Need Advice about a Friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2008
Need Advice about a Friend
7
Sun, 08-01-2010 - 10:50pm

This might be long, so if you don't get all the way through it I understand....

I think I have talked about this friend before. She and I have known each other since we were 12 years old, so a LONG time. In high school we were best friends, until she started talking to guys on the internet. She drifted away from me for these guys, ran away and I was always there for her when the guys dropped her, or she came back.

She has always had back problems, scoliosis and a ton of surgeries, it's gotten worse over the past 10 years since High School. When I went to college we drifted away a bit, but were always there for each other. She got pregnant right out of high school and got married about 6 months after her daughter was born.

Over the past two or so years we have sort of drifted apart. She feels we drifted apart because of her medical problems. She has told me this past week that people don't understand (Which I don't), she has at least one surgery a year either on her Back or her endometrosis that she has. she is in chronic pain (from what she tells me). She lives at least 1 hour away from me and in the opposite direction of anything that we go to.Because she can't drive the only time I would see her is if I went up there.

Back last August, her and another friend and I had a sleep over. We were at our friends apartment. She was supposed to bring her wheel chair so that we could go shopping, but she didn't. We spent the entire weekend (a gorgeous weekend) in my friends apartment. She complained the entire time that she didn't have enough money, and she has spent too much when we were at dinner the night before. We made it out of the apartment to go to Cold Stone and wanted to eat there, but she wanted to go back to the apartment, so we did. I offered to pay for her treat, but she said no she wanted to get a pint of ice cream instead. Then her and her husband got in a fight over the phone about all the $$ she had spent. Her parents drove up 45 minutes to give her 80.00. Which she apparently then spent some of it on some water bottles for her kids that they didn't need.

She was walking around with her crutches all weekend, until Sunday morning when my other friend saw her walking with out them. Once she came out of the bedroom my friend with the crutches grabbed them and used them the rest of the day. We pretty much think she was faking the amount of pain she was in....but can't prove it and I don't care.

Thus we get to this week. She emailed us and apologized for not being around etc etc....and to me it's just another time when she now wants us in her life because it's convenient for her. She isn't there when you really need her, and she says it's because of her medical problems and maybe she is right maybe I don't understand. But I am at a point in my life, where I am getting sick of being there for her only when she needs me and not getting anything in return. She never initiates contact, it's always me emailing/calling her.

She thought she had cancer back in February and while the tests took 2 months to get back, we would email her and she wouldn't email us back. Then I emailed her about taking pictures for my pregnancy and she get's back to me in a day...it doesn't make sense.

Well we got in this huge fight, my other 3 friends have pretty much dropped her, and she emailed me and said I can't let our friendship go. My problem is, is this her victim self just trying to get back into my life, or does she really mean it this time...I just don't know what to do....GRRR why does this have to be so difficult.

if you made it this far, I applaud you and thank you...I know it's long.

TIA for any advice.









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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2008
Mon, 08-02-2010 - 3:48am

I had a thought while I was reading this.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2006
Mon, 08-02-2010 - 8:31am

It sounds like this is just the way this girl is. So, you just need to decide if you want to be friends with her "as is" - because she's not going to change. If you stay friends with her, she will be the type of friend who will drift in and out of your life, and you'll have to initiate things with her. If you don't want to deal with that, then just let the friendship drift apart (for good).





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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2008
Mon, 08-02-2010 - 9:40am

Thanks Ladies...All good advice and questions to ask myself. After I wrote this out, I went back on FB and was looking at it and got an email from her husband...Not only did I get one, but all the other ladies did and we ended up getting 3 calling us all sorts of names, and how shameful we should be. Not something I want to be around my child.

With DH's advice I wrote out what I wanted to say her to in an email, I didn't send it, I still haven't sent it. I am going to lay out the boundaries today.

That I am not going to take the abuse I have been getting from her husband, I refuse to be in that situation, I refuse to be around that kind of person (whether he is sticking up for his wife or not, the way he went about it was way too harsh). That I have only the past to go on through our entire 18 year relationship and that if she wants to be friends with me that she is going to have to show it and we can just see how things go.

and I am going to leave it at that. I figure I won't get emails from her, I figure she will do what she always does and we will drift apart and it will be the way it's meant to be....

Thanks again!









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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2007
Mon, 08-02-2010 - 11:38am

Jess, this is a tough call.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2005
Mon, 08-02-2010 - 2:05pm
I agree with the PP... She really sounds toxic, and she's not going to change....
Try with the e-mail, and then let her do the next move. If you two drift apart again, I don't think you'll miss much. But whatever you do, try to remain in polite terms with her.
I also had an on/off friendship with a girl since we were 10. And it's ended pretty badly. She was nowhere near as needy and troubled as your friend, but she became increasingly irritating as we grew older. After 1 year of not knowing about her, I didn't invite her to my wedding, and recieved a horrible hate text on my wedding night. Sometimes I still remember the good times and hope we could have "drifted apart" instead of hurting each other so much.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2008
Mon, 08-02-2010 - 4:07pm

Leona - Thanks for your take on things. I can't imagine how hard it is for her to try to reach out and want to be normal, and I always tried to make her feel that....at least more than my other friends. I was the only one out of all my friends that went and visited her in the hospital, called her if I couldn't go etc....

Mari - Thanks for the advice too.

Where it stands right now, is that I emailed her what I wanted. It was actually a really peaceful email. I told her about the emails from her husband, I didn't include his emails, just told her that I was felt very disrespected by them and would never be in the same room with him again. which I know will be difficult for her to deal with, but not my problem.

I then told her that "When you don't communicate with me, I feel as though you don't want to be friends with me and I hear in my mind that I am not important enough. What I need from you is to be able to reach out to me, even if it's just a text message that says "hey" or an email that says "how are you doing"."

and she seemed to understand, she apologized for what her husband did and read what he wrote on his FB account and was embarrassed. So we will see what happens.









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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2007
Mon, 08-02-2010 - 4:30pm

I'm glad you were able to write an email that helped her understand.