failure at breastfeeding
Find a Conversation
|Sat, 05-08-2010 - 2:05pm|
it's over, just about. i just can't do it.
my milk came in overnight on good friday, the day we got home from the hospital. it didn't come out until the following tuesday, and i had very little resources available to me for help with it, by virtue of it being a holiday weekend and the only lactation consultant in the UP was on vacation. tad's bilirubin levels got very high (plus my poor baby was literally starving), so i had to give him formula. since i didn't have any other delivery method available, he got it in a bottle. (he wouldn't latch on to my breasts anyway, they were so hard and engorged. talk about painful.)
anyway, ever since then, breastfeeding has been an uphill battle. i did see the LC about a week after i got the milk flowing to help me with tad's latch, but it was still difficult because the house is torn apart and i'm was the only one here to do chores (now i'm the only one here period, my stepdad went home almost a week ago). but tad was still getting breastmilk exclusively. i'd give him a bottle, then when he was done eating i'd put him down and pump for the next feeding. never managed to build up a freezer stock, but there were no supply issues.
now tad has hit the fussy stage, and according to all the definitions of "colic" that i'm finding, he has colic too. i CAN'T put him down after feeding him. sometimes i can't even put him down after he falls asleep. i can't hold him in the moby for more than an hour because my back kills me, and i can't pump while he's in the moby anyway. so the number of times i've been able to pump a day has dropped to 2 or 3 from the previous number of 7-9. and my milk is already drying up, so quickly. it's been about 4 days of this, and the engorgement in between pumps has almost disappeared, even on a 2-pump day.
i don't have the time or energy to devote to working my supply back up, or to getting tad back on the breast. he fights me every step of the way now. if he's awake, he's fussing, and when i try to put him to the breast he arches his back and pushes away and howls. it just doesn't work, and i'm at the end of my rope. i have to give it up. it can't be good for tad to have a basket case for a mom.
i'm not sure why i'm posting this. maybe just for reassurance that i'm doing the right thing, because every bit of advice on how to make it work that people have given me has either not worked or been beyond my capabilities at this point. now advice just makes me feel worse about not being able to do it. i can't do this right now, i know i can't, but unfortunately if i don't do it now i won't be able to do it ever. so i just can't do it. and i feel so so awful about it. something so natural and i can't do it. this is what women are built for! and i can't do it.