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|Thu, 12-17-2009 - 12:25pm|
i hope so...otherwise, i am a horrible, awful, selfish person. i'm literally making MYSELF sick right now, thinking about it.
our friends (the ones who moved up north, we'll call them T and A...A is due with their first baby in early february) were supposed to come down this weekend for a family christmas party at A's aunt's house. they were going to come down tomorrow afternoon and spend the night at our place. the next morning she was going to use our kitchen to make a dish for her family christmas party that evening, and we were going to hang out while the boys went to the shop.
i got a call from DH this morning...T called to let him know that they weren't going to be coming down after all, because A had a seizure last night and is still in the hospital now. apparently her blood sugar was pretty much nonexistant, and they're not sure why...they're talking thyroid or brain tumors (GD has already been ruled out). my heart started pounding as soon as he told me, and then i had to hide in the ladies' room while i had a complete hormonal breakdown. at least i hope it was the hormones...
i'm certain my heart was pounding from genuine shock and worry for A and the baby. when he told me about it, it felt like the bottom of my stomach dropped out completely, and then my heart started pounding and i was completely speechless. but the breakdown and crying...i'm so ashamed to say that was 100% selfish. and i don't even really know WHY!!! i had to stop for a second and think about how i was feeling, why i was upset, and the best thing i can come up with is that i'm angry. angry? for what? that they're not coming down after all when i was really looking forward to it? ok, i haven't seen them since they moved away back in september, even though they've been in town four times since then, just never felt like staying an extra hour till i got out of work to grab dinner together. but it's not her fault she had a friggin seizure! it's not like she wanted this or planned it! i should be worried sick! (and i AM worried...she's had problems since about 14w with bleeding from TWO SCHs, and she was telling me earlier this week that she had blurry vision for a short while on sunday, which i'm reading can be a symptom of low blood sugar, so it's possible that this has been a problem for a while, which can be harmful to both her and the baby). so why the self-pity party? I'M not the one that had a seizure from low blood sugar, possibly from a condition that could be life-threatening to me or my unborn child.
oh i'm so angry with myself right now, and humiliated by this. i don't even want to tell DH about this, and i usually go to him first. what kind of a friend am i?
and then ever since the initial meltdown this morning, every last tiny little thing has set me off. i've been hiding in the bathroom probably 3 times so far this morning. typing this set me off again. i mean, it's been a rough week, but WTF??? i had to go have a cry over a group of coworkers going to lunch together, stopping to invite the girl next to me, but ignoring me. then i had to go have a cry when i was telling a coworker about A being in the hospital and wondering if we should go up to visit her this weekend if she's still in the hospital, or help out around the house if she's at home, and she said that her family will probably have that covered. (that was another selfish moment...it reminded me how far removed i am from literally everyone i know and love. but that was my choice, so i shouldn't be crying over it.)
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??? i hate this...that my first instinct is to be so self absorbed right now, when there are people i love that are really suffering. i feel so ugly.