failure at breastfeeding
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| Sat, 05-08-2010 - 2:05pm |
it's over, just about. i just can't do it.
my milk came in overnight on good friday, the day we got home from the hospital. it didn't come out until the following tuesday, and i had very little resources available to me for help with it, by virtue of it being a holiday weekend and the only lactation consultant in the UP was on vacation. tad's bilirubin levels got very high (plus my poor baby was literally starving), so i had to give him formula. since i didn't have any other delivery method available, he got it in a bottle. (he wouldn't latch on to my breasts anyway, they were so hard and engorged. talk about painful.)
anyway, ever since then, breastfeeding has been an uphill battle. i did see the LC about a week after i got the milk flowing to help me with tad's latch, but it was still difficult because the house is torn apart and i'm was the only one here to do chores (now i'm the only one here period, my stepdad went home almost a week ago). but tad was still getting breastmilk exclusively. i'd give him a bottle, then when he was done eating i'd put him down and pump for the next feeding. never managed to build up a freezer stock, but there were no supply issues.
now tad has hit the fussy stage, and according to all the definitions of "colic" that i'm finding, he has colic too. i CAN'T put him down after feeding him. sometimes i can't even put him down after he falls asleep. i can't hold him in the moby for more than an hour because my back kills me, and i can't pump while he's in the moby anyway. so the number of times i've been able to pump a day has dropped to 2 or 3 from the previous number of 7-9. and my milk is already drying up, so quickly. it's been about 4 days of this, and the engorgement in between pumps has almost disappeared, even on a 2-pump day.
i don't have the time or energy to devote to working my supply back up, or to getting tad back on the breast. he fights me every step of the way now. if he's awake, he's fussing, and when i try to put him to the breast he arches his back and pushes away and howls. it just doesn't work, and i'm at the end of my rope. i have to give it up. it can't be good for tad to have a basket case for a mom.
i'm not sure why i'm posting this. maybe just for reassurance that i'm doing the right thing, because every bit of advice on how to make it work that people have given me has either not worked or been beyond my capabilities at this point. now advice just makes me feel worse about not being able to do it. i can't do this right now, i know i can't, but unfortunately if i don't do it now i won't be able to do it ever. so i just can't do it. and i feel so so awful about it. something so natural and i can't do it. this is what women are built for! and i can't do it.
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Oh Carly, I'm so sorry sweetie, that sounds just awful. I can't imagine having to do this alone. I wish I lived closer to you, I wish we all lived close to you so we could help you out. You have to do what's best for you and tad. Don't let that get you down.
If it helps any the colicky stage with James was very short, maybe 2 or 3 weeks. It felt like an eternity at the time, but it did end quickly. Will he sleep or be calm in the swing? The thing that worked the best with James when he wouldn't stop crying was swaddling, a pacifier, the swing, and a tape recording of a hairdryer turned up louder than he was crying. It worked like magic but you had to do all of it. I know you weren't asking for advice, but I know how tiring it can be to hold baby all day, so if there's something you can do to give yourself a break, I think that would go a long way to help your sanity. (((big hugs))) You're doing a great job.
As long as you are feeding him something - weather EBM or BF or FF, you are doing the BEST you possibly can. That's all that matters.
Not all women and babies can breastfeed and it is by no means as easy as they make it out to be.
You have nothing to be ashamed of.
(((HUGS)))
Carly, first of all, HUGE (((((hugs))))).
Second, please know that you are in no way a failure. Elena absolutely flat out refused to breastfeed - period. Some babies just don't get it, don't want to do it, or just plain won't. Some women see LCs and join LLL groups and go to BFing clinics - the whole 9 yards - and their babies STILL won't BF. It's not your fault and you did nothing wrong.
Third, pumping is HARD work. It is way worse than BFing. I know because I did it exclusively for 6.5 months. But I had some help. I don't have family around but I did try to do as much pumping as I could when DH was around. Even then it was tough. Even with that bit of help I still quit after 6.5 months. Some women EP for years and I swear to God and everything holy that I don't know how they do it.
YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING! The most important thing for both mom and baby is to be happy with the method of feeding that works best for both. If that means formula than so be it. Elena has been thriving on formula since I switched her to it and I have no regrets. And believe me, I don't miss that pump for a single second.
Hang in there mama - you are doing an amazing job!!!
.........
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Carly- you are doing an AMAZING job!!!! Colic just makes every little thing so much harder and considering you are doing this all alone I am so impressed that you pumped as long as you have! Tad got a great start with breastmilk but there is absolutely nothing wrong with formula- don't let anyone try to make you feel bad or guilty.
The bottom line is that your job as a mom is to love and take care of your son and you are absolutely doing that whether you are giving your son formula or breast milk or a mixture of the two.
((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))
Carly, SO MANY HUGS coming to you right now!
In terms of the breastfeeding, I know how you feel. It took a week to get Ry to latch at all, and then he was so particular about when and how he would latch, and at 8 weeks he just stopped. I could never get him to latch again and he would scream when I got him near my breast.
I ended up EPing until he was 10 months old, but it was HARD and I had a lot of support. BFing is hard without support and EPing is impossible without support, so I would never dream of blaming you for not being able to make it work. This is not your fault!
You are a superhero for doing the very best you can for that baby. Whatever you can give him is exactly what he needs, and that includes what you feed him. He just needs his mommy, and I'm sure he doesn't care whether it's breast milk or formula in that bottle as long as he has you.
One thing, though, have you mentioned the back arching to your doc? I wonder if he has reflux? Ry had reflux that went undiagnosed for months and it was one of the issues that made him so colicky. Once he got on meds, it improved almost immediately.
Lots of hugs and I have nothing but admiration for you!
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Carly, it sounds like you are doing your absolute best to BF and also to pump--but in the end, if it's not going to work, it's not going to work, and that's not because you "failed"--IMO, you succeeded against great odds for a good while now, and I really applaud you for giving this gift to Tad.
If you really want to give Tad breast milk, you can also get human milk from a milk bank--but of course there is also formula. Whatever works for Tad is what is best for him, and it sounds like, for a variety of reasons, BFing/pumping isn't working anymore. He needs YOU right now more than he needs your milk and you are doing the absolute best you can. You are a wonderful success as a mother. (((HUGS)))
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Carly, do not feel like a failure. I know it is hard my milk never came in and Simon only got what little i made for 3 weeks. He was losing so much weight we hard to start formula the first week cause no matter what we did or tried my breasts just wouldn't make enough to feed Simon.
Simon is doing just fine on formula and I know lots of healthy happy babies who were ff. I know its not ideal but you have to roll with it sometimes. You are the best mommy for tad. I know its hard but try not to beat yourself up.
Cassie
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