i can't afford to go to my sis's wedding

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2005
i can't afford to go to my sis's wedding
14
Mon, 02-15-2010 - 3:09pm

obviously, i'm going to go anyway. but this is going to be a huge hardship, logistically and financially.

her wedding date is june 13. i know nothing beyond that about the day, really, as far as what happens when and where. i'm supposed to be the MOH. i agreed to it back in november '08, when she was planning on getting married in september '09. they put the wedding off indefinitely because they couldn't afford it, so i assumed it would be a couple years before she revisited the issue. well, she had this epiphany a couple weeks ago that the big wedding she was planning is so not her style and they'll never be able to afford it, plus she wants to get married before they move to wherever he decides to go for grad school (could be MD, could be upstate NY, could be IL, could be IA...), which will be at the end of the summer. so she scaled it way back budget-wise. and oh, she doesn't want it to be too hot! got to do it early in the summer.

but she wants me to come, and with tadpole coming at the end of april (could very well be the beginning of may, depending on if i wind up going past my due date, and how long past my doctor will let me go), she wants to "make sure" i can make it. so she picked june 13. her first choice would have been may 23, but she thought that would be too soon. (she decided this stuff without me, i didn't ask her to pick one date over another.)

most of you know i'm laid off and DH is self-employed, so time is money for us. time he takes away from work is money out of our pockets, because the shop won't make any money if he closes it and his pay goes to someone else if he doesn't. driving is cheaper, but it means more time away from the shop, because it's a two day drive (especially if we're traveling with an infant), so it's money lost regardless. flying will allow us to leave friday during the day and return on monday (since it's a sunday wedding, which is another royal pain, but it's not my wedding). however, flying will cost us nearly $1K! plus where do we stay? with my parents? that would make the most sense, since they're closest to the wedding location, but they don't have a lot of space. it was cramped at thanksgiving with just the two of us, and we'll have a 6 week old baby with us this time. i suppose we could stay with DH's parents, but that would be a bit of a slap in the face for them. "hey, can we sleep at your house and borrow your car to spend the entirety of the rest of the weekend with my family?" we can't afford a hotel.

the other option is for me to fly out by myself and leave DH at home with the baby. that will only cost about $400. still a big chunk of change for us, but not as bad. but then i have to leave DH and the baby for a weekend, when i'm just barely recovered from the birth anyway. (i'm not one of those types that will never go anywhere unless i can go with my husband and child, but 6 weeks after i give birth...i'm not so sure about that.) plus my sister would be sorely disappointed if i came and didn't bring the baby, as would the rest of my family i'm sure.

i feel like i'm beating my head against a wall for this. i love my sister and want all of us to be there for her wedding, but this is just really frustrating. when she first told me about it, she said something about talking to my parents to help us with the cost of flying out, but she hasn't said a word to me about it since and i know that she hasn't said anything to my parents, so i don't want to bring it up. we'll probably just wind up taking the money out of our tax return, since we're getting the first-time homebuyer rebate. we were hoping to hold on to that money just in case, since i'm laid off, or possibly for a new roof after i find a new job though.

thanks for letting me vent.








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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Mon, 02-15-2010 - 3:57pm

Carly,


I'm so sorry you're having to anguish over this!


If my DH was the sole provider and self employed on top of it, I would fly to the wedding without him. The baby should be able to fly for free, or at least for the cost of taxes, right? Plus if you're going on your own, you'd have more flexibility with the dates you fly in/out, thus a cheaper ticket.


And since it would be one less person, you could stay with your parents, thereby saving you the cost of a hotel and still providing your family the opportunity to meet tadpole. Since you live so far from your family as it is, I

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2006
Mon, 02-15-2010 - 6:05pm

If you are planning on breastfeeding I would definatly take tadpole with you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2008
Mon, 02-15-2010 - 6:53pm

Carly,
First of all, take some time to breathe. You have a lot going on right now and it seems you are overwhelmed (for good reason).

I agree that if you decide you really can't afford for DH to come, the better solution would be to bring the baby. Otherwise he would have to spend time watching the baby rather than working, which was part of the reason you didn't think he could come. The baby will fly free.

As for where to stay, I don't know your relationship with your ILs, but I don't see how it could be too offensive to them to stay with them for your sister's wedding. This is not a normal visit where you are just crashing at their house but just prefer to spend all your time with your family. This is a wedding and so they should expect you to spend time on wedding-related activities.

Plus you will have their newborn grandbaby, so they may want to see you guys even if it is only at night.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2008
Mon, 02-15-2010 - 8:10pm

Carly {{{Hugs}}}

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Mon, 02-15-2010 - 8:24pm
I'm with everybody else. If it comes to affordability, go with Tadpole alone and stay with your in-laws. Like Missy said, its not a normal weekend and with the new baby, they may not even care and just be happy to see you. Lots of hugs, hope you get it all figured out.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2007
Mon, 02-15-2010 - 9:06pm
If you and your baby go without DH, you actually can usually get a gate pass for DH (and your mom or another family member on the return flight) so that they can accompany you to the gate and you only have the actual time on the plane by yourself. I was able to do this in NC and at O'Hare (Chicago) airports with Barrett when he was 3 months old. All we did was ask, and the airline agent was more than happy to give a gate pass to DH on the out flight and my mom for the return flight. The only catch is it is up to the airport on the day of your flight so you aren't guaranteed to have someone accompany you to the gate.
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Lilypie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2006
Tue, 02-16-2010 - 12:45pm

I'm sorry you've been put in this position, Carly:(.


To play devil's advocate, it does sound like your sister *tried* to take your needs into consideration, but I think it can be hard for some people who don't have children (or aren't pregnant) to really appreciate how difficult it is to think about travelling so soon after birth. It's just too bad she didn't think to consult with you, since she wants you to be a big part of her wedding day.


Anyways, as everyone else has said, it seems like a decent plan would be for you to go with tadpole, and DH to stay home to work. If you're breastfeeding, the baby will be on your boob much of the time, anyways! And since your schedule is more flexible, hopefully you will be able to get a deal on the flight. (Or would anyone in your family be able to give you their Air Miles?)


In any case, I'm sure your family will be grateful for the chance to meet the baby and it will be "their turn" to visit next:).


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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2005
Tue, 02-16-2010 - 1:07pm
I agree with the others. Go with tadpole, and think about staying with the ILs... they will be so happy to have their grandson that they won't mind where you spend most of the time.
I have just one extra piece of advice. Take some baby tylenol or other mild painkiller. Plane flights usually accentuate discomfort from even the mildest colds... and you don't want a baby screaming from ear ache... (And gas colics in babies comes out of the blue at any time)
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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2005
Tue, 02-16-2010 - 1:53pm

thanks for the input everyone...the only misgiving i have about going without DH but still taking the baby is finding someone to look after the baby while i'm off doing the MOH duties (apparently i'm expected to help set up/decorate, plus i have to stand in the ceremony, etc). i suppose if i have a wrap/sling i could just carry the baby that way. DH is uncomfortable with sending me with the baby by myself as well. this is something we'll have to figure out.

i guess it just boils down to there not being a good solution regardless of what we do. if DH stays home with the baby, he'd be putting me on a plane saturday night and i'd be back (with a red-eye sunday night) first thing monday morning, so he wouldn't miss work, but i'd be completely exhausted and so would he. plus then my sister would be POed that i couldn't help with the preparations and nobody gets to meet the baby.

and i don't think you girls understand what my MIL is like, lol. she definitely would NOT be happy to have me stay with the baby and go off to visit my own family every day, only seeing them late at night and first thing in the morning. unless i leave the baby with her all day, which i most certainly will not be doing. MIL is very passive aggressive, and can be quite mean and underhanded and POLITICAL with family issues like this. i would really rather not open up that can of worms. she already hints at us spending more time with my family than them with little snide comments here and there, which is of course a total load of crap.








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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2006
Tue, 02-16-2010 - 3:54pm

Carly - When it comes to things like decorating/set up, IMHO, that's where your sis is just going to have to understand that caring for a newborn is very demanding, so she should delegate those tasks

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