyond what was expected - just came to work, did minimal job, and went home. But she is here now.
So she kind of is my "office enemy" - i try to be nice to her, but she ignores me. No one see's her flaws but me, which feels like one of those movies where no one believes the person who got framed by the "innocent, sweet boy". haha
I digress... so sometimes if we go out to lunch as a group, people talk about kids and we all get asked "when are you having them"? Her answer was always "not for awhile".
TMI alert - a few months ago she threw up in the bathroom at work - she told everyone she had a bug. Ever since then I noticed she was late to work - doctors appts. So I guessed she was pregnant. So it was bothering me. Here my dh and i have been trying and trying with nothing. But i wasn't sure so I just kept positive. Well, I find out today that she is pregnant from a co-worker who let it slip out.
GREAT. you know how HARD it is for me to sit at my desk knowing that she is pregnant. I HATE criticizing others but I honestly do not feel like she deserves it. She is single, she has only been dating the guy for 9months, they don't even live together, and from past conversations, she never acted like she was ready for kids yet. Which makes me think it's another stupid girl who didn't know what protection means and accidentally got pregnant - so another baby brought into this world when it wasn't wanted. Yet, here I sit, ready and waiting and STRUGGLING to have a baby PLANNED and yet it isn't happening.
If there is a god, why would he make it hard for a married, ready couple to have a baby, yet let women who don't know what they are doing, accidentally have kids?!
How is that fair at all?
AND, since my DH and I are trying, that means at some point we could be pregnant at the same time - so now my "limelight" and wonderful moment will get shadowed because of her. It may be petty, but it bothers me that now I will be second to her. I know this can't be just me. When you are in a housefull of women, the older sister gets jealous when the younger sister gets married first. Same thing. I am the 3rd daughter in my family, and a twin to the only boy - I know what it is like to never be in the limelight, so my co-worker being pregnant before me - my enemy co-worker to boot - is really depressing.
I hate that I feel this way... I think I need professional help. :(