Losing Myself
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| Tue, 02-08-2011 - 1:21pm |
I want to start this off with I am feeling awfully guilty about this and this might just be a pity party - so you can just ignore me. I LOVE being a parent. I love my little girl, she is the best thing that happened to me. but what I wasn't prepared for when I was pregnant was losing myself. I grew up with a mother who did a great job at balancing her work life and her home life and was great (at least appeared to be) at handling it all. She took care of me, while my dad worked 2 to 3 jobs, worked 40 hours a week, took care of my grandmother (who was dying from cancer) and her sister (who was 8 at the time). I really don't know how she did it as I am feeling like I am having an emotional breakdown.
For the past 2 weeks, Gabby has been sick with a double ear infection (now it's just one) and a cold. She hasn't been sleeping at daycare. She used to sleep 4 hours or so (1 hour nap in the morning, and a 2 to 3 hour nap in the afternoon). Before she got sick she would go down for the night around 6:30 or 7:00, sleep until 10:30 or 11, and then again until 2:00 or 3. but now she is doing the same thing, but getting up at 2, and then 4 and sometimes 5am. Last Monday (so a week from yesterday) I took her in and found out she still had the one ear infection. Because the Dr didn't get the med script to the pharmacy until Tuesday we didn't start the meds until Tuesday Evening, so this evening she has been on the 2nd set of meds for 1 week. She is getting better, because early last week she was only sleeping every 1 1/2 hours.
I am at my whits end. I realize that she is probably not sleeping because of her ear infection, but I don't know how much more of this I can take. Should I take her in even though it hasn't been 10 days yet?
I also don't know apparently how to balance working 40 to 45 hours a week and keeping my husband happy and my baby happy without losing myself. DH and I got into a Huge fight this morning about his "Helping" He got up with her at 5 this morning only after I asked him to get out of bed and take care of her. When I got up an hour and a half later, I took her so he could go to the bathroom and take a shower, 25 minutes later he was getting out of the bathroom. I mean really? I take 5 minute maybe 10 minute showers. So that put us both late getting stuff ready to go. on Tuesdays and Wednesdays I have to get ready too because I go into the office and I have to be in the office around 8:15. Anyway we got super mad at each other and all because we can't get things straight on how we are going to take care of her. in January and Feburary he works a 2nd job.
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I just wanted to say that feeling overwhelmed or frustrusted in no way equals not loving your daughter or loving mommyhood. We all know that, so no need to feel guilty! Being a parent is hard. It really is. It's fun sometimes, miraculous sometimes, and absolutely exhausting, terrifying, and maddening sometimes. From reading your whole post, it doesn't sound like "losing yourself" is the big issue. It sounds to me you are just stretched as thin as one can be stretched. You're not sleeping as much as you need to be, and with a sick baby, you are on high alert 24/7. No one can take that kind of intensity for long periods of time.
Others have suggested time away from your baby, but not all moms like to do that. Especially as a working mom! So I'm going to add the suggestion of an at-home break. When my sons were babies, I always kept a nice supply of gorgeous smelling shower gels. My hubby knew (even with a newborn) that I needed time for a long shower everyday (usually in the evening). Maybe you could do something like that on the evening that hubby is home. Then try doing the thing that makes you love being a mom. Right now, when the boys have been bickeriing all day, the house is a mess, and I'm absolutely at the end of my patience, we read books. When I had babies, we would sit down to nurse or look at books or just rock in the chair.
But above all else, you really need to communicate with your hubby. Tell him what you need, and ask him how HE thinks you might be able to make that happen. Avoid accusations! Avoid making demands, and try (I know it is hard.) to make the conversation about him helping you to be the best mom you can be. Let him take the lead. Let him know that you love how hard he works to provide for your family, but onfirm that you are working very hard as well and need a greater sense of partnership in order to feel healthy and whole.
A men's group is really important for your husband (I truly believe that!!!!), but could you ask him to take a break until his second job is over in March? That is only a few weeks. Or could you find a mom's group? I don't remember if you are nursing, but many La Leche League groups take place in the evening to provide for working moms. MOPS is a faith-based group. Both of these are great because you can have a break, but your baby is still near by.
Just some thoughts. Only you know the dynamic of your marriage and your true needs. Take care of yourself!
Hugs,
Erica
(((hugs))) Jessica. I totaly know the feeling on trying to balance working and home. Its tough, with my current position I completly understand considering I normally go three days with only getting to see Simon in the morning while I am getting ready. There for DH doesn't have an option but to help with Simon.
 CassieÂ
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IMO, he wont learn or take initiative if you dont let go and let him do it.
Thanks ladies...I know I need to take time for myself and I have been one of those people that just doesn't do that. so I need to start doing that...I know it will make me be a better mama. :)
Hang in there, mamma!! It's been a tough couple of weeks for you because of Gabby's ear infections. Hopefully things will get much better once she's feeling better.
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Put it on the calendar and don't skimp. If DH won't / can't step up during that time, then hire a sitter. If he complains about the cost, having a sitter, etc... point out that if he stepped up you wouldn't need a sitter.
Every Saturday I take 2-3 hours and leave the house. I make myself do this for a sanity check. My son and hubs have some quality time and I get a much needed break. Whether I take a book to the coffe shop, get my hair done, nails done.. something for you. You have to, b/c usually by the time I'm heading home I am thinking more positivly and how lucky I am and what a sweet boy he is.