Convincing DH?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2008
Convincing DH?
8
Wed, 01-06-2010 - 9:34am

So, I think I've mentioned this before sometime... the plan was to start TTC #2 in summer this year - or so I thought.


Lately, DH has expressed his strong opinion that we should NOT TTC this year, possibly not even next year, and he has also mentioned numerous times that he'd be happy to just have one child.


Now, don't get me wrong, I love Teddy to bits and I feel so lucky and blessed to have him. But I also feel I'm definitely not done having babies yet. The wish to have another baby becomes stronger every week; but so far as I thought we had a date set it didn't trouble me too much.


DH and I have had some serious talks and what worries me most is that he truly would be happy to just have Teddy. He says we've got one fantastic little bean and that to him feels "enough", why would we want to change what we have if it's good? He knows I'm upset by this and I've tried to explain how there's this burning desire for another baby, but I think he doesn't get it because he'd never feel something like that. I think it's part a "man-thing", they just don't get baby fever. He also feels that with Teddy, I very much got my own way as we'd originally agreed to TTC after our wedding in August (and ended up TTCing in May) because I was so anxious to get started; whereas I think he'd almost hoped TTCing would take a while so he'd have more time to adjust. Apart from that, DH is worried about our financial situation - due to the recession, the last year was pretty hard for him (he runs his own company). He managed to tick things over but he had to fight for every little job. Plus, he thinks we'd have to move into a bigger house before starting to TTC (we live in a 2 bed). I think that could wait - even until after the new baby was born, as babies don't take up that much space - but he doesn't agree.


For now we've struck a deal that we'll "negotiate" again in summer. While on one hand I completely understand his viewpoint, on the other hand I could cry with disappointment and also frustration, as I can't seem to find a way to convey to him how strongly I feel about it.


Has anyone been in the same or a similar situation? What do you think I could do or say to convince DH it's ok to TTC this year? Or do you think he has a point and we should postpone?


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2006
In reply to: arwhyn
Wed, 01-06-2010 - 9:46am

Anna, what a frustrating situation :( On the one hand, you guys had an agreement that you would have another child after Teddy. Regardless of when you would start TTC, going back on this agreement is definite cause for anger, frustration and disappointment. On the other hand, you don't want your DH to feel "forced" into having another child, and his concerns do seem valid.

I've heard this happens a lot with men. Once one child is in the picture, and things are going great, they don't want to change a thing. They wonder what would happen if another child was in the picture - what if it "ruined" the family dynamics? what if they don't have enough love for both children? what if it changes your relationship?

All of these thoughts, of course, can be talked out (and we never do know how things will change). But, men are so stuck in their ways, especially when things are going well, that they are very hard to convince otherwise.

If I were in your position, I'd let it be for a while and revisit the topic in a couple months or so. My guess is that he just needs to get comfortable with the idea of another change. He's probably just getting used to having Teddy around! Hehe!

My thoughts are with you, and I hope you'll be able to add to your family very soon. Keep us posted!





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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
In reply to: arwhyn
Wed, 01-06-2010 - 10:20am

Anna I am in that position with DH. We did TTC for Eloise when agreed, though he wasn't really quite ready yet and would have been more then happy with just Desmond.

Right now we are in a truce in that I don't talk about TTCing a third and he doesn't say no. I do know that we aren't going to be TTCing our next one this summer, actually I am fine with that though baby fever is coming back strong as Eloise gets bigger. I love how close in age Desmond and Eloise are, but it really was tough the first few months, so I am okay with a slightly longer wait.

Plus DH would feel more secure if we were in a better financial position. So I'm waiting, hopefully just till next spring (spring 2011), but it is possible that DH is done and I won't get my third. I am hoping he will agree to a third, and I am fairly sure he will, but there is that chance he won't.

That being said I do think your DH has a point about not being ready yet as hard as that maybe to hear. He is just not ready, if being financially more secure is important to him, it is a legitimate concern and something I would be willing to work with and compromise on. Yes it suck for you that he is going back on his agreement to TTC this summer, but feelings change and he just may not be ready yet. That being said, I wouldn't push him, but I would make sure to let him know that you really want a second and are looking forward to having another baby, though you maybe willing to compromise on when.

I also find it easier to set a date for the discussion and to try not to discuss it at other times. For instance DH and I discussed a third on our way down to Atlanta, we are still at an impasse about a third, though he is closer to agreeing then he was before.

That being said a second baby really doesn't take up much more room then a first. You already have all the toys and other items from the first and they can share a room. We haven't used the nursery yet, we would be fine with 2 bedrooms right now with Eloise and Desmond since Eloise is in our bed and DH is in Desmond's bed with him (he snores, we all sleep better that way). Even after Eloise moves out of our room she could go into Desmond's room and share it, she won't since we do have 3 upstairs bedrooms, but it won't be a major deal, and if we have our third they will likely share a room with either Desmond or Eloise when they move out of our room until we move into a bigger house.




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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2008
In reply to: arwhyn
Wed, 01-06-2010 - 1:37pm

I am sure I will have a similar problem! Even though Dh definitely wants 2 and probably 3 I know his ideal timing and my ideal timing are NOT the same:)


My advice is the same advice as when I was WTT. Try not to bring


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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
In reply to: arwhyn
Wed, 01-06-2010 - 4:47pm

Anna,


Although I'm not in your situation, I just wanted to give you big (((HUGS))) and say that what you're feeling is completely normal. I would feel the exact same way if it were me and my DH.


I think the other ladies have given you some great advice and I agree that it's best to let the issue rest for a bit and bring it up again in a few months. I don't know how your DH is but mine is constantly changing his mind about things so I've learned not to get upset because it's likely to change, LOL. I hope that you and your DH will be able to come to a mutual agreement and you will be TTC for #2 when the time is right for both of you. :-)


I remember when my DH kept changing his mind about our TTC date and I became so depressed and frustrated (literally crying every day) because all my life, all I've ever wanted is to be a mother and I felt like it was never going to happen. We finally agreed to NPP the month before we were going to TTC and much to both of our surprise, we got PG

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
In reply to: arwhyn
Wed, 01-06-2010 - 6:06pm

Anna, I'm so sorry you and your DH are going through this! I won't be any help in this situation, since I don't have the strong baby fever again yet, but did want to offer you some huge hugs. DH and I always talked about wanting two kids - right from when our relationship first started getting serious almost 8 years ago! But within days of Elena's birth, he started saying that one was enough. Actually, for the first



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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2008
In reply to: arwhyn
Thu, 01-07-2010 - 12:03pm

Thanks girls for your great advice!


So I will just let it be for the moment and really try hard not to bring it up again until later this year. It is just so hard especially as DH keeps mentioning it even when I don't .Like, when Teddy emptied all the desk drawers this morning within 2 minutes while we weren't looking, he was like "See? That's why I don't want another bean!". Or, the opposite case, when Teddy's doing something cute and I say isn't he an angel, DH says "Yes, so

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2006
In reply to: arwhyn
Thu, 01-07-2010 - 12:45pm

Can you ask him to lay off the comments too? I mean, if you're not going to bring it up for his sake, then he should do the same for you.

(((hugs))) I'm sure he'll come around.





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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2007
In reply to: arwhyn
Sun, 01-10-2010 - 4:49pm

The day you posted this, I wrote you this long eloquent post about it, but then somehow lost it--argh!

Anyway, I totally agree with others--I think men and women tend to have a critical difference in that men are worried first about protecting what they already have, while it is easier for women to imagine how adding to a family could improve it. Men seem to always worry first about how a new baby could affect the first baby and the whole family dynamic, while women look forward to that same thing.

But I totally agree that you should have an honest conversation with him where you explain how much it hurts you to think of not having another, and that every time he brings it up, it is really painful for you and makes you want to argue with him about it. You understand that he isn't ready to have a second, and that is okay, but then decide on a date and time when you will talk about it (if he originally had agreed to TTCing this summer, that might be a good time). So decide on a date when you will talk about it, and between now and then, you will think about it, and he will think about it, but neither of you will bring it up. Make him seriously agree to this neutral period, and then stick to it.

Like guys who are nervous about TTCing in the first place, a few months to let them think about it can really do wonders. By the time this summer rolls around, he might be ready to TTC number two, right on time.

((((HUGS))))


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