Rant and Rave: DH and House (long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2008
Rant and Rave: DH and House (long)
17
Thu, 05-27-2010 - 7:28am

I think I just have to get this off my chest...
So, as it's almost June and my pill pack is coming to it's end, I decided to approach DH again about our TTC plans. And: we're OFF again. I can't say I'm surprised as I only ever half believed it when he last said that we should go ahead in June, but I'm still disappointed.
So DH basically said what he'd said before: He's worried about finances, yet admits that the financial impact wouldn't really be felt. I think what it boils down to is that he's not emotionally/mentally ready for another baby. We talked to and fro about our financial situation and finally he admitted that he's just not ready for a baby, and feels that he's not a good Dad as it is, and how could he cope with two? I'm half annoyed and half saddened by this. It's sad that he think's he isn't a good parent; but it also really bugs me because clearly he is. Teddy adores his Daddy and loves spending time with him. DH loves Teddy to bits and even though it took him a while to bond, now that Teddy's older he likes to play with him and take him places. It is true that he is rather impatient sometimes (DH must be the shortest-fused man on the planet, LOL) but he has improved so much.
Oh well, I guess there isn't anything I can do about this. It is so incredibly frustrating. We finished our talk by agreeing to "negotiate" again in a month's time. I guess that's the best I could get him to agree to.

Well, now for the rave part! We have been looking at a few houses so far, and nothing really suited us. Now a few weeks ago I noticed that one of the houses in our village stood empty. We made a few enquiries (I know lots of the old people in the village, who love to gossip and now everything about everybody!) and found out that ithad been let, but the people moved out a few months ago; and the owner had previously tried to sell the house. We found out the name and address of the owner and sent him a letter asking if he was interested in a private sale. So he rang us back and said he was! Last weekend, we met him and looked at the house.
Now, the house is in quite a state - actually, it looked like a tip! After the tenants had moved out (without giving notice so no one knew it was empty) a pipe had burst and flooded the house. So all the walls, ceilings and floors had been stripped bare. BUT - I loved the house. It was easy to look past the superficial state of it and to see what a great home it would make. I could see us living there. I could envisage our furniture there. Teddy's room is so big and beautiful it almost made me cry. And because of the damage, all the walls and ceilings will be freshly plastered and painted; and we could start "from scratch" with this house and really put our stamp on it and have everything the way we want it. Of course this means that a lot of work will have to be done but I don't mind that; it will give us something to do for the next 10 years, ha ha!
As for the house itself it's a three bed semi-detached on a corner plot, so it has got (for English standards) a very big garden. It has got an outbuilding attached to the side with a hallway and three further rooms (one is a WC). As it's in our village we wouldn't have to move far and would stay in the same school catchment area :-)
We are applying for mortgage approval at the moment, and then we will make our offer... so that's the catch: We will offer a lot less than the house is worth. But we had to take into consideration how much needs to be done, and what we can afford! I looked up how much it was on the market for when he tried to sell it - £240K, but then that was in 2007, at the height of prices (and it didn't sell!). We will offer £185K and just hope and pray that he'll accept it (or at least that we can get it for under £200K); so keep your fingers crossed for us!

The other good thing about the house business is that IF it goes ahead, I know that will put DH's mind to rest so much!! Which would then have a positive effect on our TTC plans... ;-)

If you made it here - thanks so much for reading. I just needed to get it all out!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2006
Thu, 05-27-2010 - 9:27am
I'm sorry that DH is off again for TTC, but at least you two were able to talk about what was really going on with his apprehensions about it.
YAY for finding a house. I hope everything works out. It is very exciting.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2010
Thu, 05-27-2010 - 10:21am

Anna--I'm sorry that DH is "off" again for TTC, but really, it's good that you were able to have an honest and open talk about it and really get to see the core things that DH is having a hard time with. Maybe over the next month or so you can "work on" those things--giving him lots of positive feedback about his parenting, etc.

And that is SO SO awesome about the house! I also agree that once the house is redone and you guys are moved in, I bet DH will be more ready for another baby. And considering how tired one is the first trimester, and a lot of repairs like painting are more complicated when you are PG, maybe it is for the best that you are waiting now so that you will be able to help with the house before getting PG. I know you wanted your kids close in age but really, Teddy is SO young still that you are still totally on track for that.

(((HUGS))) I'm so excited for you!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2008
Thu, 05-27-2010 - 11:06am

Anna, I'm so sorry DH is off again - how completely frustrating for you! :/ I would be just as upset as you are! But what fab news about the house, it sounds perfect in many ways, and you can make it even more perfect by putting your stamp on it. I love doing that, we did the same thing with our house and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't appreciate my kitchen that *I* created and helped make.

Good luck with the mortgage and negotiations, KUP!




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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2008
Thu, 05-27-2010 - 2:24pm

Sorry that DH is off on the TTC stuff...but I am super glad that you were able to talk it through it and at least you can talk again next month. And like you said maybe this house thing will help put his mind at ease.

I am so excited for you guys to have that house. Sounds like a lot of work, but sounds like it's something you guys really want. How exciting!! I remember when we first moved into our house, it was so much fun, especially making it your own! I will be sending you all the great vibes I can!









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Registered: 08-24-2005
Thu, 05-27-2010 - 2:25pm

Oh Anna, I'm so sorry!! I can imagine that having your hopes go up and down like that must be really exhausting emotionally.
There is something you said... "he's just not ready for a baby, and feels that he's not a good Dad as it is, and how could he cope with two?"
Maybe your DH needs some encouragement about his skills as a dad? I can talk from my personal experience. Before conceiving Fede, I was the one in the relationship who felt unsure about having a baby. I kew I wanted a baby in theory. But every time we talked about the real possibility of when to TTC, I felt soooo scared. i was so scared of the responsability and the changes a baby would bring, and of being a bad mom... DH (then DF) helped me a lot by talking about those things. In any case, what really helped was that Fede was kind of an accident, LOL! (funny story, but that's for another time) So when the shock of being pregnant eased, I kind of saw it as something that was meant to be, KWIM?
Maybe you can ease DH in to it. Instead of proposing a date to start actively TTC, you could negotiate a period were you would stop "preventing" pregnancy (or at least leave the BC in DH's hands), and leave it to nature and fate. Maybe that way your DH would feel less pressured and at the same time, you can have a real hope of getting pregnant, even if it isn't exactly controlled.

As for the house... YAY!!!! I so hope your offer is accepted! and super yay for the big garden!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2004
Thu, 05-27-2010 - 4:10pm

Boo on DH. I am glad that the two of you were willing to talk about it. I hope the TTC for #2 comes soon.


Good luck with the house! I'll keep my fingers crossed. Major jelouse here. ;)


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Registered: 04-07-2003
Thu, 05-27-2010 - 10:03pm

Oh Anna I'm so sorry DH is off again! How amazingly frustrating. I can't really say anything more than the other ladies have said, but I will give you a big (((hug)))!!!


Best of luck with the house though! Despite the state it is in now I can totally see what a wonderful house it will be for you guys! Offering you all the good luck vibes I can muster!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2008
Sat, 06-19-2010 - 3:51am

...so I dug this one up to whine some more... please forgive me!

Well, our offer has not been accepted. The current owner insisted on a much higher price (we're talking £60K more than we offered) and there's no way we can meet him in the middle; we just couldn't afford it, not with all that needs doing to the house.

So when I got his letter on Thursday evening, I was really bummed. I'd spent the past few weeks walking past the house and imagining what it would look like when we moved in, and what we'd do, and how we'd sit in the garden etc. Silly me! Now I think we can pretty much scrap the idea of staying in our village as it's just too expensive; and I can't see any bargains coming up.
And of course, what got to me even more is the fact that I can pretty much scrap "my" TTC plans too. DH had said, when we put in the offer, that if it gets accepted we'd start TTC. Of course now he wants to wait til whenever; which resulted in me sobbing hysterically and him rolling his eyes in annoyance; and we haven't properly spoken since.

So yeah, sorry for the rant, I just had to get it off my chest... I had so much hoped both for the house and for trying for another baby; but I'll have to wait some more.
Gosh, and now I feel really bad for whingeing so much here; other people on this board have real problems and I'm sorry that I bore you all with this old chestnut.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2006
Sat, 06-19-2010 - 9:31am

Aw...I'm so sorry Anna :( That really sucks that you didn't get the house, and now it seems like TTC is put on the back burner "until further notice". I can totally understand how you would be upset - I sure would be!

And you definitely don't need to apologize for venting. That's what we're here for!

I wish there was something I can do to speed either (or both) processes up. Waiting around is a really difficult thing to do.

(((hugs))) to you - hang in there.





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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Sat, 06-19-2010 - 11:03am

Oh Anna I really, really feel for you! I so hope that all this waiting and stress is leading up to a really lovely house in your future and that by fall of this year you are TTC. I really believe that everything will fall into place, it is so hard to deal with the wait and uncertainty until it does though!

Hugs:)

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