the new virginity

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2005
the new virginity
7
Sun, 04-18-2010 - 10:01am
So yesterday I catched a tv documentary on VH1 about the sexual revolution, followed by another one about how there is this new "trend" on abstinence and virginity...
Both extremes shocked me. From a bunch of naked hippies involved in free love to something called "purity ball" where young girls vowed chastity to their fathers....
It left me wondering about the future of my children, about how I am going to educate them on this subject.What do you think is a healthy balance about this?
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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2005
Thu, 04-29-2010 - 11:04am
Hey Noel, there you are!!! Thanks for the book info!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Wed, 04-28-2010 - 6:57pm

Kids will decide for themselves what feels right when they get there. I think it's really important to teach them everything we can so that they have the tools to make good choices. From 4 years old up there is a series of great books. Here they are on Amazon; (the first 3 - Its Not the Stork, It's so Amazing & Its Perfectly Normal)


http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=its+not+the+stork


They're age appropriate & really fantastic!


If you have a Unitarian Universalist Church near you they offer a class (at K/1rst grade, 5th/6th grade & 8th Grae levels) called OWL (Our Whole Lives). It educates kids about sexuality & relationships. It completely demistfies it all by talking about it in a safe, non-judgemental, co-ed setting. No need to attend the church to participate. They also give a parent orientation before the classes begin so that you know what your kids will be exposed to.


As far as I'm concerned, my kids can make their own choices, so long as they know what they're getting into.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2005
Wed, 04-21-2010 - 12:44pm

Wow, I'm so happy that I'm not alone on this!
My experience is kind of weird. My parents were always very open about sex (the anatomical and mechanical parts of it), but also stressed incredibly hard that it was something special to share with the one you loved. They expected us to wait for marriage (as they did) or at least until we had a committed relationship.
It actually worked! As a teen I knew more than the average girl about contraceptives and sex techniques, but didn't "practice" it. Actually I was the one giving advice to my friends! LOL!
But as years went by, and my soul mate refused to appear, I became more and more ashamed of being a virgin. I mean, I truly wanted to wait for someone special, but at the same time felt like a total freak (some people even told me so with "kinder" words). So after a while, I started lying to people about it. Also, when dating, I sent a very contradictive message. On one hand I was an adult, felt sexy and was physically affectionate, but didn't want to have sex (oral, anal or vaginal). So, yeah, I suppose I was a frustrating date for the average guy... and of course got dumped a lot.
In the end I lost my virginity at the very late age of 27,to the man who is now my husband, not married, but engaged. I'm soooo happy that I waited for him, but I wish I could go back in time and tell the 24yo Mari, that the wait was worth it and that I should be proud and not ashamed.

Those of you who actually became active as teens... What was your experience? I'm being realistic here, and I suppose my own kids won't wait as long as I did. But I want to be supportive to them, without being permissive, KWIM?

(and yeah, I realize it's ages before this happens, but still)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2006
Mon, 04-19-2010 - 3:27pm
My poor boys are going to hate me as teenagers.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2007
Mon, 04-19-2010 - 2:28pm

We've discussed this a little since DH has several teenage neices and nephews.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2004
Sun, 04-18-2010 - 2:57pm

Between DH and I we have both extreams. I became sexually active as a teenager to where I was DH's first once we got married.


Looking back now, having sex created alot of issues that I was not ready for. While I think it made me look at things differently as I got older it also caused alot of heartbreak and other issues.


My plan for our children is to tell them to wait until they are atleast engaged if not married. however, I will provide them with the knowledge of other options if they choose to engage earlier. You can't keep kids from having sex so I don't honestly think that abstenance only education is a good idea. I feel you need to lay out all the info so they have the

 Cassie 

     

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2007
Sun, 04-18-2010 - 12:00pm

We are going to be very upfront with our kids that we think sex is a HUGE emotional and psychological deal, and that it changes you (and the relationship) forever. With that being said, I have no problem with our kids having sex before they are married, but I would like if they waited until they were out of high school, and saved it for someone that they really loved, and had been in a relationship with for some time.

But I also feel like you have to walk a fine line--if we stress this so hard to our kids, we also have to stress that if they are going to make a different decision, and decide to have sex when they are 16 or before, that they feel comfortable coming to us and asking, for instance, to get on the pill and to see the Gynecologist, etc.

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