Rant and Rave: DH and House (long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2008
Rant and Rave: DH and House (long)
17
Thu, 05-27-2010 - 7:28am

I think I just have to get this off my chest...
So, as it's almost June and my pill pack is coming to it's end, I decided to approach DH again about our TTC plans. And: we're OFF again. I can't say I'm surprised as I only ever half believed it when he last said that we should go ahead in June, but I'm still disappointed.
So DH basically said what he'd said before: He's worried about finances, yet admits that the financial impact wouldn't really be felt. I think what it boils down to is that he's not emotionally/mentally ready for another baby. We talked to and fro about our financial situation and finally he admitted that he's just not ready for a baby, and feels that he's not a good Dad as it is, and how could he cope with two? I'm half annoyed and half saddened by this. It's sad that he think's he isn't a good parent; but it also really bugs me because clearly he is. Teddy adores his Daddy and loves spending time with him. DH loves Teddy to bits and even though it took him a while to bond, now that Teddy's older he likes to play with him and take him places. It is true that he is rather impatient sometimes (DH must be the shortest-fused man on the planet, LOL) but he has improved so much.
Oh well, I guess there isn't anything I can do about this. It is so incredibly frustrating. We finished our talk by agreeing to "negotiate" again in a month's time. I guess that's the best I could get him to agree to.

Well, now for the rave part! We have been looking at a few houses so far, and nothing really suited us. Now a few weeks ago I noticed that one of the houses in our village stood empty. We made a few enquiries (I know lots of the old people in the village, who love to gossip and now everything about everybody!) and found out that ithad been let, but the people moved out a few months ago; and the owner had previously tried to sell the house. We found out the name and address of the owner and sent him a letter asking if he was interested in a private sale. So he rang us back and said he was! Last weekend, we met him and looked at the house.
Now, the house is in quite a state - actually, it looked like a tip! After the tenants had moved out (without giving notice so no one knew it was empty) a pipe had burst and flooded the house. So all the walls, ceilings and floors had been stripped bare. BUT - I loved the house. It was easy to look past the superficial state of it and to see what a great home it would make. I could see us living there. I could envisage our furniture there. Teddy's room is so big and beautiful it almost made me cry. And because of the damage, all the walls and ceilings will be freshly plastered and painted; and we could start "from scratch" with this house and really put our stamp on it and have everything the way we want it. Of course this means that a lot of work will have to be done but I don't mind that; it will give us something to do for the next 10 years, ha ha!
As for the house itself it's a three bed semi-detached on a corner plot, so it has got (for English standards) a very big garden. It has got an outbuilding attached to the side with a hallway and three further rooms (one is a WC). As it's in our village we wouldn't have to move far and would stay in the same school catchment area :-)
We are applying for mortgage approval at the moment, and then we will make our offer... so that's the catch: We will offer a lot less than the house is worth. But we had to take into consideration how much needs to be done, and what we can afford! I looked up how much it was on the market for when he tried to sell it - £240K, but then that was in 2007, at the height of prices (and it didn't sell!). We will offer £185K and just hope and pray that he'll accept it (or at least that we can get it for under £200K); so keep your fingers crossed for us!

The other good thing about the house business is that IF it goes ahead, I know that will put DH's mind to rest so much!! Which would then have a positive effect on our TTC plans... ;-)

If you made it here - thanks so much for reading. I just needed to get it all out!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2010
Sun, 06-27-2010 - 9:53am
Anna, I'm sorry to hear about the house, but I'm glad that you and DH talked and things are looking up. You BETTER be getting ready to TTC right now!! I think that since DH keeps flip-flopping, he is really "ready" but just having normal fears.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 06-21-2010 - 8:44am
Fingers crossed for you Anna, and sending you tons and tons of baby dust... along with don't change your mind dust to DH.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2008
Mon, 06-21-2010 - 3:57am

Thank you all so much! It really helps me to know that you're here and you understand.


I've calmed down now a bit about the house. It did need a lot doing to it and maybe it's better this way and the perfect house for us will come along soon!


So, DH and I talked houses again last night, and what areas we want to concentrate on and where we don't want to live etc. Then we talked money and how it's looking better already - he's sold a maintenance contract to one of the companies he works for, which is a guaranteed income rather than the uncertainty he normally faces, being self-employed. He also now sold his flashy car and bought a second hand estate, which will save him loads of money.


So then he says we should start TTC now.


Needless to say I don't believe it yet. As it happens though yesterday was the last day of my current pack of pills, so unless DH changes his mind yet again in the next week I'm just gonna take him by his word and not start another pack! I wouldn't put it past him though to go off the idea again so at the moment I'm still very cautious and keep a firm lid on my hopes and feelings.


--Mari, thanks so much for sharing that. I never knew Mati was 5 years your junior! I am sort of religious - I was raised in a very strict catholic way which led to me revolting against it as a teenager. But now I'm slowly finding my way back to religion as I do think it is an important part of life, and I definitely want Teddy growing up believing in God.


--Christine, unfortunately I don't have any close friends with infants, but that's a good idea! Teddy's really into babies at the moment though.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Mon, 06-21-2010 - 12:31am

Oh Anna! You're not whining at all!! That's what we're here for, girlfriend!!


I'm so sorry things fell through with the house. When DH and I were house hunting 5 years ago, we put a bid on a house before the house we're in now and we lost it to a better bid. I didn't think I liked the house that badly but when our realtor told us we lost the bid, I actually cried! In hindsight, the house we have now is a better fit and my MIL ended up moving in right around the corner from the first house we bid on so I'm kind of glad we didn't get it because I wouldn't want to be THAT close to my in-laws. LOL


As for DH and your TTC timeline, I totally feel you there too. When my DH kept postponing our TTC date, I literally went into a depression and cried nearly every day because I wanted to be a mother so badly. All I can say is that I believe in the saying 'everything happens for a reason' so even though things might not make sense right now, it will all fall into place later.


To put the baby bug at bay, could you borrow a friend's infant for a few hours so you'll get a taste of what life would be like with a toddler and an infant? :-D


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Sun, 06-20-2010 - 4:23pm
Anna I am really sorry about the house. Hang in there, something will come along when it's right for you guys.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2008
Sun, 06-20-2010 - 3:56pm

Anna - I am so sorry to hear about the house and the TTC stuff! That sucks. I feel for you.. Vent away that's what we are here for. If you can't vent here, where can you vent.

hang in there, I am sure things will fall into place soon for you.









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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2005
Sat, 06-19-2010 - 11:43am
Oh Anna... I'm so sorry!! believe me, I understand what it is to picture yourself living somewhere and then have those dreams "snatched" away...
I don't know if you believe in prayer or not. In my case, something that has helped me a lot is to pray to God that the things I want with all my heart come "when the time is right". That way, you abandon yourself in his hands and although you can't stop wishing for them, you stop stressing about "when". KWIM?
I know this will sound corny, but years ago, when I wanted love and a family so bad, and was stumbling from one crappy relationship to another, I finally gave up and prayed for that. It took some time, but finally I met DH. He is my soulmate, but he is 5 years younger than me, so there was no way he would have been ready for a serious relationship sooner (we met when he was 21). So you see, there was a reason in all the waiting! :)
Oh, and stop apologizing. We are her efor you!! ((hugs))
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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Sat, 06-19-2010 - 11:03am

Oh Anna I really, really feel for you! I so hope that all this waiting and stress is leading up to a really lovely house in your future and that by fall of this year you are TTC. I really believe that everything will fall into place, it is so hard to deal with the wait and uncertainty until it does though!

Hugs:)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2006
Sat, 06-19-2010 - 9:31am

Aw...I'm so sorry Anna :( That really sucks that you didn't get the house, and now it seems like TTC is put on the back burner "until further notice". I can totally understand how you would be upset - I sure would be!

And you definitely don't need to apologize for venting. That's what we're here for!

I wish there was something I can do to speed either (or both) processes up. Waiting around is a really difficult thing to do.

(((hugs))) to you - hang in there.





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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2008
Sat, 06-19-2010 - 3:51am

...so I dug this one up to whine some more... please forgive me!

Well, our offer has not been accepted. The current owner insisted on a much higher price (we're talking £60K more than we offered) and there's no way we can meet him in the middle; we just couldn't afford it, not with all that needs doing to the house.

So when I got his letter on Thursday evening, I was really bummed. I'd spent the past few weeks walking past the house and imagining what it would look like when we moved in, and what we'd do, and how we'd sit in the garden etc. Silly me! Now I think we can pretty much scrap the idea of staying in our village as it's just too expensive; and I can't see any bargains coming up.
And of course, what got to me even more is the fact that I can pretty much scrap "my" TTC plans too. DH had said, when we put in the offer, that if it gets accepted we'd start TTC. Of course now he wants to wait til whenever; which resulted in me sobbing hysterically and him rolling his eyes in annoyance; and we haven't properly spoken since.

So yeah, sorry for the rant, I just had to get it off my chest... I had so much hoped both for the house and for trying for another baby; but I'll have to wait some more.
Gosh, and now I feel really bad for whingeing so much here; other people on this board have real problems and I'm sorry that I bore you all with this old chestnut.

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