checking in

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2005
checking in
26
Wed, 03-03-2010 - 6:59pm

i thought i'd post a brief update to let you all know that i haven't done anything stupid (i.e., i'm still alive).

i haven't really followed my previous thread, but i've seen how it's exploded and i want to thank everyone for the outpouring of support. this has definitely been a rough time, and i don't see it getting any better. my parents are taking me back to NJ for a couple of weeks. i don't want to go really, but i think they're worried for my safety, so i'm humoring them. i might pop in once in a while. i might not. i'll have to see how i feel.

honestly, this is going to sound terrible, because i wanted (and still do want) tadpole so badly, but now i'm feeling like having a baby on the way is a curse rather than a blessing. the thought of finishing this pregnancy alone, giving birth alone, raising this baby alone, it's ripping me apart. tonight was supposed to be installment one of three for our childbirth classes. i stare at the couple photos i have of DH holding our friends' baby a few weeks ago, and i hate the twisted world we live in and wonder why we wanted to subject a child to it in the first place. there was no reason for this. he should be here, and he isn't, and i want to know why, but there's no answer to that.

thankfully, almost all of the bureaucratic nonsense is done with. all that stuff that needs to be done right away, that i don't even want to think about...i just want to crawl in a hole and wait till it's my turn. the service for him was monday. i have his ashes, and the death certificates. and now i'm flailing in the dark, trying to figure out where i am, who i am, where i'm going, wondering what to do next...how, for the love of all that's holy, am i supposed to move on from this?

that was a rhetorical question. thanks again to everyone for your condolences and support.








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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2008
In reply to: delphinia07
Wed, 03-03-2010 - 7:06pm
Sweet Carly, I don't even know what to say. I can't stop thinking about you, Rob, and Tadpole. I'm glad your family has been there for support. Love you all...
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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2004
In reply to: delphinia07
Wed, 03-03-2010 - 7:20pm
Sending you lots of love and support!! I wish I could be there and give you a big hug. We all care for you very much and are here for you always! My prayers are with you and your family!


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Edited 3/3/2010 9:39 pm ET by jrosehistory

Kathleen is 2 years old

Happliy married to Geoff for the past five years

Expecting baby #2 in June 2013!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2009
In reply to: delphinia07
Wed, 03-03-2010 - 7:32pm

Carly, I can't begin to imagine how hard this is, but I think you should never feel like you are feeling "wrong" or have the "wrong" attitude.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2007
In reply to: delphinia07
Wed, 03-03-2010 - 7:40pm

Carly, thank you so much for checking in, we have all been missing and thinking of you so hard. I think absolutely anything you are thinking or feeling right now is normal. IMO, there are no expectations for how you should be handling this--other than by being alive.

We love you and are here for you if and when you are able to come back to us.

(((HUGE HUGE HUGS)))


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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2008
In reply to: delphinia07
Wed, 03-03-2010 - 8:48pm

Oh Carly, we have all been thinking of you and tadpole. Thank you for checking in, as hard as it is to go on with normal things right now... Your feelings are normal and not wrong in the LEAST. We all love you and want to do whatever we can to support you; I only wish we could make this all go away for you. Come back whenever you feel ready, we will be here to listen and do whatever we can.

-Ella

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2008
In reply to: delphinia07
Wed, 03-03-2010 - 8:51pm

Carly....My heart is breaking for you...I am thinking of you constantly and I can't say anything to make you feel better - although I wish I could and I just wish I could be there in person to hug you and tell you everything will be okay...I am thinking of you, Rob and Tadpole.

Just know that we are all here for you! Whenever you choose to come here, we will be here and if you don't, we will still be thinking of you....


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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2005
In reply to: delphinia07
Wed, 03-03-2010 - 9:00pm
Carly, It sounds like you are doing the only thing that is absolutely necessary right now, and that is surviving. There are no rules. While I am no expert, it sounds to me like you are going through all the right stages. I know that you are a strong woman. It is going to be hard for a long time, but someday, you will realize that the sun is shining, and that your beautiful baby is wearing your precious husbands smile. And it will be a new beginning. Not the one that you envisioned, but the one that exists. We all love you and are thinking of you.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2007
In reply to: delphinia07
Wed, 03-03-2010 - 9:25pm
Carly - There is nothing any of us can say, but just know that we all wish we could take some of the burden from your shoulders. While you may not feel whole for a long time, I pray that with time, tears and the support and love from your family and friends, the pieces will start to fall back into place.
~Erin
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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2009
In reply to: delphinia07
Wed, 03-03-2010 - 10:04pm
Aw Carly... we are all thinking of you so much right now. I know in my heart that one day, you will smile again... ((BIG HUG))

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2006
In reply to: delphinia07
Wed, 03-03-2010 - 10:14pm
It is good to hear from you, Carly. You are in my thoughts and in my heart each day. The experience you are having right now is the worst kind of injustice. And as someone else said, I think we all wish we could take just a little bit of your pain away. Please know that we care about you deeply. (((HUGS)))


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