Mommy talk?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2005
Mommy talk?
73
Wed, 02-17-2010 - 10:17am

Ladies, I've been wanting to start this thread for some time now.
I don't know if you feel the same, but sometimes I feel the need to talk with adults about general stuff... not only baby stuff!
We have the baby update thread to talk about our babies and their progress, here we can talk about everything else. Of course, since we are moms, there will be a lot about our kids, but they won't be the center of the thread.
Also, I suppose it will be a really slow thread, none of us has much time to post. But I hope it goes on even if slowly.

I'll start:

I think I've finally adjusted to having my baby at home after the NICU. We are back on a routine and I feel more like myself again.
What worries me right now is the relationship between DH and I. It's not like we are fighting or anything. It's just that it seems we are parents... and not lovers anymore. I mean, we don't spend time "just for the two of us". It's always about the baby, or work, or financial issues. And it sucks! I've tried to talk about it with him, but he doesn't seem to feel like there is anything wrong!! I suppose it has to do with the way our own parents were. My parents tried to find time for their relationship, going on dates and finding time during the day to talk. His parents live through their children and I've noticed that by now they are almost scared to go out alone as a couple. I suppose they can't find what to talk about...
Another thing is our sex life. Between the baby, his work and life in general we are really exhausted. And when we are in the mood, baby is asleep, we are not tired and the planets are aligned....... it hurts so much that it feels awful!!!! I got some advice in the sex thread I posted, but it sucks that the only think I can do is "give it time and patience"!!!!

On a brighter note, we are just about to buy our dream lot! Finally there is still some paperwork left to do, but I think it is a matter of days. I'll try to post pictures soon!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2007
In reply to: bailarina2005
Wed, 05-05-2010 - 10:41am

Kelly - we've had good luck finding babysitters using sittercity.com. There's a signup fee, but we've found it to be worth it.

If you know people with kids, you could also see about trading off babysitting - you take care of their kids then they take care of yours.

~Lorien





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~Lorien





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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2007
In reply to: bailarina2005
Tue, 05-04-2010 - 11:22pm

Kelly--Can you look for a babysitter that isn't a family or friend? When I was a teenager, I put an ad in the paper as an available babysitter and met two great families that I ended up working for for years. I realize you might want someone older, but if you advertised for a babysitter, you could interview people, ask for references, etc. It sounds like not having a babysitter is a huge barrier in making plans for you--so maybe that is something you could look into. Especially in this economy I bet there are plenty of college students/young Moms who are looking to make some extra money and would love to watch Elena once a week or every other week so you and DH could have a date night.

(((HUGS))) Hang in there, girl.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
In reply to: bailarina2005
Sun, 05-02-2010 - 1:53am

Thank you so much guys. I was having such a bad day yesterday and really needed to get that out. I know DH and I badly need to talk but I swear it's so hard to talk to the guy sometimes. He always seems to take things the wrong way or get defensive or think that I'm making too much out of things. I know he is stressed at work and he is tired a lot too - he



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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2006
In reply to: bailarina2005
Sat, 05-01-2010 - 10:06pm
(((Kelly))) I am sorry that you are feeling this way. I agree that it talking to DH is important. He probably doesn't realize that he is not being supportive emotionally. In his mind because he's helping around the house and supporting the family financially he is being supportive, even though you need more. It would also be helpful for him to spend the day alone with Elena. Jon is supportive, but for months I was working full time during the week and then had Gideon by myself on weekends and had all the joys of pregnancy. Jon was working 6 days a week and the day he had off during the week he usually took Gideon to daycare so he was able to get projects done around the house and such. Well in Feb. when we had back to back blizzards one day he was snowed in with Gideon and I made it out to work. When I got home, he said "I can't believe that you have been doing this by yourself for all of these months." I said, yep, and then add in fatigue like mono, N/V, a bowling ball in your abdomen that kicks your crotch. There is no way for him to really be in your shoes, but even if he has a little more empathy is all that it sounds like you need. You are a wonderful mother, it is completely normal for all of us to doubt how we are as parents.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2008
In reply to: bailarina2005
Sat, 05-01-2010 - 1:38pm

Big (((HUGS))) Kelly. You sound really frustrated with DH and for good reason! Argh. Sometimes men can be so dense. He should be more supportive of you as Elena's FABULOUS mama. I'm so sorry he's being like this. Have you ever outright told him you need him to be more supportive? Could you say something like "It would mean a lot to me if you could be more supportive by telling me I'm doing a great job as a mom when I've had a hard day instead of telling me I should just expect hard days"? I feel like men sometimes just need to be told exactly what we need from them (even though it is so completely obvious to us!). Do you think he would respond to you if you said something like that?

I wish I could do or say more to help you feel better :( Could you also ask DH to watch Elena once a week so you can get out of the house by yourself? That works wonders for my mood if I've had a frustrating mommy day...

You're doing a great job, Kelly! :)


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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2007
In reply to: bailarina2005
Sat, 05-01-2010 - 1:31pm

(((HUGS))) Kelly.

I just wanted to second a lot of what Anna has said. First and foremost, you are a wonderful Mom to Elena. She is beautiful and perfect and that is because of you. Even when you had troubles BFing, you pumped instead (which I even know second hand is SO hard to do), so that you could give her the best possible start. You work hard every day to give Elena a great life, and you are awesome at it.

With that being said "being a Mom" isn't "enough" for everyone. A lot of Moms NEED to have a job, or an intense hobby, or something to keep them sane. If you are someone like that, it doesn't make you any less of a Mom. Maybe when you start working, you'll find that you feel better, and maybe you would have learned something about the kind of person you are.

I know that you (like me) have ADD. It is pretty hard for me not to have a schedule and things that I MUST do and places I MUST be every day. If you are someone like that, a job could really help you a lot.

But I also agree that you've GOT to talk to DH. You've posted a few times about a lack of communication between you--what is going to help address that? Maybe seeing a therapist is the answer, but maybe something like a weekly date night would work just as well.

But no matter how you do it, you've got to set some time aside at least once a week to talk in depth with DH about anything you are thinking and feeling--about your relationship, yourself, your feelings, everything, that you might not get a chance to say the rest of the week. I know when there is a lack of communication, it can be hard to cross that divide, but the longer it is "between crossings" the harder it becomes, and the more strained you will feel.

Totally aside from DH, PERSONALLY, it worked wonders for me to start seeing a therapist when I was depressed. Even if you aren't REALLY depressed, it could still help a lot to have an objective outside person helping to offer perspective on your life. So I think it's definitely something you could consider--and maybe it would only take a few sessions to help you figure some things out.

Anyway, hopefully it also helped a little just to get things off of your chest. (((HUGS))) You are a GREAT Momma and if you ever need to hear that, just let us know.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2008
In reply to: bailarina2005
Sat, 05-01-2010 - 4:59am

Oh, Kelly (((HUGS))). I'm so so sorry you feel that way!
First of all let me say that you're a great Mama. You're doing an awesome job with Elena! I can tell by looking at the photos of her (and you) that she's absolutely thriving and that she adores you.

The situation with your DH must be so so hard though. My DH is in a way similar in that he's not very openly emotional, and I sometimes get mad at him as I feel he belittles what I do (he seems to think I just hand around the house all day having a lazy life). And I know these situations where you just want to have a moan after having had an exhausting day - DH then likes to say; "But you wanted a baby!" - Well, yeah, but that's not the point!! That being said he does also praise me for what I do and tells me I'm a good mummy so that makes up for it.
I can imagine it must be so hard if you don't get that praise, or just some acknowledgement. Have you said to DH how much it hurts you that you feel he doesn't give you any emotional support? Do you think he would laugh it off? I think the first step would be trying to talk to him - if that doesn't work, maybe suggest marriage counselling? I don't know if he would be up for it - if he's like my DH, probably not - but it's worth suggesting it. If he's completely against it, maybe you could look for some counselling for yourself. I don't think you're depressed (well, as far as I can tell from "over here") but it would certainly help you deal with this; and other issues (I remember you were also unhappy as DH decided Elena would be an only child, and you're not sure if you're done).
Please keep us posted how it's going. Don't forget we're always here for you, even if we can't take you out on the town for a night!
Thinking of you, Kelly.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
In reply to: bailarina2005
Sat, 05-01-2010 - 1:53am

Warning - huge vent forthcoming. I've been stewing about this for a long time now and I just finally need to get it off my chest. I can't think of any better place.


Three years ago, when my best friend's twins were just babies, her DH sent an email out to all of her girlfriends asking us to take her out on the town one night because she was doing such a fantastic job with the babies and badly deserved a night out. Not only that, he constantly raved on his FB about what a great job she was doing, and thanked her every day when he came home from work for taking care of the babies. He may have been seriously lacking in helping out with


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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2005
In reply to: bailarina2005
Fri, 04-30-2010 - 2:16pm

Well, Ella. IMHO, the things you wrote about her are not so bad. I mean, she'll probably feel hurt, because I'm sure she never meant to annoy you with those things and probably learning that has been a great shock to her.
But I'm sure that if you go to her, and honestly explain your PGcy feelings and that you didn't mean to hurt her, things will improve, and time will do the rest.

As a little example... About a year before getting married, DH and I took a trip alone... You would think that it would be all right, I mean, we were both grown ups and in a committed relationship. But it wasn't. She got SO FREAKING MAD!! She didn't allow me in her house anymore!!
I was very shocked and mad in return. After all, it was my parents that were the religious, strict moral ones, and they were quite OK with it... I really thought I would be one of those girls who have a hateful relationship with the MIL.
Anyways, her anger lasted for about a month, and after that, things were a bit strained between us for a while. But now we are back to normal, and I truly have a good relationship with her.
I guess she realized that she over reacted, and also I tried to treat her just as nicely as before, and things got better sooner that I expected. Some months later, we even discussed the episode, and even laughed a bit at it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2007
In reply to: bailarina2005
Thu, 04-29-2010 - 2:48pm

I think anyone who has been pregnant should be able to understand being overly hormonal. Hopefully if you explain that these things were NOT that big of a deal, and that you love her very much, but that you were just SUPER hormonal, and things that in retrospect are NBD just got to you at the time. Maybe then you could ask her if she was very hormonal when she was PG with DH--maybe bonding over hormonal PGcy stories will clear the air a bit?

But, I agree, in the end you just have to move on, and if she doesn't, there's nothing you can really do about it.

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