Feeling a Little Better I Guess
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|Tue, 02-09-2010 - 12:57pm|
This is a copy of an Email I sent to my best friend who is in India right now. It's not the way I usually write on the boards but I couldn't do "two versions" of this right now:
I'm having another early miscarriage, it just started yesterday. This time was harder because I knew I was pregnant from like three days after we had sex--so, for the last 12 days. And I was having all these symptoms and stuff. You can get pretty attached to a little life in only 12 days.
I guess I learned more about how to proceed from here though--namely, I need to continue and be more strict with the gluten free diet, take more glumetza (metformin)--which the doctor had recommended for me, and use progesterone cream from the first time I think I am pregnant. The first two have gotten me pregnant the last two months, so we have found something that works, now we just need to keep it in there.
I feel like we are close with this baby but it's so hard. Then again, I am probably learning more about my body's health through the journey of trying to get pregnant than I could have in any other way--there is nothing else that would make me this motivated.
In one way I feel like I should be treating pregnancy like something additional in my life--and that is how it was the entire time I was working--that was my main focus and happiness, and this was something on the side.
But because it was on the side, I couldn't give it enough attention to really figure out what was going on--and the doctors here, they just don't know. I can't explain to them accurately all the things I feel and know, have learned and understand, about what my body is doing and why. And they have helped me but ultimately, I am in charge here and it is in my hands.
So now, without my job, I can make this my whole focus. And that is what it needs right now, and it is a process of healing. With each loss I understand more about how to be healthier and take better care of myself. And it feels like healing even while new scars are made.
Like before my period came last month, I sobbed during the closing of our Yan Xin Qigong meeting. I let myself cry over two years at this, the end of cycle 24, and then that night I sent an Email explaining to the whole chapter what has happened to me--what we are going through, with infertility. That was a step.
This cycle, I had a crazy reaction last night--my body filled with heat and I passed out--when I woke up I took off all my clothes except the bottom layer and I was so hot even though it is so cold. There were reasons for this happening when it did--I had started using progesterone cream, but also, I could feel this miscarriage--even though my period came at the normal time--it felt so different--more like a miscarriage than anything I have experienced so far. It felt like what labor should feel like--in this intensely energetic hot state with my uterus cramping and cramping--I felt like the baby struggled to live this time in a way that has not happened before--and the progesterone cream was helping it fight. And so I learned that I need to use that, too.
And so we are close and fighting for each other, and I know we will get there.
And like I said, on the one hand I feel like I'm "not supposed to" treat this like my whole focus right now--society wouldn't approve--what is my REAL life purpose?--but I need to. I want a baby and I need to pay full attention to make it happen. I know that deep down and so I don't feel like I should feel guilty for not looking for a job--I just need to pay attention to this right now. For James, too--he cried this time about it, too. It is hard for him--he wants it, too. He feels it, too.
And so I feel like our baby is behind a thin veil and he struggles to pass to us--these times are like hugging each other and he'll come back again and I will do all I can to keep him until we get it right.