Discipline

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2005
Discipline
7
Tue, 02-15-2011 - 7:06am
Hey girls, the last thread about the woman disciplining her child got me thinking about raising kids and apropiate "punishments"... What are your thoughts about this "methods"? 1- (when having a wild tantrum) Spanking 2- (when having a wild tantrum) Ignoring him/her 2- Time outs 3- Taking away a favorite toy for a while 4- Not allowing to do a desired activity 5- others

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2007
Tue, 02-15-2011 - 8:28am
I actually think that the punishment itself is less important than setting clear rules and consequences and following through every SINGLE time when the child misbehaves.

Every Mom knows their own kid and what is important to them. When I used to work in the daycare, there were some kids who were really attached to certain toys, so a threat to take away the toy if X did/didn't happen usually gave a good result. For other kids, something like not going outside would be a good punishment. And a lot of the time it can be something almost silly like: "I'm not going to let you put your own shoes on if you don't X."

For rules like no hitting, no pushing, etc, it is definitely good to have a specific punishment set up ahead of time. Like maybe the kid knows that if he ever hits another child at the park/playground/playdate then you go home immediately, or have a time out.

The BIGGEST BIGGEST thing is that if you say no, NEVER (pretty much never) go back on it. If you say X will happen if you do Y, then make sure it happens every SINGLE time. I think the consistency is more important than what the specific punishment it.

And there are some kids who are very good at entertaining themselves and time out is not a punishment. There might be other kids who hate going outside, so taking that away is not a punishment, you know? So I think you have to know what is an enjoyed privilege for your specific child that will motivate good behavior.

In terms of what to do in a tantrum, I guess I usually go with the "ignore" route. If he was hurting other kids, himself, or breaking things, I would remove him from the situation first, though. I don't think spanking is a good response to a tantrum because the kid will learn to associate hitting with the feeling of losing control which is a bad combo in my mind.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2008
Tue, 02-15-2011 - 9:19am

I agree with what Adrienne said.






iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
Tue, 02-15-2011 - 9:53am

Different things work for different families.




Thank you for the sig Mary

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Tue, 02-15-2011 - 9:55am
All of the above when appropriate and it depends on the kid. The main thing is a clear and consistent consequence and sticking to it. I would reserve spanking for the most extreme situations (running into the street for example...that is life threatening) and try very hard not to use it. My favorite method is removal if out of control. Ignoring a tantrum doesnt always work, especially if out in public, because other people may be unintentionally giving attention to the tantrum even if I'm trying not to and quite frankly, I hate it when I see parents continue to walk and ignore their screaming kid at the mall...just take the kid out and leave so its more pleasant for all, including the child. Yeah it sucks if you dont get your shopping done but its worse to listen to a screaming, overstimulated kid.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2005
Tue, 02-15-2011 - 12:26pm
NIce thoughts ladies!! I agree with some of you that consistency is the key. I just fear that it must SO HARD to be consistent every time!!! But I suppose the effort pays in the end. Very interesting what some of you said about finding out the motive of the tantrum. It is true that it's not always for the same reasons, and you need to know those reasons in order to react correctly. Also interesting the thing about learning the child´s interests. Most parents I see tend to have a "bag of tricks" and apply them to all of their kids, regardless of personality, and probably that's why it's easier for them to deal with some of their kids and not the others. Personally I suppose I'll use all of the above and some more, but as for spanking, I agree with Ruby, and I'll leave that for extreme situations.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2008
Tue, 02-15-2011 - 6:23pm
I agree with PP but wanted to add that you should never underestimate the power of distraction. Many tantrums can be diffused by just offering something different. For example, when I'm in the supermarket and Evan wants something and starts to tantrum when I say no, I change the subject by asking him if he can find something that's blue, etc. If we're at home, I ask if he wants something else (one of his favorite toys, etc). It really works, especially while he was just starting to have tantrums and too young to really understand other consequences.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
Tue, 02-15-2011 - 6:59pm
Just a quick point the distraction works, but by the time they are 3 or so they are on to you. I'll try that with Desmond he'll point out whatever and then go back to his tantrum, at which point in time I just roll my eyes and leave him alone if we are home, or tell him to cut it out if we are at the store.

The positive point being when distraction starts to fail as a method, they do hit the point where they can be reasoned with most of the time, so it does even out.



Thank you for the sig Mary