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|Wed, 03-03-2010 - 6:59pm|
i thought i'd post a brief update to let you all know that i haven't done anything stupid (i.e., i'm still alive).
i haven't really followed my previous thread, but i've seen how it's exploded and i want to thank everyone for the outpouring of support. this has definitely been a rough time, and i don't see it getting any better. my parents are taking me back to NJ for a couple of weeks. i don't want to go really, but i think they're worried for my safety, so i'm humoring them. i might pop in once in a while. i might not. i'll have to see how i feel.
honestly, this is going to sound terrible, because i wanted (and still do want) tadpole so badly, but now i'm feeling like having a baby on the way is a curse rather than a blessing. the thought of finishing this pregnancy alone, giving birth alone, raising this baby alone, it's ripping me apart. tonight was supposed to be installment one of three for our childbirth classes. i stare at the couple photos i have of DH holding our friends' baby a few weeks ago, and i hate the twisted world we live in and wonder why we wanted to subject a child to it in the first place. there was no reason for this. he should be here, and he isn't, and i want to know why, but there's no answer to that.
thankfully, almost all of the bureaucratic nonsense is done with. all that stuff that needs to be done right away, that i don't even want to think about...i just want to crawl in a hole and wait till it's my turn. the service for him was monday. i have his ashes, and the death certificates. and now i'm flailing in the dark, trying to figure out where i am, who i am, where i'm going, wondering what to do next...how, for the love of all that's holy, am i supposed to move on from this?
that was a rhetorical question. thanks again to everyone for your condolences and support.