Question for moms of 2+

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Question for moms of 2+
23
Thu, 11-10-2011 - 11:39am

OK So I know this might sound silly but do you have favorites?

Right now it is very hard to imagine liking another child as much as we like our first.

I also am wondering how you deal with feelings of fairness, (for example the second child doesn't receive half as much individual attention as the first, and the first also gets much less time with mom and dad as they did for the first few years of life)?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2007
Fri, 12-23-2011 - 3:51pm

Mari, I know what you are saying.

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Avatar for berry81
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2008
Fri, 12-23-2011 - 7:55am
Aw Anna that is such a sweet story about Bo and Teddy missing each other. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2008
Fri, 12-23-2011 - 6:46am
Chiming in again... I guess we were lucky as there was zero jealousy. Teddy did have an adjustment period, which lasted about 3 weeks. In which he started waking up at night again, and wanting more cuddles than before.
As to leaving them in a room together, I didn't to start with, but after a few weeks I did just because it was so impractical not to. We've had a few incidents - Teddy being a toddler and not knowing what can hurt a baby or upset it - but it was more stuff like he rolled him onto his tummy or patted his head too hard. Once I left them to go in the kitchen and heard this almighty scream. I ran back in and there was Teddy screaming, because Bo had grabbed a fistful of his hair and was pulling it ;)
They started playing with each other quite early on. Maybe because Teddy always had the desire to play with his brother and as soon as Bo was old enough to react, his patience was rewarded. Maybe it helps that they are both boys?
One more story. Last week, Bo was in hospital for bronchiolitis. It was a hard few days and Teddy was quite upset as obviously I stayed with Bo. When we got home, I expected Teddy would run straight to me to get a cuddle. As it happened, he ran towards me and gave Bo a hug! And then lots of kisses. Seriously they were just laughing and smiling at each other for a few minutes; and I hadn't even realised up to then how much they'd missed each other.
So even though I expect that "true" play and bonding will be a while yet, I'm amazed at how much they love each other already.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2005
Fri, 11-25-2011 - 1:20pm

Well, luck plays it's part, that's for sure! Some kids/people just have difficult personalities. And the type of personality plays a huge role with how "close" you are to a certain sibling.
But I've seen siblings who get along and others who don't... and something tells me that luck is not the most important factor in the good/bad relationships they have.
I agree with what Adrienne described... the joy and excitement of waiting for the arrival of a new baby. I don't know what my parents did well, but neither of us was "jealous" in the proper ugly meaning of the word. Of course we had our moments, but the jealousy always stayed "benign". I suppose it is like any relationship. When you have brothers and sisters there will be fighting and there will be periods of time when you just don't get along, but there are also lots of laughs and moments of what you can only describe as "friendship"...


What I was trying to say is that as parents your job is to prevent the truly negative feelings between siblings... those that come so close to "hate" (and believe me, they exist in some families). You must always help them see the good in the other and also how every one is important in their own way.
Many parents take sides in conflicts, punish only one side in a fight, make comparisons, and all the other things I've said... and if that behaviour from the parents is the norm, then the siblings grow up as rivals instead of comrades. KWIM?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Fri, 11-25-2011 - 6:12am
I would still call it jealousy though even if it only lasts for a few months. I mean they are jealous of the attention that someone else is receiving. Jealousy isn't necessarily an awful thing though, it is a very human emotion and one we all feel.It would be strange if they didn't feel jealous :)

However I think when it comes to siblings getting along after those first few years that a lot of it is just plain luck. I mean in many bigger families you see that some siblings tend to get along better or worse with certain other siblings and often they are all treated very similarly- but we can't help our personalities! LOL

I totally agree that siblings are a great thing. I just think sometimes we all (myself included) like to have this very rose-colored glasses view of how super awesome and amazing siblings are and how much fun they have, and how they always play together and have someone to confide in, and , and , and- when of course oftentimes that isn't the case even if they love each other very much!

I mean I am sure if we asked everyone on this board with siblings how they got along with their siblings in early childhood/puberty/teen/and adult years that we would get some pretty mixed answers ranging from awesome to terrible. :)
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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2005
Fri, 11-25-2011 - 5:15am
Exactly! I hink there is a big difference between proper "jealousy" and the adjustment a child has to go through when he first needs to share the spotlight.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2007
Thu, 11-24-2011 - 8:35pm

Ash, I know you are totally right.

It's more like I meant that there are certain moments in my day where I think:

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2005
Thu, 11-24-2011 - 7:26am

From what I've seen, when there are "big" issues on sibling jealousy, it's usually because of the child's personality or the parents are doing something wrong (possibly both). Sometimes they start making differences between the children and how they treat them, or start comparing them/their acomplishments, etc... I'm not saying they are bad parents, it's just something that can happen if you are not careful. Other times, a particular kid has a difficult personality that tends to jealousy and resentment, no matter what you do. And I suppose in that case, you can only do so much...
As an example...
My ILs are nice people, and they are loving parents, but there have always been differences between their kids...for instance.. . When they were little, they would go on short trips with the oldest and leave the youngest with the grandparents (and the girls are "irish twins", so really close in age and needs). I think that even if they are just toddlers, they can notice that the other sister is getting more attention.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Thu, 11-24-2011 - 3:28am
That is very true Adrienne- but I also know that it can also be SUPER hard especially in the beginning and I have quite a few friends that dealt with some pretty hard sibling jealousy issues in the first months. Of course it all ended up working out fine but I know for many of them it was very unexpected and quite hard to see one of their children having such a tough time with the adjustment to having a new sibling.

Plus it isn't like they can really play with each other until the new addition is closer to a year depending on how close they are in age. It is more like you absolutely can't leave them alone together in a room because the older child can hurt the younger one (on purpose or not).

But I think the first few years are in general just high maintenance years so the addition of 1 or 2 will add to that but not having 1 or 2 more won't mean that you don't have to deal with a toddler anymore LOL.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2007
Thu, 11-24-2011 - 12:07am

Jumping in late, but . . . It's funny, I have never had this worry (maybe once I'm pregnant it will be more acute).

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