I've got the fever ...
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|Fri, 04-09-2010 - 11:20am|
Ahhh .. oh no .. I got bit by the bug! :-/
Dh and I had originally DTT again for baby #3 around this time of a year .. we wanted a Spring baby this time around. :) Our TTC start day was suppose to be next month. I Haven't been back on BC since having my son in Oct 08. (after a failed attempt at the IUD in Dec 08 .. I only had it in 1 1/2 months!) So that wasn't really a concern.
As most of you know Dh and I have had a lot of issues lately and we aren't even really "together" right now ... yes we are still married & semi living together .. it's just complicated and I don't want to be pregnant in a complicated situation. But I REALLY want to be pregnant .. you kwim .. lol Ugh ... I am surprised at myself because even a month or so ago I didn't even think I wanted to have another baby, I felt fine with 2. Another reason why I know I should probably wait because I am going back and forth to two extremes!
So I started charting to torture myself I guess ... :-/
I've talked with Dh a little about TTC and he doesn't want anything to do with it! :(
But then again he doesn't do anything to prevent it and we talk about it ALL the time and I say how I want to get preggers ALL the time lately .. and he knows I would never be opposed to it and I ask him why he isn't more careful and he just shrugs it off.
It's really just not good timing for us to have another baby right now .. between the talk of divorce and separation and the fact that I am going back to school in the fall and I have a big vacation planed in 2011.
I have been trying to do whatever I can to keep my mind of being pregnant again but I just can't! :-/
It sucks. I know charting is not going to help me much .. I am just going to know when I am ovulating and I don't want Dh to think that I am trying to trick him into having a baby, because I would never do that. If it happens it happens but I don't want to go out of my way to make it happen right now ... but I know if I know my ovulation days .. I might want to ... Ugh ..
I haven't told Dh I am charting .. He gets really freaked out about baby talk .. always has .. he scares easy. And now I feel bad or like I am hiding something from him. Should I tell him?! I mean it's harmless if I chart right?!
I hate being so torn about things ... I mean I know TTC is out of the question right now ... but I don't have to feel bad about hoping it happens anyways right?! I don't know why I feel so crummy about the whole thing then?!
I guess I'm a little sad and jealous of all the BFPs lately between here and my personal circle of friends/family etc. I know I have a lot going on and a lot to look forward to but I can't help but think that a baby was suppose to be in my future in 2011, it's hard to erase that from my mind! :-/
Even with a lot of things being stacked against me and telling me it's not the right time ... I'm ready! :( And logically that just doesn't make sense, Ugh .. I'm so annoyed with myself right now. :-/
*big sigh* Thanks for listening .. I just had to vent that out someplace and I know you ladies will understand!!
And not think I have totally gone bonkers! ;)