Me too! IL rant

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2006
Me too! IL rant
14
Sun, 07-18-2010 - 10:12pm

So, DH was talking to his parents tonight. First, they want to come visit us in October on their way back from a trip to Europe. We would normally be okay with this, but 1) it's only about a month before I'm due, and 2) they'd get here on a Monday, and only stay for a couple of days.

#1 bugs us because who knows how I'll be doing at that point, and we'd much rather have them come AFTER Evan arrives (you know...so they can meet their grandchild and all). #2 bugs us because we'd either have to take those days off work (which we don't want to do - especially Kyle because he'll want to use his vacation days for when Evan comes) OR we'll just see them in the evenings --- what's the point of visiting if it's only going to be practically fleeting?

So, DH tells them we'd much rather miss this visit and them come in January to meet Evan. Well --- they say that they are thinking they might not want to come in January anymore. That they don't like the idea of traveling here during winter (they have mild winters where they live compared to here).

I'm just so in awe --- that they're going to let a little bit of snow/cold weather stop them from seeing their first grandchild??? We're both really saddened and disappointed by this. I mean, it's not like I want them to come for a month, but for them not to come at all is really upsetting.

Gah - hopefully they'll change their mind once they realize they'll be missing out on something big (especially since my parents are coming to visit over Christmas). Sigh.





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Avatar for sandyc299
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2008
Fri, 07-23-2010 - 3:15pm

For me it's my family not my IL's. My IL's are great and I wish they were closer. My family bothers me. I didn't know if my family was going to come see my son after he was born. My mom doesn't drive long distances and my aunt and uncle were taking care of my grandmother. It ended up they brought my grandmother my mom stayed for 5 days and my brother and SIL took her home.

My IL's came from Florida to see him and I feel so bad they can't see him as they don't have the $ to come up here. My MIL is on disability and my FIL lost his job last year and he gets pension through I think this October and not sure what is after that. He's 59 and who is going to hire someone that close to retirement. So I feel bad for them. If we had the $ we'd buy them a house up here so they could be close to us and our son. Plus we'd have a babysitter that way.

We see my family maybe every couple of months sometimes more and they (I should say my aunt and uncle because those are the ones complaining not my mom or dad) complain we don't bring our son enough where as my IL's haven't seen him since he was 2 1/2 weeks old.

So I guess I should consider myself lucky that I have great IL's.

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Expecting a GIRL 3/23/13

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Registered: 08-24-2005
Wed, 07-21-2010 - 7:52pm
Oh Alyssa, I'm sorry you are feeling this!!
I think Jessica has a point... maybe seeing you and the belly "live" on skype will really get the message to them that an actual baby is on the way. For most people, knowing that someone is PG isn't the same as "really knowing", KWIM? Specially if you are far away.
I hope things improve!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2006
Tue, 07-20-2010 - 12:38pm
Jess - yes, I think we'll have to start doing the Skype thing soon. I know the IL's use it with some other family members, so we can give it a try soon. That might help them get more excited too. Thanks for the suggestion!




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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2008
Tue, 07-20-2010 - 11:30am

Cassie - I cant believe that. I know my IL's when my niece was born barely saw her when she was really little, and then at 6 months or so when she started sitting up and moving around they can't see her enough. It's like they didn't know what to do with the little one, so maybe that's it, but still it seems strange.

Alyssa - what you were talking about with your SIL having a baby so close to you and them maybe thinking that will be their grandchild fix is a fear of mine as well. Granted we aren't that far away, only 30 miles but the BIL and SIL are only 10 miles away and since my niece is the first born grandchild I always wonder how my LO will be received from the IL's. I hope that in your case and mine that doesn't happen and that they can be apart of Evan's life.
I have been hearing so many wonderful things about Skype, so maybe you can do that with them until they can come and visit and maybe that will want them to come visit sooner :)









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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2006
Mon, 07-19-2010 - 10:05pm

Ugh Cassie - that's awful and frustrating! I'm sorry that they seem so uninterested, especially when they live relatively close. That's another thing I don't get with the IL's - we usually only see them once a year (at Christmas), so I would have thought they would have LOVED to come out here for a visit (especially since we won't see them at Christmas).

Another thing is that SIL (DH's sister) is PG and is due only two weeks after me. She lives in the same city as MIL/FIL, so I'm wondering if they'll get their grandchild fix there and that's maybe why they don't care about coming here? That would break my heart I think - knowing that their other grandchild means more to them than Evan :S :S





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Registered: 07-15-2004
Mon, 07-19-2010 - 9:08pm

Alyssa, I know this feeling all to well. The weekend Simon was born we had a pretty big snow storm across the state. Most of the mountain passes were closed. So my inlaws chose to wait until the next weekend to come see Simon. They got here Saturday evening and left Sunday morning. They maybe spent all of 4 hours with us and with Simon. My mom was there two weeks before he was born and two weeks after.


Since then they made us come to them at 5 weeks for a big family get together. Then we stopped at their place when he was between 9-10 weeks on our way back from my parents place and didn't even spend an hour with him! They have not seen him since! We called about coming up for a long weekend on my next long weekend at work (actually we offered two different dates) and got told they were to busy and had plans. Yet they have not made any effort to come out this way and see him.


My parents are 1200 miles from here and they have seen Simon more since he was born then my inlaws who live 350. It just infurates me to no end that apparentally their oldest son and first and currently only grandchild are not worth seeing. They were like this before Simon and

 Cassie 

     

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2006
Mon, 07-19-2010 - 5:13pm

Sara - they said if they come to visit, they'll stay in a hotel (fine by us!). They're not really the type to cook dinner, look after the house, etc. when visiting. They've told DH on a number of occasions that they won't feed or change the baby - they've already been through all that, so they do need to deal with it again (nice, right?).

We definitely don't want them to come any sooner than January. My mom will be coming out shortly after the birth, and then both my mom and dad will be here for Christmas (they'll be staying in the house and...gasp...helping out!). So, we would like a break between when they leave (Jan. 1st) and when DH's parents come --- we just didn't think it would be a 6 month break!





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Registered: 04-29-2008
Mon, 07-19-2010 - 3:57pm

I think that if they do end up coming in October, seeing you a month away from giving birth, feeling Evan kick, etc will make them fall in love really quickly and want to definitely come back in January if not sooner! Are they the type to help out around the house while they are visiting? It might be a nice break to come home to dinner waiting for you, etc.

My ILs drive me crazy too with stuff like this, although I had the misfortune of them showing up too soon after I gave birth-between them wanting to be entertained and the stress and hormones I had going on, they had me counting down the days until they left!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2006
Mon, 07-19-2010 - 12:26pm

Thanks Adrienne! It just seems so weird because both our parents were SUPER excited about the baby in the beginning, and now it seems like their interest is waning. It might be because it probably seems like so far off in the future to them, so they really won't start thinking about visits, gifts, and stuff until closer to the due date (they were both like this with our wedding too).

I know we just have to be open with our parents about all of this. I had a nice talk with my mom about that whole situation, and I think DH needs to do the same.

As for the October thing - I'd be okay with them coming then as long as they also come after Evan arrives. I'd be pissed though, if they think that this visit gets them out of coming later on. I don't know - DH really needs to talk to them.





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Registered: 05-11-2010
Mon, 07-19-2010 - 11:11am

You know, I think a lot of new grandparents just don't realize how in love they will be with the baby. They have somehow forgotten that baby love and don't realize that they will be the baby's slave when it gets here.

I would let your DH deal with them and just be honest with them, and say something like:

"Given how far away from us all the baby's grandparents are, these visits mean a LOT to us because this is the baby's chance to get to know his grandparents. We don't want him to grow up barely knowing you guys, so every visit REALLY means a lot to us. Plus, I think after he gets here you will really want to see him--don't you remember how irresistible I was when I was a baby? This baby will be just as adorable and wonderful and I know you will treasure every second with him. So it really means a lot to us that you come visit after he is born. If you are worried about driving in the snow, don't worry, we will drive you around, and we will keep the house nice and warm since we'll have a new baby. We just want you to be here so our son can get to know his grandparents."

I think the baby is such a concept for some of the grandparents-to-be right now. My Mom is FINALLY getting excited but I talk to her almost every day about how he is kicking--she sees belly pics and videos and everything, and it still took her more than half of the pregnancy to realize that there will be a BABY HERE in a few months. So it doesn't surprise me that your in-laws aren't quite realizing that they will WANT to be there to meet the baby. But I think when it comes down to it, they will want to be there.

In terms of the visit in October--well if they want to do both, whatever but I would stress to them how much it means to you that they come AFTER the birth (Jan or whenever), and then if they ALSO want to come in October, just deal with it. Maybe that visit (before the birth) will help them connect with Evan before he is born and "fall in love", so maybe it's worth it after all.

(((HUGS))) Keep your head up.

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