QOTW: How to with Adoptive Moms

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2007
QOTW: How to with Adoptive Moms
6
Tue, 06-28-2011 - 5:13pm

Is anyone familier with common customs or have any good ideas in terms of how to celebrate:

- A baby shower for an adoptive Mom/family? When do you do it, fun ideas to do with it, etc?

- Visiting the ?hospital? home? after the arrival of the new baby?

- What is the best kind of support for a new Mom/Family before and after bringing home their LO?

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2008
Tue, 06-28-2011 - 10:43pm

There is of course no "answer" and things vary by the couple, but here are my thoughts. In terms of a baby shower, I don't want one until we have a match. Adoption can be an emotional roller coaster and the last thing you want is to have a room ful of baby gear with no baby in sight. So I would not plan a baby shower until they are reasonably certain that they will be bringing a baby home by X date. Since you said referral rather than match, I am assuming this is international adoption, and my understanding is that some countries give you a firm date to make travel arrangements. So it may be appropriate to throw a shower after getting the referral but before traveling to the country. But I am expecting not to have a shower until after a baby is in our home. My coworkers mentioned before our homestudy was done that they want to give me a baby shower, and I was like, oh I am not in that place at all right now. Of course if someone I knew had special talents like quilting or whatever I would appreciate them making something and giving it to us beforehand with an explanation that they would want to give it to us at a shower. We are starting to look into baby stuff and once we make decisions on the types of major purchases we want, we will set up a registry and some close members of our family have said they want to buy us stuff. However you also want to know details on what they are open to in regards to adoption b/c if it is possible they will get an older child, you don't want to buy a lot of newborn things. I would really appreciate it if I had friends with young kids who would offer to give me hand me downs or, say, ask if I would want them to put X thing aside for me b/c their child is just about to outgrow it.

I don't want anyone visiting in the hospital. That includes our parents. The big assumption there is that we would be welcome in the hospital and that is not always the case. Even when the birthmother is open to us being there, I have heard that some hospital staff don't like it and can be rude to adoptive parents (not all, some can be great to adoptive parents). The hospital time is going to be a very stressful time for everyone (birthparents who are likely grieving, adoptive parents who are stressing that the birthparents will change their minds, everyone tiptoeing around each other).

I would welcome anyone who wants to come visit our home when the LO is there. I would expect that time would be quite similar to biological parents. Depending on the state, it can still be a stressful time in terms of the adoption (of course the first few weeks after birth are always stressful for new parents) b/c there may still be some legal risk, so I wouldn't ask any questions about the adoption itself, but focus on how cute the baby is and the happiness that is there, etc. Keep it positive and not try to get the dirt on the birthparents, if you know what I mean.

One way that a visit to the home after birth may be different is that some advice given to adoptive parents is to not let other people feed or hold the baby. This is to ensure a strong attachment to the parents.



Meez 3D avatar avatars games




iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2008
Wed, 06-29-2011 - 1:10am

- A baby shower for an adoptive Mom/family? When do you do it, fun ideas to do with it, etc?

I think it really depends on the family, but often best to do after they have the baby and the paperwork is finalized.


Powered by CGISpy.com
Thank you Dedi and Kelly for my
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2008
Wed, 06-29-2011 - 12:48pm

My mother in law has already asked me this question, so I will tell you what I told her:

I don't want any showers until I am in the hardest portion of the wait, which is after the first visit to see him or her in Ghana but before they are at home. My reasoning for this is partially logical- if we wait until after we have already seen and met the child we can be sure on sizes, preferences of the child etc

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2007
Wed, 06-29-2011 - 2:46pm
Actually they are doing private domestic, and waiting for the match--I used the word referral without knowing it was specific to international . . . (so much to learn, haha)

Thanks for all the thoughts, though, this is great!
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2008
Wed, 06-29-2011 - 8:23pm

I don't think there are any "official" terms, but when I hear people talk about waiting domestically, they use the term match or placement. Referral is used more for international. I'm not sure why. My hypothesis is that with domestic adoptions mostly being open adoptions, you need to make sure it is a good match from all perspectives. But international adoptions are mostly closed and there is not really the possibilty of ongoing contact with the birthparents.



Meez 3D avatar avatars games




iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Fri, 07-01-2011 - 8:14am
I don't have any input, but just wanted to thank Adrienne for starting this and the other adoption thread. I'm learning so much about the process and it's so great to hear updates from Lisa and Missy. :-)

I would be open to adoption one day but don't think my husband would as it is not common in his religion/culture and based on the conversations I have had with his family about adoption. Both of my step-brothers are adopted. :-)