Mommy talk?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2005
Mommy talk?
73
Wed, 02-17-2010 - 10:17am

Ladies, I've been wanting to start this thread for some time now.
I don't know if you feel the same, but sometimes I feel the need to talk with adults about general stuff... not only baby stuff!
We have the baby update thread to talk about our babies and their progress, here we can talk about everything else. Of course, since we are moms, there will be a lot about our kids, but they won't be the center of the thread.
Also, I suppose it will be a really slow thread, none of us has much time to post. But I hope it goes on even if slowly.

I'll start:

I think I've finally adjusted to having my baby at home after the NICU. We are back on a routine and I feel more like myself again.
What worries me right now is the relationship between DH and I. It's not like we are fighting or anything. It's just that it seems we are parents... and not lovers anymore. I mean, we don't spend time "just for the two of us". It's always about the baby, or work, or financial issues. And it sucks! I've tried to talk about it with him, but he doesn't seem to feel like there is anything wrong!! I suppose it has to do with the way our own parents were. My parents tried to find time for their relationship, going on dates and finding time during the day to talk. His parents live through their children and I've noticed that by now they are almost scared to go out alone as a couple. I suppose they can't find what to talk about...
Another thing is our sex life. Between the baby, his work and life in general we are really exhausted. And when we are in the mood, baby is asleep, we are not tired and the planets are aligned....... it hurts so much that it feels awful!!!! I got some advice in the sex thread I posted, but it sucks that the only think I can do is "give it time and patience"!!!!

On a brighter note, we are just about to buy our dream lot! Finally there is still some paperwork left to do, but I think it is a matter of days. I'll try to post pictures soon!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2008
In reply to: bailarina2005
Wed, 02-17-2010 - 10:39am

Great idea, Mari!


I know what you mean. All of a sudden it seems you're just defined by being someone's mum. For me, going back to work helped a lot - yes they do occasionally ask how Teddy's doing, but I'm very much being "my own person" at work, and it gives me a lot of satisfaction to do my job and be appreciated for what I do.


On the couples issue... I feel very similar. It is so hard to make space for "just us" time. We DTD very rarely these days, definitely a lot less than before baby. I also miss the long talks we used to have; it's so much easier to just slump on the sofa in the evenings and watch some telly and I think we both got a bit lazy and neglect our relationship. I'm actually giving DH a "night out" voucher for his birthday where I'll find someone to look after Teddy and we have a date night - normally when we go out without Teddy it's with other couples or friends so that doesn't really count!


I guess that's more or less my plan, organising little things so we can spend some time alone. As I know DH won't do it - he's not so bothered as he was never one to talk much anyways!


Sorry to hear about your sex issue. I guess that this is the one saving grace about cesareans, no tears or stretching or whatever, so for me it doesn't feel any different. I haven't read your other thread, but I guess that "time and patience" is probably the best advice - even though it's not what you want to hear...


Well, AFM - I'm really looking forward to spring and summer. Apart from the TTC (which I'm looking forward to for obvious reasons, but also because it will "force" us to DTD more often!) we are also going to buy a bigger house. Obviously there is also a great amount of worries and anxiety involved but I'm really looking forward to finding "the right house" for us, and having a bit of a new start, KWIM?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2007
In reply to: bailarina2005
Wed, 02-17-2010 - 11:43am

Hugs! Adjusting to parenthood is rough, and adjusting to fitting in parenting AND a romantic married life is even rougher!

All I can say (and I know wait and see isn't very helpful), is that if you keep making together time a priority, you'll find a new balance eventually. I know DH and I had the same problem when Ry was really young. With all of Ry's issues, we felt more like fellow soldiers in a war than parents let alone lovers! Things slowly started to turn around when Ry began sleeping in his own crib and waking only once a night, that was around 5 months. Then we at least had evenings together.

We didn't really strike a comfortable balance between parenting and romance until I stopped pumping when Ry was 10 months old. I just had such a hard time feeling romantic when I had a machine hooked up to my boobs every 2 hours all day. Now, though, we're not exactly back where we were before we had Ry, but things are so much better and our relationship has deepened and sweetened in a way I never would have imagined possible :).

I promise, if you keep making at least a few minutes of time for each other every day and be as considerate and kind as you can be (and keep trying to DTD gently and with LOTS of lube as often as you are able to), things will get back to normal eventually.

Hugs!
Megan

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2005
In reply to: bailarina2005
Mon, 02-22-2010 - 11:33am

Thanks for the advice!
I had a long talk with DH about needing more quality time as a couple, and I think he got the message. We still don't have the time for long talks and cuddling like we used to, but he has been giving me some much needed hugs and kisses here and there. And tomorrow we are dropping Fede at MIL's and will go to the movies.
We also gave sex another shot, and it was slightly better. So I guess that will go back to normal in time after all.

So Anna, tell us about the house hunting!! What is your idea of a dream house?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: bailarina2005
Mon, 02-22-2010 - 12:26pm

Good for you Mari, I'm glad you guys were able to have a talk. Enjoy the movie. What are you going to see?

We have a standing "date" every Thursday. I say date in quotes because we never actually go out. Ray goes to bed about 30 minutes early and we watch "Worlds Dumbest" on the Tru TV channel. We cuddle up on the couch (or in bed) and just relax, snack and chit chat together. Nothing else gets planned for Thursday nights. I love it!!!

And yes Anna... please tell us about house hunting.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2004
In reply to: bailarina2005
Mon, 02-22-2010 - 11:34pm

Mari, glad you and DH are going to get some QT time together. From listening to all of you it makes me a little nervous for DH and I to DTD again once I get to 6 weeks. Though we already have the lub. I put on the shopping list KY jelly to use when temping Simon... yeah he grabbed the wrong one. Oh well I'm sure we will need it anyway. :)


Anna, good luck with the house hunting. That is really exciting. DH and I look from time to time. We went out and looked at a couple of houses in our price range... yeah there is a reason they were in our range. Cost of living in this area is rediculous!


Kate, hey any time together without the DS around sounds like a good date to me! Glad you two can make that kind of time together.


AFM, I had my 6 week check up at

 Cassie 

     

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2008
In reply to: bailarina2005
Sat, 02-27-2010 - 5:21am

...bringing this thread back up to the top...!


First of all, I'd like to say what we probably all feel - I am so glad we are such a close-knit, supportive community here. I am still shocked and heartbroken for Carly, I cannot believe this has happened to her. But it makes me happy that so many of us came together and chipped in and we've already got her the car seat from her registry, and we'll probably get even more things and have some money left over to give to her. So at least we can help her in this respect!


I think our community is so special as we've known each other for years - unlike on the ECs, we've been through waiting, and trying, and pregnancy, and babyhood together! You really get to know each other here and I think that's a fantastic thing.


AFM -aaah, the house hunting! It will probably be a while yet. We can only afford to move as my mother has told me she wants to give us some money for the deposit. I was quite stunned by that and at first didn't believe it (we're not on the best terms) but now she told me last weekend that she's given notice for one of her savings accounts and the money will be free by the end of May. Yay!!


So with this money, we'll probably be able to afford something for around £200,000 (roughly $300, 000). Unfortunately, in the village where we live at the moment, that's not going to get us anything much, so we'll probably have to look further afield (although I'd like to avoid the towns that would obviously be cheaper).


What we're looking for: A three bedroom house (at least, but I doubt we'll get more than 3 with our budget), either detached or semi-detached or end of terrace; with good sized garden; off street parking/garage; decent size living room or even better seperate dining room, maybe even a study downstairs or seperate utility room. At least one bathroom and one cloakroom, but two bathrooms would be better!


Looking at my list, doubts start creeping up again that we'll ever find something like that within our price range :-( I don't know what the housing market situation is like in the US now - over here we're still at a standstill. Prices have come down, but not by much in our area. It is forecast that prices will stay at this level for this year, and start going up again next year, that's why we really want to buy this year!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
In reply to: bailarina2005
Sat, 02-27-2010 - 10:28pm

Marianna – What a great idea! Not that I have anything much non-baby related to talk about these days. Hee hee!


It is a big adjustment, becoming parents, & it takes time to rearrange your relationship with Dh to something similar to what it was before baby, but new.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
In reply to: bailarina2005
Sun, 02-28-2010 - 1:22am

Best of luck with the house hunting Anna! Here in Canada, or at least in Vancouver, house prices hit record highs back in the spring/summer of 2008. Not wanting to wait any longer since prices had been climbing astronomically every year since 2002, we bought an apartment that spring. There was no way we could afford a house (average house prices were $600,000 then), so we settled for a small 2-bedroom apartment. And then.... the economy fell in the toilet and housing prices dropped dramatically. If only we would have known... we still wouldn't have been able to afford a house, but we may have gotten a much nicer apartment. Sigh. Prices are slowly going back up but I don't know if they will ever reach the peak they did in 2008. If we ever buy a house, I can tell you it won't be in Vancouver, unless we win the lottery. :(


On the intimacy subject, DH and I desperately need some alone time together. We haven't gone out for dinner without the baby since October. October! The problem is we don't have any family here in town, and our friends are always so busy with their own lives that it is nearly impossible to arrange a night out. It doesn't help that DH always seems to be sick now - he had H1N1 back in September and it really seems to have messed with his immune system. He catches every little bug that is going around now.


I don't feel nearly as close to him as I used to. My life is 100% about Elena now and our relationship has taken a



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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2005
In reply to: bailarina2005
Fri, 03-05-2010 - 11:36am

Kate- We went to see Avatar... You kind of "date" sounds good, just the kind of thing DH and i would like to do. We are still in a stage were by the time Fede falls asleep we are exhausted too, so no cuddling for TV yet, but soon.. soon..
Cassie- How was the grandparents' party?
Anna- I second all the things you said about this group. I swear sometimes I feel that besides my mom and sisters, you are the women I can trust the most... pregnancy and motherhood has distanced me in a very odd way from my RL friends, and I feel like I can tell you guys everything!!!
About the house...I love the terraced houses and "semis" you have in the UK (we call those "duplex"). They seem so cozy! I really hope you can find something like you want that is in your budget... I think the key is to keep looking and not despair!!! We spent a year and a half looking for lots... and also patiently waiting for prices to drop at least a little (real estate market is also nuts around here). Well, we finally found it! My only concern is that it is way out of town for what I'm used to! I mean, we are in a totally rural area, 10 minutes to the nearest town and that is a small one, the big city is even farther (sp?)! but... such a peace and views!!!
Noel- Interesting what you say about separating sex from intimacy... I think inadvertently we are doing that. For example, DH wakes up very early, and I try to make the effort to wake up with him just to share breakfast without the baby around. It doesn't always work with our brains full of dream fog, but at least we can smile at each other over coffee mugs! :)
Kelly- I hope you can find a way to reconnect with your DH, Maybe you can "re-initiate" the passing hugs and kisses... Even if you don't feel particularly loving at the moment it could start a new dynamic, KWIM?

AFM- Not much to tell. I can officially start the hormonal birth control by now, it's the mini-pill, but I'm so scared that it could mess with my milk or my already injured sex-life that the package is still closed!! (we have been using condoms) I've been thinking of getting an appt. with the Dr. to talk about all of this and see if he has any suggestions.
I also applied for a teaching job, and ended second.. oh well, maybe it wasn't meant to be. It would still be extremely difficult for me to leave Fede, even if it was for a few hours. I would miss him so much!!!!
Oh, and guess what? I have hemorroids..... After the birth I kept feeling discomfort in that area, but the other day I was really constipated and when I finally made it to the bathroom... Well, things were not pretty, it involved a lot of pain and blood and huge embarrassment 'cause... I clogged to toilet!!!! My poor saintly DH had to unclogg it for me, because I was not doing it right.... I'm surprised he still can look at me!
Lets say that thanks to a cream, I'm doing better now, but man! I can't believe how messed up my "lower parts" are after the birth!!!!!!! I'm starting to think fondly about c-sections!!!!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2004
In reply to: bailarina2005
Fri, 03-05-2010 - 1:47pm

Mari, I'm so sorry about the lower GI issues! Congrats on the lot... that rual kinda area sounds just like what DH and I would love to have!


AFM, The party went well. Simon's great grandma carried him around and showed him to every person there. Simon traveled like a champ. The only issue we had was getting him to sleep the first night. Mostly due to all the added noise and no one seemed willing to tone it down. I even went into our room and it was still no loud. As soon as everyone went to bed it took us 10 minutes to get Simon to sleep.


I'm 6 week PP today... I know DH is looking forward to us attempting this weekend but listening to all of you makes me a touch nervous.


I'm jelouse of you who get to stay home. I'm still attempting to find child care I am comfortable with. That and I'm trying to figure out a back door so I can stay home. Though that really isn't realistic at this point.

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