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|Thu, 08-23-2012 - 5:00pm|
I thought about posting this to my blog, but it's just a little too raw, and emotional I guess, and I don't want to worry my family back home, so I'm dumping on you ladies instead.
Somehow, when we planned to uproot ourselves from everything we know and hold dear, and move to Germany, I saw only the positives. The adventure. The chance to travel. The opportunity to learn a new language. The new friends and relationships. The work opportunities for Dylan. I didn't see, or maybe just chose not to focus on the the negatives. The loneliness. The confusion. The "outsider" feeling that comes with being in a new culture. The homesickness. The day in and day out of raising two small boys so far away from our families and support system.
But let me tell you. It's hard. Really, really hard. It's not that all those good things don't exist, because they do. And they probably even outweigh the bad most of the time. But some of the time, like right now, they don't. And the hard parts of this whole experience can just almost crush you with their weight.
I feel like being a mom to such small kids is a lot of work, a lot of struggle all by itself. Then on top of it I have almost no friends, and feel so isolated. It's really hard to make friends with the Germans here. I can always feel this undercurrent of judgement towards me for not being up to snuff with my German. I'm really trying. But it's not exactly like I could have taken German every year in school and just chose not to out of laziness. The option/need never came up at all till we moved here 6 months ago. I feel like I've actually come quite far for 6 months, but when I get around judgy types, I get so nervous, I can't put a coherent sentence together to save my life. It's soo frustrating. I've always felt like part of my identity was being smart, or at least competent, and being here I feel like I've totally lost that. I'm now one of the dumbest people in every social gathering. It stings. It makes me want to go home.
Everyone and I mean EVERYONE assured me that the kids would be speaking German in no time at all if we moved here. I wasn't really counting on it. But honestly, I really wish people would stop saying that sort of thing. I know kids pick it up faster. But my kids still don't speak any German. And so I find myself looking at them differently. Like they're not really that smart because they've been in Germany 6 months and can only say a few words. Not that it matters how smart my kids are, and I know it's not a competition, it's just hard. James' grasp of English is remarkable for his age, but rather than be grateful for that, I'm constantly (inwardly) frustrated that he doesn't even try to understand/speak German.
Everything is so expensive here, and money is so tight, and hubby is so not concerned about it, and it makes me sick to my stomach. I mean everything is fine and I know it is, but, I don't even know how to describe it. I guess I just want it to be someone elses problem, but if I bring up words like budget etc., DH accuses me of calling him a bad provider. Sooo not the situation, it's just the pay here sucks, and that's how it is, and it's hard.
I was fine yesterday, and I'm sure I'll be fine tomorrow, but sometimes these feelings just crop up and it's so hard to get past. I've been away from the boards alot because I don't always want to be a debbie downer complaining about how hard my life is, when compared to some/most it's pretty cushy. But I could really use some support/encouragment if anyone has some to spare.